Getting ready to make some New Year's Resolutions? Be inspired by these tweeters who are clearly in touch with who they are.
In my experience, men like women with style and confidence and if for you that means red lips then FFS wear them proudly.
This existential crisis would be much better if I were having it in a decrepit attic apartment in Paris.
My dentist's office has confirmed tomorrow's appt. with me 3 times. At this point, I suspect it's really a surprise party.
I can never remember the titles nor authors of the books I'm reading. This memory foam mattress is BULLCRAP.
I don't think I can get out of this bed. I'm basically a Charlie Bucket
I do not at all understand the mystery of grace - only that it meets us where we are but does not leave us where it found us.” -@AnneLamott
I use a coffee mug to melt butter in the microwave. Never do this while also drinking coffee. I mean, yum. I mean, *clutching at aorta*
Do I want to talk to a local news reporter about reading 50 Shades of Grey? Ah hahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaa no.
Sometimes when I start to get paranoid or anxious I have to check myself, take a breath, and think oh yeah - I don't give a fuck
You can always tell what kind of week I'm having by how many fast food straw wrappers are in the drivers side door compartment of my car.
What's the proper ratio of Reading Trash Books to Reading Quality Literature? Is there a 3-to-1 or 10-to-1 split? I'm working on 20-to-0.
next lady to rub my belly is getting her boob squeezed; 'sorry, I thought we were touching each other inappropriately'
I miss being a kid, when I got all happy on days that Mom said, "you can wear shorts!"
One of the moms on the other team is a former Miss Texas. One of the moms on our team refers to herself as "Tweety Gurl."
Am going to be more like Kalinda on "The Good Wife". I'll need high heel boots & a gun. Hope am not badly injured or killed by gun, or boots
Whenever you have the chance to travel, do so. Seeing how people do things in a different environment will spark your creativity.
The two most important days in your life are the day you are born, and the day you find out why. ~ Mark Twain
after several unsuccessful attempts to log in, I realized: I got off the elevator at the wrong floor. NOT MY DESK
"Why are you leaving your position?" "It's time for. A cool change." Missed opportunity.
Never say "Oh that's huge, it'll never fit me!" out loud because you will try it on and it will be too fucking small.
Fun fact: if you don't wear your work-out clothes for awhile, they shrink inside your drawers.
"Prometheus, are you seeing this?" I'm just going to say that every time I see some ugly outfit. L
When I don't have the energy to write a proper email I send a two-word reply & add "Sent from my iPhone" at the bottom. This is a thing now.
I have Order Muppet eyebrows for sure.
There's no such thing as bad weather, only the wrong clothes.
There's no s'mores pie. I just yelled "I had a spinal tap!" into a drive thru speaker. Far from my proudest moment.
I remember the Bicentennial. This is something I think about when I'm not feeling mortal enough.
When someone says, 'The cavalry has arrived." I hear, 'The Cabaret has arrived." That's all you need to know about me.
Medical update; one of the melanomas responded to Benadryl spray, the other came off easily w/ paint thinner. Aneurysm better after Advil.
Whenever I have pizza ordered in, I try to think of the worst way to come to the door, so far I've decided it's tied to a chair.
For someone who has a license to drive a car and own a firearm I sure choke on my spit a lot.
I'm sophisticated enough now (read: old) that I can look at pictures of restaurants and know they'll be too loud for me.
I love short hair and geek glasses on women. I could totally pull that off, too...if I wanted to look like Paul on The Wonder Years.
Slept with the window open last night. Or as I like to call it, "Went Camping."
One of those public nudity bad dreams. I was baring greatly.
So I'm at a party tonight and this woman says "my dad hooks up with a Russian whore" and then turns to me with a "no offense."
Nail lady noticed the one moisturized part of my foot. AKA the spot where I spilled oil from a jar of natural peanut butter this morning.
Elderly lady strolling on the treadmill, wearing slacks & loafers, purse tucked under her arm: I want to be you someday, little superstar.
I hate when crisp fall mornings turn into muggy afternoons. I dirtied a pair of socks for nothing! -T.
I think maybe the key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.
Now, every time I trip over my own feet, I will ashamedly remind myself that Baumgartner was able to stick that landing.
Too many chevrons on Pinterest. This generation of women made too many gum wrapper chains. Brains altered. http://is.gd/1wUfhW
Husband: "I just saw that woman you don't like." Me: "You'll have to be way more specific than that."
One more "Free To Be" thought: Nothing from my childhood delighted me like the idea that the hungry tigers would eat the snotty girls first.
I realize that my mother & grandmother wouldn't understand or comprehend much of what I do everyday. But then sometimes I make cornbread.
Me: "Why is every man in a commercial unshaven these days?" My husband: "You're getting dangerously close to 'Take a bath, hippie.'"
My pastor says you can trap bees on floor of jars w/o lids b/c they don't look up--just walk around &bump into glass. So look up. We're free
I just added “Present first born like Simba in The Lion King" to my birth plan.
3 mins! Thank you all for coming. Hope something I said was helpful or make you laugh. Laughter is carbonated holiness, REALLY
whenever i get dressed, I feel like Anne Hathaway in the end of The Devil Wears Prada but I'm pretty sure I look like her in the beginning.
I think I'll be getting diabetes for Christmas this year.
I think I'll be getting diabetes for Christmas this year.
I hope you’re enjoying and appreciating your chin-hair free days, ladies under 40.