Red Carpet Hell

I started out watching last night's SAG award red carpet on mute, while sitting under the hair dryer. I can highly recommend this method. You give up the ability to learn who people are wearing, but the trade-off is that you don't have to listen to the obnoxiously inappropriate questions from the E! red carpet correspondents.

The celebrities have gotten to where they barely hide their disdain for Ryan Seacrest and his awkward interviews. Ryan was MIA from the SAG awards red carpet, so Guiliana Rancic stepped up to the plate with massively unsuitable questions of her own. By now, only those actors who are on a full-blown Oscar campaign bother talking to her.

1. What is your favorite/least favorite body part? (Everyone)
No one is going to answer this honestly, so what's the point? At the Globes, Heidi Klum said it was her HEART. Because yes, we all know, Heidi's internal organs are what's most attractive about her. Sofia Vergara chattered on so much with her response last night that eventually we were all saying, "I have no idea what she's talking about." Which was probably her strategy.

2. What were you doing when you got engaged? (30 Rock's Katrina Bowden)
Not only was this an inappropriate question, but it stands a very good chance of producing a highly inappropriate answer.

3. Do you want to have more children? (Viola Davis)
This an inappropriate question to ask anyone, anywhere, but absolutely NO ONE wants to answer this question on live television. Viola Davis is 46 years old for heaven's sake. Tacky. So, so tacky, Guiliana.

4. Where is your daughter when you come to these events? (Michelle Williams)
This comes across rather prejudiced against single moms in general, but given Michelle William's familial circumstances, she might as well have said, "Since her dad is DEAD..." Do you have NO social skills at all, Guiliana??

5. Did you borrow that dress, or did your husband buy it for you? (Nancy Walls, wife of Steve Carrell)
Umm, first of all, I'm pretty sure she can buy herself a nice dress if she wants to, Guiliana. Secondly, it's okay to talk about borrowing million-dollar jewelry; it's a little less seemly to ask if she paid for her DRESS.

*****
Here's the part that has me so perplexed by the utter lack of red carpet talent: I know people personally who would be great at this job. You can't tell me there aren't a metric tonne of people in Hollywood who could do it superbly. Why, WHY are the networks subjecting us to this excruciating torment? Do they not read twitter? Do they not see the pages and pages of complaints? Do they not care???

An Open Letter to My Hair Stylist

I may have mentioned here before that my hairdresser is British. And even though I spend several hours and a bushel basket of dollar bills every time I go see him, we're apparently not friends-friends, like "give me your cell number" friends. But he does read here sometimes. (He says he does.) (He probably tells all his clients that.) So I'm going to use the only medium at my disposal to ask him some questions about England.

Dear Grant,
I've been watching Season 1 of Luther on Netflix. Do you watch this show? I'd never even heard of it, and then Idris Elba won the Golden Globe for it and I was all, "What is this 'Luther'?" on twitter, and people were all, "OMG you have to watch it it is so good!"

So I got Season 1 on Netflix and seriously. There isn't a single episode where I don't find myself saying aloud, "oh, wow.' It's pretty...shocking. Which leads to my first question:

1.  Can they say the eff-word on TV in England? 

Idris Elba plays the British equivalent of a police detective (they call them investigators? or something?) which I LOVE Idris Elba but man, I can't get used to Stringer Bell having a British accent. Which leads me to my next question:

2.  What would you think of Idris Elba as Bond? 

He says he would like to be Bond, but that he doesn't want to be "the first Black Bond." I think he would be the most kick-ass Bond ever. I don't even like James Bond films but I would totally watch Idris Elba as Bond.

Your cop shows are so different than ours. They're more brutal, and yet. There're no guns!! Next question:

3. Do British cops not carry guns? How...how does that work exactly??

I think in all six episodes of Season 1, I only saw two guns. And that was in the last episode. BTW, my other current favorite show is also British - Downton Abbey - so could you please explain:

4. Why do all these British shows only have six episodes per season? 

What the hell are you people doing over there? Get to work and make some more damn TV shows already.

Feel free to respond in the comments. Or we can discuss next time I come in.

Fashion Faux Paws

Sunday night Shelby watched her first awards show with me. She had this to say about Golden Globes fashion faux paws:

Amber Riley in Badgley Mischka

"I want to curl up with you. You can have Mom's spot."

Elle McPherson in Zac Posen

"That looks like my bed after I tore it up."

Michelle Williams in Jason Wu

"Headgear is for playing with, not red carpets."

Dianna Agron in Giles Deacon

"I'm sorry I chewed up your dress."

Lea Michele in Marchesa

"I'm sorry I chewed up your... aluminum foil."

Angelina Jolie in Atelier Versace

"SHINY!"

Madeleine Stowe in Vera Wang

"I can haz bonez?"

Nicole Kidman in Versace

"TENNIS BALLS!!"

Maria Menounos in Blumarine

'SQUEAKY TOY!"

Mila Kunis in Christian Dior

"*yawn*"

Meryl Streep in Alessandra Rich

"ARF"

Shelby! Don't bark at Meryl Streep! She's a national treasure!

"ARF"

Yeah, you're right.

These pictures would be illegal under SOPA. Probably.

I know we're *supposed* to be having an internet blackout today and all, but I'm a little behind on my Golden Globes coverage. So.

You can keep your yellow - my favorite color trend at the Globes was the sapphire blues! So pretty!

Kelly Osbourne in Zac Posen

Kelly, you can do the puce-colored hair OR the tight bun, but I can't sign off on both.

Emily Deschanel in Max Azria

Some people thought this dress was too old for her. Whatevs. That makes it just about perfect for me, then.

Sofia Vergara in Vera Wang

Why even bother with the dress? She might as well just show up on the red carpet in a bikini.

Sarah Michelle Gellar in Monique Lhuillier

I didn't hate this. I kinda love when a girl can pull off a print on the red carpet and this one worked for me.

Dame Helen Mirren in Badgley Mischka

Completely fabulous. Recognize.

Another trend I noticed was the shelf boobs. These are formed by insanely stiff bodices are just poorly fitted dresses.

Kate Beckinsale in Roberto Cavalli

You get that E! crane camera swinging around and pretty soon we're looking straight down Kate's cleavage. 

Reese Witherspoon in Zac Posen

I wanted to like this, but that dress just fits her all kinds of wrong in all kinds of places. And speaking of boobs...

Madonna in Reem Acra

Hey, Madonna - don't be afraid to go up a size.


Filing under: Girl, That is Not Your Dress:

Salma Hayak in Gucci

Is it just me? Or does she look like Peter Dinklage's date in that dress?

Jessica Biel in Elie Saab Couture

I'm confused...are we shushing the engagement rumors or fanning them? Because showing up as Miss Havisham isn't really the way to go for either of those tactics.

Jessica Alba in Gucci

A lot of people picked Jessica Alba as their Best Dressed. And she looks great here. I love the color of the dress. (Her skin color? Not so much.) The dress is pretty, it's just not very...memorable.

I prefer something that's just a bit more edgy. I thought this Gucci was striking.

Evan Rachel Wood in Gucci

Claire Danes in J. Mendel

And Claire Danes gets my vote for Best Dressed because it was edgy and event-appropriate and flattering. Now if we could just get her to go back to red hair.

St. Louis Snow

St. Louis was cold.

I'm not sure what else I can say about that. The service was graveside and the wind chill was like, 7, and it was snowing and windy and blowing snow everywhere. It was like something out of a movie. As the sons and grandsons carried the plain pine box to the grave, the women, wrapped in scarves and clinging to one another followed along behind as the snow swirled in eddies around us. It was the classic image of Jewish suffering.

The snow was beautiful though, and appropriate, since Dad loved to ski. He and Mom met on a ski trip in Colorado.

Mom and Dad decided to be laid to rest in St. Louis when their only daughter, Ellen, died at the age of 49 and they purchase the plots next to hers. Ellen had been a guidance counselor at a girls' school in St. Louis.

Villa Duchesne, St. Louis

After her passing, the school erected a memorial to her outside the chapel. Her son Micah took us to see it.

The Chapel at Villa Duschesne

School hallway

Snowy yard

What's Next.

When I married Chip, a Memphis native, I had been living in Memphis for less than five years. We always talked about moving somewhere else. I wasn't married to the city and he was kind of ready to get out. We talked about raising Elijah somewhere else - somewhere nearer to the coastline, somewhere with less racial tension, somewhere that more closely mirrored our own values.

I don't know where we thought that place might have been.

Every time we traveled I fell in love and was ready to move there - Boston, Chicago, Orange County, DC. Anywhere in Florida was good. My only stipulation was I wouldn't move somewhere warmer than Memphis unless it had a beach. So Houston was out.

As a few years past and Chip's parents grew older we realized that we could never leave Memphis as long as they were still here. The older siblings had all moved away as they grew up, leaving just the youngest. We couldn't possibly move away and leave a couple in their 80s alone.

By the time Elijah was deeply entrenched in primary school, we never really talked about leaving town anymore. This was our life: Memphis. Elijah. Mom & Dad. It was from the day we said "I do" on May 30, 1993.

Until January 10, 2012. When we lost Dad.

It's weird to think of my life with Chip - my adult life as I know it - without Mom & Dad in it. They have always been here. As much a part of our family as Elijah himself.

Now, Elijah is moved out and thriving in college. And Mom and Dad are gone.

I don't know what comes next.

Pa.

I lost my own dad when I was 22, so Jerry was the only grandfather my son ever knew. The other grandchildren called him "Grandpa," but Elijah grew up with him, and started trying to say his name from the time that he began talking. He called him "Pa."

Young Elijah was enamored by Pa. He liked to follow him around the house, walk the dog with him, putter around in Dad's office with him. A grandparent's house is a magical place when you're a kid - everything is old and different and somehow very meaningful. Fifteen years later, when Mom passed, Elijah could still  while away hours on end going through old letters, newspaper clippings, historical magazines.