"Really, Bravo."

I've really developed quite a love-hate relationship with Kell on Earth. (Read previous posts here and here.) I just can't predict how much longer I may endure this television program. Kelly is hard enough on the eyes without us having to suffer through her trip to the sex shop. Really, Bravo.

And as much as I harp on how underqualified the team is at People's Revolution, I felt for Skinner this week. Not because they fired Vorhees and now she has all this extra work piled on her — really honey, get used to that. That's just business as usual these days. No, I felt for her because holy hell! Emily is a HORRIBLE manager! Skinner is young and inexperienced and she she was having a hard time prioritizing all that's being thrown at her. And I was appalled how, rather than being any assistance to her, Emily only compounded the problem.

It seems like what People's Rev needs is to hire people who have more specific skill sets: an office manager, to handle paperwork, billing, broken printers; a PR manager, to oversee the actual media pitching and PR work; an account services manager, to manage the client relationships. It just seems so unorganized up in there, with bodies being thrown at work with no rhyme nor reason to the process.

And I just don't know what else I can say about that.

Oscars 2010: And the winner is...

Was it just me, or did it seem there was more to boo than applaud at the Oscars Red Carpet this year? For instance, I did not like these cinnamon rolls that were grabbing Charlize Theron's boobs.

I did not like the plastic Hawaiian leis that were attached to the bottom of Zoe Saldana's dress.

I did not like that Miley Cyrus looked like a 40-year-old cougar trying to sneak into her boyfriend Bobby Ray's high school prom.

Or that the child is either completely unable to — or simply refuses to — stand up straight.

Although if she'd thrown her shoulders back, her boobs probably would have popped right out of that dress. So my bad. Slouch on, Cougar-lady.

I did not like the fact that Mariah Carey tried to make us all feel better about her dress's eternal slit by assuring us that she was wearing a body suit underneath.

Here's a hint, Mimi: Underwear should be worn, but not seen. Also, START DRESSING LIKE THE 40-SOMETHING THAT YOU ARE.

I didn't like that SJP's dress looked like one of those shower curtains that encircles an entire shower when you live in a tiny little efficiency in NYC and don't have a separate bathroom.

Also, from this angle, she's kinda starting to look like that lady who had so much plastic surgery that she turned into a cat lady.

I do not, as a rule, care for flesh-colored dresses, because I think you may as well hide behind a plant and yell, "DON'T LOOK AT ME!!"



That goes for you, too, Ms. Moore.

Also, I didn't like what this dress was doing to her boobs.

I definitely did not like this wedding cake that J. Lo was wearing:

especially since Amanda Seyfried did Armani Prive SO much better:


I'm not impossible to please, though. I did like Kathryn Bigelow in YSL:

FIFTY-EIGHT, BITCHES! Can we get a close up of that?

Yep. This woman can officially do no wrong in my book.

I did not hate Carey Mulligan in Prada, even though a lot of people are kind of hating on her today, mostly due to her unfortunate shoe selection:

But I don't know. I didn't hate them with the dress. I know I should. But I just don't. I'm feeling generous today.

I FREAKING LOVED Gabourey Sidibe in Marchesa:

partly because honey, she WORE that gown. This is a classic example of how a woman can look like a million bucks no matter her size. She selected a style that fit her beautifully and a color that looked amazing on her and then she worked it out. I love this girl.

I'm loving Meryl Streep in some Chris March (again).

Love the draping. Love the white on the red carpet. Love how she looks so put together. I believe she has found herself a designer, ya'll.

I love how Queen Latifah never lets us down, and always lives up to her name, this time in Badgley Mischka.


Likewise, Dame Helen Mirren.

There is nothing you can name...

And as horrifying as some of these dresses were, my Worst Dressed has to go to Diane Kruger:

Sometimes you look at a gown and you just say, "What...the...hell...?" I have no idea what all is going on here, but I know I don't like it. And who wears their hair like that TO THE OSCARS??

My Best Dressed, I'm going with Amanda Seyfried.

I liked the silvery-blue color. I liked the straight-across bodice. I like that it felt just dressy enough for the occasion. That it was also age appropriate. I liked that the skirt was full and ball-gown-y without being overwhelming, like it was swallowing her. Well done, Mamma Mia girl. Well done.

I know I left out Sandy. I KNOW. I hesitate to address this one because I don't think my opinion is going to be very popular. Also because I couldn't figure out where it fit in my likes and dislikes continuum. Here's the thing: I thought Sandy looked very pretty. (Although I didn't like her fuschia lipstick, as has already been established.)

I thought her hair looked very shiny, if a little plain. And I thought the dress was AMAZING. On a 55-year-old woman. It just felt too old to me.


I read where someone wrote that Sandy wore the perfect "Hi, I'm here to pick up my Oscar" dress. And that's true. But they also called it a SAFE choice. And it was. Yes, it looked beautiful on her. Yes, it was far better than some of the things we've seen her in. Did it knock my socks off? No.






Hi, while I have you all here, can I just take this moment to direct you to my brand new fashion blog. It's called No Excuses Fashion and I started it because I wanted a spot where I could solely discuss fashion and style but I also wanted to keep my personal blog, so. There you go. Please excuse the kind of boring template-y design until I get up and running a bit more and then you'll find (I suspect) that the new blog looks suspiciously similar to this one. Anyway, please add me to your reader. Thanks. X

"I see her every time I leave my house."

I know I've talked about this before, but after last night's Oscars, I feel compelled to bring it up again.

First, look. I love Sandra Bullock. I do. Truly. Hope Floats is one of my all-time faves. ("I have one word for you people: POLAROIDS.") I'm not against Sandy winning an Oscar. I just didn't think this was the winning performance. And I liked The Blind Side. I thought the script was decent and there were some above-average performances. Maybe even Sandy's.

But I gotta tell you, that move is VERY controversial here in Memphis. Black folks don't like it because of the "white savior" storyline. And everyone else is just highly suspicious of the Tuohy's. Regardless of its actual size, Memphis is very small-town, especially out here in the suburbs where both myself and the Tuohy's live. You can't go get your roots done without getting the low-down on Leigh Anne Tuohy because your stylist also does the hair of a girl who used to cheer with her in high school. Memphians — probably UT Vols fans who are still pissed Michael Oher went to Ole Miss — say that he signed his $4 million NFL sign-on bonus over to the family. The football coach at your son's public school tells his English class that the Tuohy's now have the number one basketball player in the state, a black kid from R-------- High School, living with them. Who knows what to believe any more?

Not to mention, people here are kinda pissed that the movie was filmed in Atlanta. Apparently, no one from Memphis had anything to do with the production, because there were a lot of things about the film that were decidedly un-Memphis, from the language to the scene where Leigh Anne threatened to shoot the gang-banger. In real life, if a Germantown Housewife walked up in Hurt Village and threatened a gangster, she would have ended up the lead story on the evening news. And not in a good way.

And that was the character Sandy played: A Germantown Housewife. They're famous around these parts. When I first moved to Memphis in the mid-80s, the morning radio show used to regularly do Germantown Housewife jokes. Maybe they still do; I don't know because I don't listen to the same station I did when I was 20.

A Germantown Housewife has blond highlights and professionally waxed eye brows. She drives a big ole SUV (which she drives like she owns the damn road) and wears big ole Channel sun glasses. She doesn't work outside the home. She lunches with friends and carpools her kids to private schools. Her family is new money and can't quite afford the really elite neighborhoods in True East Memphis, so they settle in the east suburbs, after which she is named. She's an SEC fan, because she wouldn't dream of supporting an urban school like the University of Memphis. She is Leigh Anne Tuohy.

And I see her every time I leave my house.

Not...Leigh Anne. But her. The Germantown Housewife. She's a fact of life where I live. Common as the day is long.

Which brings us back to why Sandy's performance didn't impress me much. Because the character is so COMMON to me. Hell, I could play her. God knows I'm familiar enough with her. And she's not hard to portray. She's not deep. She's not complex. Quite the opposite.

Am I happy for Sandy? Of course I am. I loved her speech. I loved how happy Jesse was for her. I would've selected a different lipstick, but that's another post altogether.

Wonder

"I often think of six impossible things before breakfast.

1. Potion makes you shrink.
2. Cake makes you grow.
3. Animals can talk.
4. Cats can disappear.
5. There is a place called Wonderland.
   
6. And I can slay the jabberwocky."
   

"E was not to be deterred."

Everyone's got a sports team horror story, don't they? Usually it's the parents. Sometimes it's the coach. Ours tonight was the players themselves. And their fans. OMG, their fans.

We played for the league championship tonight. Elijah's never won a title game in basketball. We played for the title last year. If you remember, our opponent actually lost their qualifying game, but protested on the grounds that the team they lost to was playing ringers. Then they turned around and beat us in the championship BY DOING THE SAME THING! So that was kind of frustrating.

This year we played a team that we had a lot of trouble out of when we played them in the regular season. One player in particular — the smallest player on their team — had a real attitude problem. So none of us were very excited to see that this was who we were playing for the title.

Their team, the MadDogs, packed the stands with a bunch of really loud high school kids. Loud. Rude. Disrespectful. They mocked our players. They mocked our coaches. They mocked the refs. They even mocked the league representative who was there. They yelled Godzilla slurs at our Asian player. They barked when we shot free throws. Their players got two technicals. They nearly started two fights which, oddly, didn't result in technicals.

We were up by one at the half. I thought I would throw up. Some of our moms got in a shouting match with some of their fans (the kids, not their parents, who were actually pretty respectable, relatively speaking). My philosophy is to ignore that kind of behavior. People like that only get egged on by your reaction. And the last thing I wanted was some kind of altercation in the parking lot after the game.

The second half got pretty awesome. We went up by six, by eight, by ten. The further ahead we got, the uglier their crowd got. With a minute and a half left, the MadDogs down by nine, the league representative stood up and quieted the crowd and told them it all had to STOP. One of the girls yelled out something about, "Tell it to both sides then!" Which, first of all, that's precisely why I was telling our group NOT to respond to their bad behavior. And secondly, really? You're gonna yell back at the league guy? You stay classy, MadDogs.

They started fouling, as is the practice of a losing team at the end of the game. They fouled Elijah, he stepped to the foul line to shoot. One of their fangirls yelled something about him being "Will Ferrell" (a Semi-Pro reference). E was not to be deterred. He made his shot, then turned around and blew a kiss to the girl. It was the MOST AWESOME THING EVER.

I call this photo CHAMPIONS.

"We sold the Benzo."

Elsewhere today: Read my No Excuses Fashion post, Why Are You Wearing Tennis Shoes in Public?

********

I got rid of my Mercedes. That is, we sold the Benzo.

I had gotten the car just before my 40th birthday. I had on my list that I wanted a convertible, and this was an amazing one. I enjoyed the hell out of it for several years but it was time to let her go.

First of all, the up-keep on that thing was murder! I took it in for a brake job and ended up spending a thousand dollars. The parts alone were ridiculously expensive. Secondly, my days of needing to be flashy and conspicuous are behind me. And thirdly, that car was never all that comfortable. Every time I rode in it I ended up with a back ache.

But the real reason it was time to unload the car is because I've given up working a full-time job in lieu of chasing a dream. Sounds crazy, right? Well, maybe it is. But dreams can't come true if you don't pursue them. And no one is ever going to knock on my door and ask me if I want to be a writer. The only way I can live out my dream of being a writer is to be one. So that's what I'm doing.

So there wasn't really any sense in owning three cars, given that two of us are now working from home and rarely leave the house. And mine was easily the most expensive of our vehicles. It was actually my idea to get rid of it. Chip kept asking me, "Are you okay with this? You're sure you want to do this?" Hmm...let's see...Given the choice between driving a Mercedes convertible or staying at home to pursue my life's dream of becoming a writer, I gotta go with the opportunity to write every time.

At least this time.

Cross-dressing the Part

An actual letter from an actual reader:

Hi,

I have been wearing high heels, short skirts, dresses, blouses, chiffon tops, etc., which are all fine but since I am a guy, I guess that is just weird!

I am planning in telling my girlfriend but I want to look my best. What do you recommend, and no, I'm not wearing my male clothes to do it.

I want her to see me as the cross dresser that I am. She will probably finish with me but I still want to look my best, as I love the clothes more than her so its only fair to her to be totally honest with her.

By the way, I'm not gay, not even the slightest bit. I like female company but love the clothes.

What do you recommend?
J.

Well J., this is quite the dilemma for you, isn't it? On one hand, you want your girlfriend to see how fabulous you look in a skirt and heels. But on the other hand, if you look hotter in a dress than she does, that literally adds insult to her injury, doesn't it?

But I suppose if you're going to do it, you gotta do it right. And looking fabulous is my specialty, so you've come to the right place.

J. specified that his favorite pieces are pencil skirts and chiffon blouses. Pencil skirts are almost universally flattering. My favorite way to wear them is with a peplum jacket.


This suit from Pink Tartan may be a bit more buttoned-up than J. is looking for. Here's another option, from Victoria's Secret:


Although it obviously needs a blouse. I recommend something in a vibrant color, with ruffles. Finish off the look with a pair of sexy sling-backs.

All this can definitely be a flattering look, but I'm not sure I would call it fabulous. It's a little business-like, no? I think you really need to kick it up for this auspicious occasion. I'm thinking DRESS. Like this cowl-necked dress from Banana:

which is really feminine and flattering but needs a belt around that elasticized waist. Or this watercolor wrap dress:

which is soft and flowy and lengthening and come to think of it, would be really cute on me. Wear with the dresses a pair of kick-ass pumps.

Now J., we need to talk about your legs. I understand that men who enjoy wearing women's clothes tend to especially enjoy outdated and uncomfortable underthings. Now, I don't want to deprive you the joy of garters and stockings and such but we need to lay down some ground rules here.

First, bare legs are preferable to nude hose. No one wears nude hose. I personally never wear any hose. Tights in the winter - okay, but I really despise hose. Second, stockings over hairy legs is a most unattractive look. I can't sign off on that at all. If you are opposed to shaving your legs then I have to recommend you go bare or stick with opaque tights.

Lastly, I don't know where you stand on jewelry, J., but let's not forget that the only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize. So pick out some long necklaces, or a cuff bracelet or some chandelier earrings to make sure your look is finished off.

So you're all set then. Best of luck to you. I hope your girlfriend is understanding about your interest in pretty clothes. Please let us know how it goes.

"I'm completely infatuated with Canada."

I have been an Olympics junkie since I saw Olga Korbut on the balance beam in 1972. I was six years old and I wore my hair in "olgas" for the entirety of first grade.


I will watch pretty much any sport if there's an Olympic medal at stake. I never miss an opening or closing ceremony. I even have on my "bucket list" to attend an Olympic opening ceremony before I die.

But never, in all my years of watching Olympics, do I remember falling in love with the host country like I have this year. Which, in all fairness, I've wanted for a long time to visit Vancouver — preferably in the summertime — but I don't think that was the appeal, given that I didn't really see much of the area during the Olympics coverage. (The crappy way NBC covered it, I was lucky to see much Olympics during the Olympics coverage.)

The appeal starts with the national anthem. We've all known for quite some time that O Canada is a kick-ass national anthem. But until you've witnessed a crowd of thousands, so proud of their homeland that they belt it out together, sometimes COMPLETELY UNPROMPTED, then I don't think you've felt the full impact of O Canada. I can now add it to the list of national anthems I know by heart (ours, natch, plus England's; I'm still working on France's.), simply because I, too, want to join in on the belting out of it.

I was actually kinda hoping Canada would win the hockey game so I could hear the anthem one last time before the Olympics closed. I'm sorry if I cursed the US team because really, that was pretty darn cool when they scored that tying goal with 24 seconds left. I felt said for Ryan Miller but don't think I didn't crank up the television during the medal ceremony and belt out O Canada with 19 thousand other joyous fans. Granted, they were celebrating the gold; I was just thrilled to be singing along.

There's plenty of other things to love about Canada, from the French speakers (come on, it's easily the most beautiful language on earth), to the Queen's representative, to...well...Redneck Mommy. I love how they love to own sports like hockey and curling that are so foreign to us southern girls. I love how laid back and cool the Canadians all are. I love that sweet and courageous Joannie Rochette.

So when @thoscarpenter twittered "I will never forgive my parents for not being Canadian." I totally got where he was coming from. I don't mean it to sound unpatriotic or like I don't love my own country, but I'm completely infatuated with Canada.

Although, we have Shaun White. So there's that.