"They'll call me with the lab results."

A month or so ago, I saw an ad in a local magazine for a dermatologist office across the street from E's high school. Dr. Purvisha Patel marketed herself as a "skin cancer specialist," which appealed to me. I had been to a dermatologist a few years ago to have a mole removed, but he never checked the rest of my skin for any abnormalities. So I made an appointment with this skin cancer specialist because I wanted someone to do a complete examination who would RECOGNIZE skin cancer if she saw it.

It's not that I thought I have skin cancer. The mole that was removed years ago from my stomach was large but it was not cancerous. But I have a lot of various brown spots on my arms and legs and, the more I look at them, the more they start to bother me.

I made the appointment a month or so out because that's how long it took to get a new patient visit and also I wanted my summer tan to fade just a bit. I'd feel kind of stupid going in there asking her to check for skin cancer with some harsh tanlines.

I needn't have worried. She chided me anyway. She said that unless I was using at least a 30 SPF and reapplying it every two hours ("which I know you're not; nobody does."), I was giving myself what she called a lovely PRE-CANCEROUS GLOW.

Oh sure, I thought. Easy for you to say. You have gorgeous butter-caramel-colored skin. Not fair to tell me I can't try to look like you!

She did the exam, having her assistant make notes in my file using skin-doctor terminology that I didn't understand. All the little marks on my arms that had me so worried (really, the only ones I can get close enough to see) she breezed over. But then when she looked at my torso she stopped dead in her tracks.

"Has this one changed much recently?" She was looking at the one by my bellybutton - the one that often makes people double-take to decide if my bellybutton is pierced. (It is not.) To be honest, I don't spend a lot of time navel-gazing, so I hadn't noticed a change in the spot's appearance. But when I looked at it under her light in the exam room, I was all, "Huh. Yeah. I think maybe it has."

So she sliced it off with a razor blade.

No really, she did. I mean, she numbed it first with a shot of novocaine, but then she sliced it off with a razor blade. I fully intended to watch but then I lost my nerve and looked away at the last minute.

They'll call me in a couple of days with the lab results of my little fake bellybutton ring. I figure it's fine. Even if it's not, I'm not really worried since I'm sure we removed it in time.

Whichever way the lab results go, it probably won't change my love for the beach. Look, I do wear sunscreen, just not very high SPF. I surely don't want to die from a completely preventable disease, so I suppose I might increase my SPF a bit. Spend a little more time under the umbrella. Sadly, I do not appear to be the smartest person in the room.

"Hate against anyone can not be tolerated."

Something horrible happened in Memphis last night. Someone with a lot of hate and anger and God knows what other toxic emotions - not to mention way too much time on their hands - climbed this billboard:


and reduced it to this:


Now, I don't care what your opinion is of National Coming Out Day or Don't Ask/ Don't Tell policy or even homosexuality, this kind of hate is inexcusable.

The fact of the matter is, the local man on the billboard is (was) a Marine who fought for freedom the same as every other proud man in uniform. This crime dishonors all soldiers and it stifles free speech.

I know that not everyone who reads here has the same views about GLBT rights that I do but I like to think that everyone who reads here does agree that the perpetrator's response to this billboard's message was wrong.

The Memphis Gay & Lesbian Community Center (MGLCC) bought several billboards around town to launch an awareness campaign around National Coming Out Day. (See the billboards here.) If you disagree with the organization's message, then buy your own billboard. Or write a letter to the editor. Or stage a protest. But to destroy someone else's paid message in the dark of night is a cowardly denial of free speech.

When I read this story this morning (not on the daily paper's web site, BTW. I've actually yet to see it there.) I immediately went to the MGLCC's web site and made a donation to help fund a replacement billboard. I posted the link to my facebook page and encouraged my friends to do the same. I was heartened to get replies from people who don't even live in Memphis that are giving.

Because hate against ANYONE, ANYWHERE can not be tolerated. It doesn't matter if you agree with a person's lifestyle. It doesn't matter what your religion teaches about sin. As far as I know, all religions teach LOVE. "Love they neighbor." "Let us love one another, for love comes from God." "If anyone says, 'I love God,' yet hates his brother, he is a liar."

"Now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is LOVE."

MGLCC is planning a rally next weekend to show Memphis that, in the face of discrimination, we can peacefully unite with a message of strength, hope and love.

I think it's time for me to pull out my "Straight against Hate" sign.






NOTE: Comments are open but any comment that perpetuates hate or resorts to name-calling will be deleted. I am always up for a discussion, even from opposing points of view, but keep it civil. Don't make me unfriend you.

"SO FUN to wear this fall!"

If you've been reading here a while, you know that the transitional seasons are my FAVORITE for fashion. Boots without tights, cardigans, scarves...there are so many creative ways to pass from one season to another.

I recently went shoe shopping, hoping to find some high-heeled gladiator sandals on sale. But I absolutely DID NOT want booties. I came home with these:


Which are going to be SO FUN to wear this fall! With short dresses!! Look at some of the great deals I found online.

This capped-sleeved dress (Target, $8.74) is really flattering, with a banded empire waist and a gathered bust.

In solid black, with the black boots, it can be brightened up by a scarf in warm fall colors (Anthropologie, $32):



Or a patterned scarf (Banana Republic, $60)


Or, for a dressier look, an embellished scarf (Anthropologie, $42):


A print dress (Old Navy, $19.99)

pairs up with a solid-color cashmere scarf (Victoria's Secret, $48)


Or, depending on the weather, a light-weight cashmere scarf (Banana Republic, $70)


The color, fabric and sleeve length of this gray jersey dress (Old Navy, $15) is perfect for fall:

Which makes it perfectly paired with a nubby scarf (Urban Outfitters, $18)


Or a draped cardigan (Banana Republic, $90)


As the weather cools, switch from booties to knee-high boots and eventually add tights. Throw on a cardigan or a jean or leather jacket. Experiment with leggings. A couple of inexpensive dresses, a variety of accessories and you've got an entire season of outfits!

"You gotta put down the duckie if you want to play the saxophone."

I may have mentioned this a time or two or six or seventeen. I am Sesame Street's biggest fan. If I had to pick one all-time favorite television show, it would be Sesame Street. I was 2 years old when Sesame Street premiered, making me a part of the original Sesame Street generation. I fully credit it with my being able to read when I started preschool at age 4. After high school years that revolved around choir & small ensembles, I headed to college to major in education. My dream job was to combine my singing talents with my teaching abilities. My dream job was to work on Sesame Street.

Alas, that did not come to pass and I ultimately changed my major several times before graduating from college. But I did work in a daycare during some of my years as a student, so that afforded me the opportunity to watch more Sesame Street. And then eventually I had a child of my own which, again...more Sesame Street.

And here's what I know: In addition to letters and numbers and other valuable building blocks of education, you can learn a lot of beneficial life lessons from Sesame Street.

Lessons about acceptance, and friendship, and emotions such as happiness, sadness and fear. And this very important lesson:




I hope you watched that video. I hope you watched it all the way through so that you saw all of the 1988 celebrities who recognized the importance of this message. Trying to play the saxophone with a rubber duckie in your hand probably just seems silly to a 3 year old, but how many of us still haven't mastered this simple life lesson?

Sometimes the things we love block us from achieving our goals. The people and places that we've used to construct our comfort zones then hold us in, and keep opportunity out. Like Ernie's duckie. The good news is, we don't have to get rid of those things, we just have to put them down. Maybe walk away for a minute. Get a new perspective. Learn a new talent.

I often find myself holding on to ridiculous ideals and comparisons that actually prevent me from achieving what it is that I am capable of. The goals I set for my writing and my blog become skewed by the success of someone who began blogging before there was much competition and had the foresight to brand herself and the incidental luck to be fired for it all.

Trailblazers clear the path for others to follow but rarely are they actually passed by. I will not duplicate that success. I will have to create my own success. I have to put down the duckie if I want to play the saxophone.

"I have a right to be pissed."

Nobody really likes to look at their character defects. I certainly don't. But when they're pointed out to you repeatedly over the years, you don't really have a choice.

I apparently have a problem being NICE to people. I know, right??? I'M NICE!! (I saw Drum Eatenton at the Piggly Wiggly this morning and I smiled at the sumbitch before I could help myself!) But this has been a recurring theme in my professional life.

I've been called out at work before for not being NICE enough to the people I managed when I asked them to do a task. Because apparently, grown adults need buttering up before their boss is allowed to ask them to do any work.

I was once accused of being rude to a co-worker because I sent an email to her that tersely said, "Don't do that again" when she left me to do her work. It was suggested that perhaps I shouldn't send emails when I'm angry, so I can be NICER. See, I think if you're not doing your job, I don't really have to be NICE.

I've been told in more than one performance review that I need to learn to correct people while still being NICE to them. So when my bosses yelled and cussed me out, I was then expected to turn around and coddle the people who actually fucked up.

I know it's a defect in my character, but I just think ACT RIGHT AND I'LL ACT NICE. I don't understand the concept that I should be nice no matter what you do or how you act. That might work for a Miss Congeniality pageant but I'm here to get a job done and frankly, you should be too.

That doesn't make me Miranda Priestly. Miranda was a bitch whether you did your job well or not. That's different. I'm not like that.

But I think being NICE has to be earned, same as respect and trust. I think I should be able to say to someone I manage, "I need this done." and not have to say, "If you have a second, could you please do this me? That would be great, thanks!" I think if you dump your work on me, I have a right to be pissed. I think if you fuck up and I get yelled at for it, then you can expect me to be angry.

What say you? Tell me why nice matters. Convince me that I'm wrong here.

Live Blogging the Emmys

7:05 - NPH's opening song is funny, especially the part about Jon Hamm.
7:06 - "It's my job to make sure everything runs smoothly...here's hoping Kanye West likes 30 Rock."
7:11 - Is it just me or are you haven't a hard time following this comedy montage?
7:12 - Did I miss something? Why are they all wearing glasses?
7:13 - First award of the night: Supporting Actress in a Comedy: Kristen Chenowith. Ya'll, I have such a crush on her. She's squeaky crying. Her show has been canceled so she's putting out a call for a role on Mad Men or The Office or 24.
7:19 - Ya know what would've been good during this commercial break? BROWNIES.
7:21 - Alison Hanigan's hair color is nirvana. I wish I could get that.
7:22 - Is anyone keeping track of 30 Rock awards? That's one.
7:25 - I really wanted the guy from Big Bang to win the supporting actor award but it turns out he's not nominated. He must be considered a leading actor. Jon Cryer wins and Kevin Dillon looks pissed.
7:27 - Did Jon Cryer just tell Charlie Sheen that he's going to give him his Emmy?
7:34 - JT rocking the hot nerd look.
7:35 - I don't really think Sarah Silverman's schtick is funny.
7:36 - I've not seen Toni Collette's show (they sure do like to give awards to cable shows). The bodice of her dress looks just like Julia Louis Dryfes's.
7:37 - The breastfeeding joke fell flat. I'm guessing it's because no one in the audience has seen her show either.
7:39 - It's Fergie and Leighton Meester. Oh wait, that's Blake Lively.
7:40 - I think it's awesome that JT won for SNL cause he is HIGH-LARIOUS on that show.
7:41 - Leighton Meester has so much make up on she looks like a drag queen. It's Fergie & a Drag Queen.
7:49 - I really hope the guy from Big Bang wins THIS ONE but I don't know if anyone stands a chance against Alex Baldwin.
7:51 - Yeah, I figured. He is funny though.
7:53 - I don't get Family Guy. Who is their target audience?
7:56 - "Circus" is a good song choice for the Reality montage. It's pretty embarrassing that they even recognize that half these shows exist on a program that recognizes excellence in television.
7:58 - Hayden Penattiere wins the Most Hairspray Award.
7:59 - He's living his dream, Probst says. Apparently, his dream is to accept an award on national television without bothering to wear a tie.
8:06 - Tracy Morgan: Talented? Yes. Lovely? Ehhh...
8:07 - Amazing Race is the ONLY reality show to ever win an Emmy. I hope it continues its streak this evening.
8:08 - YES! *pumps fist*
8:12 - This is the first chance I'm getting to see Kyra's dress since E's camera work on the red carpet sucked it up so bad. I like the color. I like it on her. It's a little busy. I could do without the flower on her shoulder.
8:13 - I don't know who this woman is or what the movie was that she was in, but she's getting to an age where she might want to consider covering her arms.
8:15 - I bet Kyra will be so pleased to find out that the camera showed her backside every time someone won.
8:16 - Aaaand...an interruption joke that finally gets a chuckle!
8:23 - Kate Walsh's hair looks really pretty (love the color!) but that dress is horrendous. Whoever thought cutouts on a formal dress were a good idea? Especially on a woman of her age!
8:26 - Oh Patricia Arquette, don't be afraid to go up a size so that there's room in your dress for all of your boobs.
8:30 - YAY! DR. HORRIBLE!!
8:35 - I do not think that Jessica Lange's dress is age appropriate. (She's going to thank Drew, right?)
8:36 - Awkwardness avoided. I'm glad Drew has that ink-dipped part of her hair folded up inside her updo.
8:42 - Oh hai Anna's boobs. I don't even know who you are, and yet...I feel as if I know you intimately.
8:45 - That's it? Only two outstanding miniseries? Wow, that kind of sucks for the one that doesn't win, huh? Especially when no one's ever even heard of the one that did!
8:48 - Can we not get through ONE SINGLE AWARD SHOW without having to see Beyonce with no pants on?? Fucking please.
8:51 - the guy who just won for American Idol was sitting behind the little short guy from "Smokey & the Bandit." I'm not even kidding.
8:55 - the writers from SNL are like 14.
8:56 - I'd like to know what percentage of Jon Stewart's writers are Jewish. Because it appears that they are all the buddies who grew up on his block in Jersey.
9:08 - Ricky Gervais really, really wants to host an awards show.
9:10 - Jon Stewart: "If the Oscar guys would write me a song...seriously. [*shrug*] I would sing."
9:11 - Ya know who I haven't seen tonight at all? Not even on the red carpet? Dr. House. *Oh that's right! He's in the mental institution.
9:22 - the President on 24 is from Paris, Tennessee. She just thanked "Mama & Daddy." Again, I'm not even kidding.
9:40 - Are women of film who are over 40 coming to TV because the television roles are so good, or because the film roles have all dried up?
9:49 - Okay, I've seen Hugh Laurie. I can go to bed now.
9:56 - Did Tina Fey just take a dig at the Jay Leno show?
10:00 - Between 30 Rock & Mad Men there's really not much suspense left in who wins the final awards for the night. Good night all.

Live Blogging the Emmy Red Carpet!

5:28 I just got here. Sorry I fell asleep on the sofa watching football! Have we missed anyone good? I'm watching the red carpet on E, even though god, I HATE Ryan Seacrest. I pretty much hate everyone who does red carpet. I wish someone would give me a job doing it.
5:37 - So far the only thing I've seen is Ryan talking about his sweat. It's hot in LA. We get it.
5:40 - Jeff Probst: "If it's Bergeron, I'm pulling a Kanye." Heh. Button up your shirt, Probst.
5:46 - Sigourney Weaver's hair & dress look beautiful and age appropriate. Well played.
5:48 - Rob Lowe always looks hot. He can't help it. Kelly Cucco is awfully chatty. I'm gonna need some of what she's on tomorrow morning.
5:53 - Pre-recorded comedy sketches, E? Really? With actors we don't even know? REALLY? God, is the red carpet on another channel?
5:56 - switching over to TV Guide channel. It can't be any worse.
5:58 - Oh, turns out it CAN be worse. The sound can not line up with the audio. *Rolls eyes*
6:03 - I'm seeing a lot of jewel colors and they look nice on the carpet.
6:05 - Sandra Oh does look like an Emmy statue in her strapless gold. They're calling the shoes red, but they look pink on my TV. Maybe my color needs an adjustment.
6:07 - So far the men - Rob Lowe, Jon Hamm, Stephen Moyer from True Blood - are wowing me more than the women. I'm seeing a lot of strapless gowns with long flowy chiffon skirts. It's like prom out there.
6:14 - Julianna just asked Andy Samburg how his box is tonight. Like his Dick-in-a-Box box. The hell? She's the same one that asked Kate Walsh - who is going through a divorce - if she'd like to have kids one day. Why is she not fired?
6:16 - Jon Stewart's wife is wearing a loose side braid. It's a risky hair move, but I kind of like its originality.
6:18 - Finally, here's Kyra Sedgewick. Why did she not walk the carpet with Kevin? Wish E would SHOW HER DRESS. The shoulders of it appear lovely.
6:19 - Kara DioGardi seems to be wearing her grandmother's caftan over the top of her sparkly dress.
6:25 - More bright colors from Tracy Pollan, Dana Delaney, Christina Applegate, Sara Silverman. (Is she here with Jimmy Fallon? As a date?) Sara looks like she's wearing one of those Martha Washington hip extenders that you can rest your elbows on.
6:32 - E's camera pans up Mark Wahlburg but fails to show us any dresses. Who's running this bitch?
6:36 - Blake Lively is wearing a braid too. And not much else. That's a deep v-neck. And I high slit. And backless! She's got the body for it. I like her with her hair down though.
6:39 - Leighton Meester looks pretty glam from the neck up. Her dress looks kind of like those t-shirt that are ripped into strips & then tied into knots.
6:41 - Jon Cryer has dressed as a shout-out to Sgt. Pepper. Hayden Penettiere looks so put-together and beautiful. Ryan is asking her if she & her Heroes on-screen college roommate might make out. Oy.
6:43 - Julia Louis Dryfess looks beautiful in a deep blue dress. I love how she wears color. She always looks great at these things.
6:45 - the hair trend for women is some really pretty updo's - Hayden Penettiere, Kyra Sedgewick, Tina Fey, Heidi Klum, Leighton Meester, Drew Barrymore. Not as messy as in day's past, but not slicked-back ballerina buns either.
6:48 - JT's hair is really dark! But I like the length and the controlled curl. It's a really good look for him! Patricia Arquette's boobs look like they're about to make a run for it.
6:52 - Just realized that Blake Lively totally has the Fergilicious-thing going on.
6:56 - Tiny Fey looks good in black, but I wish, with her coloring, she would try wearing COLOR. Take a note from Julia Louis Dreyfes.
6:57 - Kristen Chenowith looks adorable! She's wearing short. I think Christina Applegate wins the red carpet for me tonight.

"I do believe that a higher power watches over me."

I recently had a conversation with someone in which I cited several examples of what I consider "proof" of God in my life.

Like when I'm driving home from work, and I get stuck behind two cars driving side-by-side 10 miles under the speed limit. For miles. And when one of them finally turns off and I can break free, I come upon a brand new car accident. One that I might have been in the middle of had I not lost several minutes behind the slowpokes.

And my friend said, "Yeah I don't really buy into that theory. That would mean that God doesn't love the people who were in the car wreck."

*blink, blink*

I had never even considered that possibility, and I had no response to her words.

Because I don't think that God loves me more than the person who gets into a car accident. Hers is faulty logic. Just because someone gets into a car accident doesn't mean God doesn't love them. It may not even be God's will for that person to wreck.

People had a hard time understanding why God would save DJ AM from a fiery plane crash, only to let him die of a drug overdose shortly thereafter. Didn't God have a plan for him? Isn't that why he survived? But I don't think it's ever God's will for us to die from our addictions. Sometimes He has other plans for us, but we let our demons get in the way.

So someone making a bad choice to text while driving or speed in the rain does not equal God not loving them and wanting them to die.

I do believe that a higher power (I choose to call it "God") watches over me. I engaged in too much risky behavior when I was drinking not to believe that something or someone has been watching out for me.

I trust that God is watching over E when I'm not there. I have to. Otherwise I'd go completely mad. I have to believe in something so that I can let go of my fear that a disaster will befall him. I don't believe God loves E more than any of His other children but I have to have faith in something.

Do you believe something or someone watches over you? How then do you justify the tragic cards that life deals some people?

"When we're teenagers, we feel like we'll live forever."

Tuesday in Memphis, an ECS student was killed and two others were critically injured in a fatal three-vehicle car accident.

ECS is a private school just a few miles from my house. I do not know the kids or their families personally, but you don't really have to know them to feel their pain. The girl who died was just a freshman. Her death has shocked and saddened the entire community.

A facebook page started for her Tuesday night has 6,500 members today.

My son and his friends have also been affected by this tragedy. Many of them have posted facebook statuses "Pray for the ECS families." "That wreck today changes the way I think about some things." "Appreciate life."

Elijah said, "Imagine sitting next to someone in class and then..." Yes, and then they're just gone. It's a hard concept for a teenager to fathom.

When we're teenagers, we feel like we'll live forever. It's why we start smoking and engage in risky behavior like texting while driving. Suddenly, your world view is shaken by the stark truth that what you've always believed isn't as sure as you once thought.

The question for me - and the parents of the 6,500 Memphis teens who did not die tragically on Tuesday - is: Will our children learn something from this?

I once sat in an AA meeting where a very wise woman named Sherry said, "The smartest person in the room is the one who can learn from other people's mistakes." She's right of course, but it completely goes against our human nature. No one ever loses weight because someone they love gets diabetes. Or quits drinking because a friend gets a DUI. Or starts exercising because their old college roomate has a heart attack.

But will a teen driver make safer choices because another teenager dies in a car?

Maybe. If he's the smartest teen in the room.

"It was shocking. Truly shocking."

I'm trying to remember what it was about [the original] 90210 that made it ground breaking for its time. Was it the first real teenage prime-time drama series? Before that, networks were hesitant to set a show during high school, since it couldn't last more than four years.

I wasn't an avid viewer, but it was kind of a guilty pleasure. I've since seen all the episodes - many of them multiple times - on FX and Soap Network reruns. I have not watched any of the new 90210 series, which I understand is now in its second season. When I say "90210," I am always referring to [the original] 90210. If I mean the new one, I will say "the new 90210."

In its day, 90210 was actually pretty controversial. When Brenda Walsh decided at the Spring Dance to give her boyfriend, the brooding Dylan Walsh, her virginity, it caused quite the uproar. Was it prudent for a television network to allow a storyline of teenagers having S-E-X?? Even if it is Fox Network, home of that immoral Simpsons show? It was shocking. Truly shocking. Like, people were SHOCKED.

The storylines for the new 90210, I understand, have included, in just one short season: teen pregnancy (of a main character), drug addiction ([the original] at least waited until college for that), a hit-and-run murder, sexting, a sex tape and a teenager dating a married man.

Now far be it from me to sound the hell-in-a-handbasket siren, but WHAT THE FUCK?? Has society really changed that much in just eight short years? Has Britney and Paris and Lindsey and The OC and reality television taken us this far down the tubes?

The thing I wonder is, does this base portrayal of teens on television accurately represent the teens of today? Because when Brenda & Dylan went all the way, I'm pretty sure teenagers were, in fact, having sex. But to my knowledge, none of the kids in Elijah's group of friends, or even in his high school, have made a sex tape or been the other person in an extramarital affair. I don't think E's friends are necessarily any more bright or moral than the next kid, but I think they do have enough sense not to pattern their lives after Paris Hilton.

What say you? Lowest common denominator TV: pure entertainment or dangerously bad influence?

"All you see are celebrities who are thin and models who are thinner."

Man, TV sucks in the summertime. If I owned a network, I would totally run new series in the summertime. People would tune in just to avoid watching reruns. That's how the original 90210 gained a following.

This summer, the Lifetime channel aired its original series Drop Dead Diva. It's not a ground-breaking premise - skinny blond model (Deb) dies and gets sent back to earth in the body of a plus-sized lawyer (Jane) - but the show somehow manages to not be cliche. The girl who plays Jane does a great job as a skinny girl in a fat girl's body. She has Deb's soul but Jane's brain, which means she has Deb's memories and personality but Jane's knowledge. And she's just so damn likable.

The show's not perfect. Deb's BFF Stacy - and the only one who knows the truth - is a ditzy and vapid stereotype. But Margaret Cho is pretty hilarious as Jane's assistant. And bonus! Fred the guardian angel looks just like Scott Baio.

The show naturally takes on such issues as body image and living one's life to the fullest. Jane argues cases that allow her to say things like, "No one can tell you how to live your life." and "Being fat does not make us less of a person" and "I'm going to make the most of my life this time." Which I know sounds rather trite the way I've written it here, but, in the context of a dramatic closing argument, actually comes across as a genuine reminder of truisms that women need to hear.

A year or so ago I was shopping in Macy's on a Saturday, and they were having a big fashion show emceed by none other than Clinton Kelly. (Which, seriously. If you had to click on that link to see who Clinton Kelly is, YOU ARE MISSING OUT.) After the show he took some audience questions and eventually someone asked a question related to being "too fat" to wear something.

And Clinton said (paraphrasing here), "My job is to make women feel better about themselves through clothes and accessories. It may not be much, but it's what I've got. And everywhere I go, I meet women with really warped body images. And the media is mostly to blame for this. I know - I work in the media. All you see are celebrities who are thin and models who are thinner. But I want to tell you: THOSE WOMEN ARE NOT REAL. I worked in the fashion magazine industry for years; I know what they do to those photos.

"You see a gorgeous 17 year old in a shampoo ad, and she's got long beautiful hair, bright blue eyes, skin with no pores, a perky little nose, shiny white teeth, high perfect boobs, and legs that start at her boobs and go on forever. But guess what? THE HAIR IS EXTENSIONS, THE EYES ARE CONTACTS, THE SKIN IS AIRBRUSHED, THE NOSE WAS PAID FOR, THE CHICKLET TEETH ARE VENEERS, THE BOOBS ARE SILICONE OR SALINE AND THE LEGS ARE A FREAK OF NATURE. She is no more real than that chair right there, so quit comparing yourself to her!"

Naturally the crowd (of women) burst into applause. Because we know this. We do. But sometimes we need to hear Clinton Kelly say it.

And sometimes we need to hear it every Sunday night at 8 p.m. Central time.

Note: I don't know all the new laws for bloggers, but I do know that no one asked me or paid me to write this post.

"It's like they don't even exist on the interwebs."

Finding people that you sort of remember passing in the halls at high school is great and all, but everyone knows that one of the main benefits to getting on facebook is to cyberstalk your exes. Duh.

Of course, it doesn't mean anything. You don't do it because you're still hung up on them or you want to see them again or you want to get back together. You do it out of morbid curiosity. Is the girl he married prettier than you? Are their kids cute? Where did he settle down? What kind of job does he have? Did he end up exactly the loser you predicted when you two broke up, or did he actually make something of his life?

I have not had any success cyberstalking my exes. Not just very little success, but none. Zip. Zero. It's like they don't even exist on the interwebs.

My first boyfriend (1982) committed suicide in jail, so I kind of knew he wouldn't be on facebook.

My second boyfriend (1983) is an interesting story, one that we have to start back in the 80s for. He grew up at the end of a secluded gravel road in a rather...rural area of my hometown. His family couldn't even get cable TV because the company refused to lay cable all the way down that road for just one house. I lost touch with him after graduation, but five years ago, on the event of my 20th reunion, I was talking to a friend of his. He told me that BF2, his wife and their multiple children lived in a converted barn on his family property there in town. "Really?" I asked. "Do you have his email?" Friend snorted a laugh. "I don't think he even has a phone," he said.

Recently I was on a "Where Are They Now" facebook discussion board on my alumni group page and his name came up. Someone posted that they'd run into him at the grocery store in our hometown. But she said that he was living in another state. So I don't really understand the disconnect there. She posted his email address, so I guess he's at least making an effort to get on the superhighway, but emails are the antithesis to cyberstalking. I don't want to TALK to you. I just want to peek into your life.

My next boyfriend (1985) is probably in jail. I don't know that for a fact, but I'd be willing to lay money on it. When I dated him, he was a 19-year-old high school sophomore who wouldn't drop out because then he might have to get a job. I did hear some years later that he got arrested for stealing a beer delivery truck. I'm pretty sure he had every intention of drinking it.

The next boyfriend (1986) lives in a trailer in Mississippi. As long as I've known him, he's never once paid his rent on time since his priority on pay day was to stock up on weed and beer, so it's a pretty safe assumption that he doesn't have a computer.

The next boyfriend (1988) is mysteriously AWOL from the internet, even though he works at a computer every day in his necktie-wearing job in finance. We caught up via email several years ago and shared photos of our young children (one each) but I have no idea what he's up to today, whether he ever had more children, how that high-powered career is going.

My next boyfriend (1990) actually is on facebook. Married, no children. He's aging into one of those dull old men whose life revolves around golf and college sports. Nothing to see here. NEXT.

My next two boyfriends (1991-92) were both musicians. They have facebook fan pages but not personal profiles, so there's no good peek into their real lives.

And that brings me up to Big Daddy. Who is also not on facebook, so ex-girlfriends? You needn't bother.

Edited to add: Comments, as always, are welcome, but if you know me In Real Life, let's try to protect the not-so-innocent and not use last names. Thanks! -k.

"What the hell was I thinking???"

Oh hai.

I did not forget about you. I'd like to tell you that I've been burdened down by deadlines and my writing of the great American novel (or at least the next great chick lit) but that would be a lie, as I have not been writing at all.

I have instead been suffering back pain. Nothing crippling. Just some tightness, and soreness, and mild pain. All signs that something completely debilitating is on the horizon. So what I've been doing all week is coming home from work, loading up on advil, laying in bed, watching TV a little and whining a lot. It's what I do. It's my schtick.

Today, knowing that a full-blown back spasm was in my near future, I thought I'd pop in to the minor med clinic after work to get a toradol shot. That's my em-oh. Because I'm too lazy to make an appointment and go to my primary care physician. Hell, I don't even know where my PCP's office is.

I KNOW!!! What the hell was I thinking??? Of course the waiting room is SRO with swine flu patients. I sat with them for nearly three hours, reading David Sedaris and telling myself "Do not touch your face. DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE. DON'T DO IT. DO NOT. DO IT." Lest you begin to dream about an old woman sitting on a porch in the middle of a corn field.

They called back patients at a rate of two per hour. If you had flu-like symptoms, they put a mask on you and sent you back out to wait some more. This is a process that makes no sense to me and makes me very nervous for the collective health of our country.

When I finally got called back to triage the nurse was all, "Do you have high blood pressure?" which I do not, and in fact the medicine I take for migranes lowers my blood pressure. So she took it again and was all, "Your blood pressure is high." Really? You don't suppose spending three hours out there in that sputum factory has anything to do with it, do you?

Finally I was put into an exam room and before I even sat down I went straight to the sink to wash my hands. Only guess what? NO SOAP. They did have some hand sanitizer by the door, so I used that. So now my hands would be coated with dead swine flu viruses which is still pretty gross but at least its nonvirulent. (That means it can't cause disease.)

I got a shot in my ass and got home just in time to watch Project Runway. And hopefully I didn't come out with anything I didn't go in with.

GO TIGERS

Beat Ole Miss.

"And he drives off"

Well, I've been afraid of changing

'Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
I'm getting older too

--Stevie Nicks, "Landslide"

There are certain milestones that a mom never forgets: when she leaves her baby for the first time...the day her child starts kindergarten...his first school dance...the first day of high school...

Days that represent that your child is growing up. And growing away from you.

He gets on a school bus and goes off to big school. He has a girlfriend and wants you to drop him at the movie theater to meet her. He gets a learner's permit and starts to drive.

And then he gets his driver's license.


And he drives off


Away from you


And you get the sneaking suspicion that you won't be seeing him again for a long, long time.


But you'll never forget today.

"That's just crazy talk."

You know what I don't understand at all? Camping. Seriously, who thought sleeping outside ON THE GROUND was a good idea?

You know what's outside? BUGS. Also bears. And mountain lions. Wolves. And Coyotes. Foxes. Raccoons. Possums. Uggh. They're like giant RATS. You know which of the above I want sleeping with me? Right: none of them.

You know what tastes good cooked over an open fire? Marshmallows. And that's it. Not hot dogs. Not fish that you caught in the river. Not eggs. Just marshmallows. And last I checked, marshmallows do not constitute a balanced meal. You know what marshmallows are made out of? Corn starch. Also gelatin and sugar. I'm not eating that for breakfast.

You know what else sucks about camping? Rain. Did you know that whatever is touching the sides of a tent when it rains gets wet, even though it is technically "inside"? Ask me how old I was when I learned that. Like, 7. Which is probably also the last time I went camping.

My parents took us camping once or twice. I have no idea why. What were they trying to prove? That we could go three days without showering? The three of us kids slept in the tent. It was green, with a floor that looked like crumpled-up aluminum foil and crunched when you walked on it. My parents slept in the back of the family station wagon. It was also green. I don't think even with the back seat down my parents would've fit without leaving the tailgate down. Where were we camping that it was safe to sleep like that?

Who sleeps anywhere that's not behind a locked door?? That's just crazy talk. What about the crazed hospital escapees roaming the woods? What about the murderers and rapists? What about the bears?

You know what was cool about camping? One single thing: those little boxes of cereal that you opened on the side, poured milk into and ate out of the box. It was the only time we ever got to eat sugar-coated cereal. And the only time we got to eat cereal by pouring milk directly into the box.

I seem to remember that we used to camp someplace that had a communal swimming pool. Which I guess is convenient for people who AREN'T TAKING SHOWERS.

But who camps somewhere that there's a swimming pool?? You know where else they have swimming pools? HOTELS.

"Sometimes pain feels so pointless."

I hate to see people I love suffering. It really sucks. You feel so impotent. All you can do is BE SUPPORTIVE but what does that mean exactly? You try to say the right thing, but it never helps.

One friend is having a hard time in her marriage. She's married to an artist, and he occasionally brings in some decent money when he sells a piece. But that's few & far between. Mostly, as far as I can tell, he lounges around and lives off her hard-earned salary. She threatens to leave; he shrugs.

I try to share strategies with her that I've learned in my marriage but all I've got is ways to get along, how to avoid arguments, how to constructively make improvements. I don't think any of these things are all that helpful to her.

I feel bad for her because she's totally at the end of her rope, but she refuses to follow up on her threat to leave him (or kick his lousy ass out) because they have kids. She doesn't want her kids to be from a divorced home.

Another friend is married to an active alcoholic. He's not convinced he has a problem because he so valiantly goes to work every day. Every time I see her she looks completely beaten down.*

I try to share my own alcoholism experience: what the user might be thinking or feeling, how 12-step programs can help the rest of the family, how she can't make him get sober but can only change how she deals with him. But none of it is really making her feel any better.

She tried to leave once, but her pre-teen kids took Dad's side and guilt-tripped her into going back.

The thing about marriage is, I believe you can survive anything, as long as both parties are willing to work on it. If you're married to someone who's completely apathetic, I don't know how you make a go of that.

Not that that makes divorce any kind of solution.

Enter my divorced friend, trying to conduct a long-distance relationship with her young daughter. It's completely ripping her heart of out her chest, throwing it on the floor, and stomping on it.

I don't even know what I can say to her that makes taking her child back to Dad at the end of the summer any less agonizing.

It's depressing to watch people you love suffering. You want to believe God has a plan for everyone but sometimes pain feels so pointless.





* in the emotional sense. She's not a battered wife.