Wait til you hear where I've been...

So, you're not going to believe this, but I've been on a cruise. For real. Wait till you see these pictures.

Okay, I joke. But I really was on a cruise. Just not that cruise. It was a Royal Caribbean ship. It was awesome. It did not break down. The biggest complaint I have is that the spa services were fairly mediocre for their exorbitant prices.

I went completely off-line, so I wrote a journal on my tablet.

Saturday, Day 1
It took us more than seven hours to traverse the Mississippi River before we even got to the Gulf. The Captain warned that it's not a straight shot, so we'd feel some "listing." We saw the Roman Numerals (XLVII) but they were backwards.  I'll have to see if I can flip that photo. 

(totally flipped it)

We passed two other cruise ships coming up the river. I guess they dock in NOLA on Super Bowl Saturday. Good luck with that. Hope you don't need a cab or anything. The people we ate with tonight were two retired couples from north Texas. They complained about everything. I found them to be remarkably stereotypical. Chip called them "cruise snobs." I'm ready to get out into the Caribbean where it will be warmer. I did not bring warm clothes. I brought swim suits. And given the bodies I've seen on Day 1, I have no qualms about wearing a bikini at the pool.

the pool

I had a body scrub and massage at the spa tonight. It included a scalp massage. It was loud. 

Sunday, Day 2
Our neighbors upwind smoke on their balcony, which is a total buzz kill. We are about even with Cape Coral, Fla., this morning, so it's warmed up considerably. It's very weird to not have the internet. I couldn't tweet horizontally OR cuddle with Shelby this morning. I don't know what to do with myself upon awakening. We are on the port side, so when we're headed south, we have morning sun. And it's bright. 

The band by the pool is playing a reggae version of Adele's "Don't You Remember." It is a travesty. 

Monday, Day 3
Woke up and the Cozumel coastline was outside my balcony. I sang, "Good Morning, Mexico!" to the tune of the Hairspray song. 

We ate breakfast on the balcony, then went ashore for a day of sailing and snorkeling. 

I learned that you shouldn't put conditioner in your hair before snorkeling because it makes the mask straps slip and you lose your seal. Also, they kind of frown on wearing "chemicals" into the reef sea. They only let us reapply sunscreen when we left the shore so that it would be dry and not wash off and kill their coral. The older Asian guy next to me on the catamaran had this giant log book where he wrote down every detail of the trip -- names of the crew members, what time we set out, his feelings about snorkeling. I started to make fun of him until I realized that if I had an internet connection I'D BE DOING THE SAME THING. At lunch at Toro's Place

RECOMMEND

we watched pelican's  dive into the sea for fish.

 It made me feel like I'm not so far from home after all. First day I truly felt like I was on vacation. 

Tuesday, Day 4
Good Morning, Grand Cayman! 

Chip said one of our balcony neighbors got into a plate-throwing domestic argument this morning. I missed it because I was getting a facial. Which came with another scalp massage. Still loud. Today we went swimming with dolphins. 

It was ah-maz-ing! We also waded in the turtle ponds. And turtles are my FAVORITE. I love them. 

I refrained from kissing them. There are a lot of people this evening with severe sunburn. I don't understand coming to the Caribbean and not wearing sunscreen. We had dinner at Portofino's and now prosciutto with apples and buffalo mozzarella is my favorite ever. 

Wednesday, Day 5
Good Morning, Jamaica! 

The time is going fast. Today will be a relaxing day at the beach. We bought a pass to one of the resorts here. Jamaica is definitely the prettiest island from the sea. Colorful buildings and lush mountains. Even the terminal courtyard is nicer -- clean and polished and charming. 

Compared to this, Cozumel and Grand Cayman felt like tent cities thrown up to accommodate the tourists. I thought Jamaica might be my favorite, based on how pretty it is. I considered that we might actually fly down here and spend a week at a resort on a future vacation. Until I encountered the "no problem, mon" which sure, it's not a problem for YOU that you picked us up a half hour late, but we paid good money to spend the day at the beach and you're eating into our clock. It's actually kind of infuriating if you're not a patient person. The beach was lovely and the weather so beautiful I never got in the water passed my ankles. I just lazed in the shade of an almond tree, eating jerk chicken and drinking fresh lemonade. 

Ahhh...yeah'mon. I've seen a lot in 20 years of marriage, but there's not much that rivals seeing Chip sitting on a beach in a guayabera shirt smoking a Cuban cigar. PS - It turns out that reggae version of "Don't You Remember" is a popular radio hit here. I don't know who sings it. If I had the internet I'd look it up for you. 

Editor's Note: It was Romain Virgo. 

Thursday, Day 6
We have two days at sea ahead of us, as we swing past the western tip of Cuba and head back into the Gulf of Mexico. This morning Chip woke up very early (clock change) so he went up to the top deck and walked a mile and a half around the deck track. Then he went and got a bran muffin. He said he was feeling guilty for all he's been eating, but I suspect he has turned into one of those elderly cruisers. We had dinner with three couples that we liked so much that the eight of us agreed to eat together again tomorrow. Then we all went to see the show, a Broadway revue. Which, you know, Broadway, right? I listen to the satellite radio Broadway channel every single day. I know way, way more Broadway tunes than your average passenger. And I hardly knew any of the songs. They let the white girl (who I don't like) sing Dreamgirls. And then they sang Robert Palmer! I mean come on! I know this is cruise ship entertainment, but if you're going to do a Broadway revue, don't do songs from a fucking jukebox show! 

Friday, Day 7
I tuned into Headline News this morning (has that been available all week?) and they're showing a winter storm that dumped 10 inches of snow on Michigan. Three feet is expected in Boston today and their public transit system is closing at 3 this afternoon. Okay...going back to the pool now.