Thursday - Giada's Salmon

Thursday.

Things got off to a late start tonight due to storms and tornadoes in the Memphis area that hit right at rush hour. And I believe it is a law that you have to sit and watch Dave Brown's non-stop weather coverage when there are storms. As a matter of fact, he's still on.

And since I was grilling salmon for tonight's meal, I had to wait at least until the tornadoes passed so that I could open up the garage. (That's where I grill.)

Tonight's menu was courtesy of Giada, she of the famous cleavage: Salmon with Lemon, Capers and Rosemary, brown rice, English peas and for dessert, Watermelon & Cantaloupe Salad with Mint Vinaigrette. Salmon is a favorite of Elijah's, has been for years.

Salmon with Lemon, Capers & Rosemary

INGREDIENTS

• 4 (6-ounce) salmon fillets
• 1/4 cup extra-virgin olive oil
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 1/2 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
• 1 tablespoon minced fresh rosemary leaves
• 8 lemon slices (about 2 lemons)
• 1/4 cup lemon juice (about 1 lemon)
• 1/2 cup Marsala wine (or white wine)
• 4 teaspoons capers
• 4 pieces of aluminum foil

DIRECTIONS

Brush top and bottom of salmon fillets with olive oil and season with salt, pepper, and rosemary. Place each piece of seasoned salmon on a piece of foil large enough to fold over and seal. Top the each piece of salmon with 2 lemon slices, 1 tablespoon of lemon juice, 2 tablespoons of wine (I used 1 tablespoon because of the vinegar comment earlier in the week), and 1 teaspoon of capers. Wrap up salmon tightly in the foil packets.

Place a grill pan over medium-high heat or preheat a gas or charcoal grill. Place the foil packets on the hot grill and cook for 10 minutes for a 1-inch thick piece of salmon. Serve in the foil packets.

Fuck-up Factor: Very low. I am pleased to report I did not fuck up this recipe at all.
Messy Kitchen Factor: Low. (No pan, even.)

The salmon was fine, nothing special. It tasted good. It didn't knock my socks off. But then salmon isn't my favorite. Salmon would have to come with a Gucci handbag to knock my socks off.

Watermelon & Cantaloupe Salad with Mint Vinaigrette

INGREDIENTS

• 1 bunch fresh mint, chopped
• 1/4 cup lemon juice, from about 1 lemon
• 1/4 cup simple syrup, recipe follows
• 1/8 teaspoon amaretto (omitted)
  
• 2 cups watermelon balls, from about half a watermelon
• 2 cups cantaloupe balls, from about 1 cantaloupe

DIRECTIONS

In a blender, combine mint, lemon juice, simple syrup, and amaretto. Blend until smooth.

In a large bowl, combine the watermelon and the cantaloupe. Add the vinaigrette and toss. Transfer to a serving bowl and serve.

Simple Syrup:

• 1/2 cup water
• 1 cup sugar

In a saucepan, combine water and sugar over medium heat. Bring to a boil, then reduce heat and simmer for 5 minutes, until the sugar has dissolved. Take pan off heat and cool the syrup. Any extra cooled syrup can be saved in an airtight container in the refrigerator.

I thought this would make a wonderful summertime dessert. My family was all, "What'd you put the mint on it for?" Haters.

I prepared the mint vinaigrette first, while watching storm coverage on TV and waiting for it to be safe to go outside and grill the salmon. I pulled out the fresh mint that I had bought at the store, but then I didn't know if I should chop it up stems and all or if I was supposed to pull the leaves off and just chop them. Luckily, I have a professional foodie that I can text to answer these questions for me. (The answer was "pull the stems off. They don't taste that good.")

FYI, I took some stalks of mint and stuffed them in a bottle with the leftover simple syrup. I will use it later to make sweet tea. And it will be sooooo goooood.

I give tonight's dinner an A. Everything was good. Everything was right. And I thought the mint syrup fruit was yummy.

I know I said that I was going to cook at home every night this week, but tonight was actually my last night. I leave tomorrow for Nashville for the weekend. So today is my Friday basically.

Those of you following along at home are probably wondering if I will continue to cook at home. No. I won't.

I probably would have if my family had been the least bit appreciative of my efforts, but they didn't really seem to care either way. I would have to ask them, "Is it good?" "Do you like it?" Never once did anyone make an effort to set the table. Or to clear it. Or to wash the dishes. Or to empty the dishwasher. Every night Elijah was instructed to empty the dishwasher before I came home from work the next day. Not once was it done.

They probably don't really want me to keep cooking. The food maybe hasn't been all that good. I can admit it. Four days later, I've kinda forgotten why I was doing this. To prove something? To save money? IDK. It was fun. But on to the next thing now. Whatever that may be.

Wednesday: Beale Street Burgers

Wednesday.

Today's recipe is courtesy of my favorite Food Network chefs: The Neelys! It's something I feel quite confident my boys will like: Memphis Beale Street Burgers! Although I confess, I cut back on a few of the ingredients, mostly because I just didn't think my family would like them included. Except the bacon. They would've liked the bacon, it just was too much trouble to cook. I left it out under the guise of making the burgers a little healthier.

Burgers were served with fresh corn on the cob. I cooked the burgers on the outside grill but boiled the corn.

Memphis Beale Street Burgers

INGREDIENTS

• 2 1/2 pounds ground beef
• 1 small shallot, finely chopped (omitted)
  
• 2 clove garlic, finely chopped (I used the minced jar kind)
  
• 1 teaspoon Neely's Dry Rub seasoning
• 1 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce (which I did not have, so I sent Chip up to Walgreen's to buy.) (Which they didn't have.) (So we cooked them without it.) (He did, however, buy me a big box of Whoppers malted milk balls. WTF?)
  
• 2 teaspoons salt
• Freshly ground black pepper
• 6 brioche buns (IDK what that means. I just bought some from the bakery section that looked good.)
  
• 6 slices pepper jack cheese (also provolone for those of us who are timid.)
  
• 12 slices smoked apple wood bacon, fried crisp (omitted)
• 1/2 cup Neely's "Secret Sauce", recipe follows
• 1 pint cole slaw (recommended: Neely's Cole Slaw) (omitted)
  
• 2 beef steak tomatoes, sliced (omitted)
  

DIRECTIONS

Preheat your grill to medium-high heat.

In a large mixing bowl, break up the meat with your hands. Add the chopped shallot, garlic, Neely's Dry Rub, Worcestershire sauce, and salt and pepper, to taste. Mix with a wooden spoon until thoroughly incorporated. Using your hands, divide the meat into 6 equal balls. Flatten them into patties and use your thumb to create an indent in the center of each burger. Cook's Note: This indent will help the burgers from puffing up while you grill them.

Grill the burgers, uncovered, for 3 minutes on the first side. Flip and continue cooking for another 3 minutes for medium-rare, and 4 minutes for medium. Remove from grill and immediately top with the cheese.

Build your burgers by topping with the bacon, Secret Sauce, coleslaw, and tomatoes.

Neely's Secret Sauce: (I cut this recipe in half.)

• 1/3 cup sour cream
• 2 tablespoons mayonnaise
• 2 tablespoons buttermilk
• 2 tablespoons BBQ sauce (recommended: Neely's BBQ sauce)
• 1/2 lemon, juiced
• 1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper
• Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper

Mix all the ingredients together in a medium bowl. Cover with plastic wrap and refrigerate until serving, allowing the flavors to develop.

Fuck-up Factor: Low, if you don't count the fact that I didn't have all my ingredients.
Messy Kitchen Factor: Low, since they cooked outside on the gas grill.

For dessert, I made chocolate sauce and drizzled it over fresh strawberries. I've heard for a long time now about mixing hot pepper and chocolate. In my mind, it's a very sophisticated, trendy flavor. Which means the boys will probably hate it.

Chocolate Sauce

INGREDIENTS

• A wide variety of seasonal fruits will work well in this dish.
• 1/2 cup store bought chocolate sauce
• 1/2 pinch cayenne pepper
• 1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon

DIRECTIONS

Warm the sauce in a microwave-safe bowl for 12 seconds. Add the cayenne and cinnamon and stir well.

Drizzle over fresh fruit.

Without all the extras, the burgers actually ended up a little plain. I think next time I will at least add the coleslaw. The flavor was good though. Chip ate two. Elijah didn't eat any. He ate at Taco Bell with his friends.

The dessert was good. I used Hershey's syrup because I had some in the refrigerator. (Of course I did! No Worcestershire sauce, but there's Hershey's!) I would recommend using a thicker chocolate sauce since once it's heated it gets really thin and kind of watery.

Overall, I give this dinner B+. It didn't score an A because it lacked pizazz.

Yesterday a reader asked if I was enjoying the process of the cooking - the mixing and chopping. And I am. I enjoy the time alone in the kitchen when I come home. But to be honest with you, I don't really chop anything. I buy a lot of stuff cleaned & chopped already.

Another reader asked where I was when our mother taught her how to cook. My response to that is I DON'T KNOW. Practicing the piano, I guess.

Tuesday: Golden Baked Pork Cutlets

Tuesday.

Elijah has a basketball game tonight at 8, so I wanted to get home and cook dinner early enough for him to eat & digest it before the game. This is a huge improvement over our normal procedure, which is to pick up a deli sandwich on the way to the game.

Tonight's meal was Golden baked pork cutlets, brown rice, broccoli and frozen yogurt (Yoplait Whips, Strawberry). The recipe is kind of like that old Shake-n-Bake your mom used to use, only you make it at home with just a few wholesome ingredients.

Golden Baked Pork Cutlets

INGREDIENTS

• 1 pound pork tenderloin, trimmed
• 1/2 cup dry breadcrumbs, preferably whole-wheat (I used panko)
  
• 1 teaspoon sugar
• 1/2 teaspoon paprika
• 1/2 teaspoon onion powder
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 4 teaspoons canola oil
• 1 large egg white, lightly beaten
• 4 teaspoons cornstarch

DIRECTIONS

Preheat oven to 400°F. Coat a rimmed baking sheet with cooking spray.

Holding a chef’s knife at a 45° angle and perpendicular to the tenderloin, slice the pork into 4 long, thin “fillets” (see photo).

Mix breadcrumbs, sugar, paprika, onion powder and salt in a shallow dish. Drizzle with oil and mash with a fork until the oil is thoroughly incorporated. Lightly beat egg white with a fork in another shallow dish. Sprinkle cornstarch over the pork slices and pat to coat evenly on both sides. Dip the pork into the egg, then press into the breading mixture until evenly coated on both sides. (Discard leftover mixture.)

Place the pork on the prepared baking sheet. Bake until just barely pink in the center and an instant-read thermometer registers 145°F, 14 to 16 minutes.

My pork tenderloin was tube-shaped. I don't know if they all come that way or what. So I cut it into two equal (but shorter) tube-shaped halves, then I cut one half into three long, skinny cutlets. The other half I froze for another night, because my family doesn't really "do" leftovers. The whole dinner took me about 30 minutes to prepare.

Fuck-up Factor: Very High, apparently. From the taste of the finished product, I used the wrong measuring spoon for the onion powder because it was way, way onion powder-y. Everyone ate about half of theirs. Nice of them to choke down that much.
Messy Kitchen Factor: Low

So I'll try this one again with the proper amount of all the ingredients, and also with some applesauce on the side. I just can't eat pork without applesauce, ya'll. I blame Peter Brady.

I give today's effort a C. It probably would've been an A if my mama'd taught me what all those little spoons are for.

Monday: Chicken Piccata

Monday.

It didn't start out the best. I went to the grocery on the way home from work. When I walked into the house, Elijah had made himself a grilled cheese sandwich. And he used my small frying pan (instead of the electric skillet, as I've taught him). He turned off the burner on the electric stove, but left the skillet ON the burner with a PLASTIC spatula sitting in it. And you and I both know what happened but apparently the boy who aces every science class he's ever taken - and has made hundreds of grilled cheese sandwiches over the years - had NO IDEA that the plastic spatula would melt into (and ruin) my pan.

Oh yeah, I feel like cooking dinner now.

The menu for this evening was Chicken Piccata with mushrooms, angel hair pasta, green beans, and peach cobbler. (I decided, on top of everything else, to include some fresh fruit desserts in my week-long meal plan.)

CHICKEN PICCATA
(with my edits)

INGREDIENTS

• 6 ounces whole-wheat angel hair pasta
• 1/3 cup all-purpose flour, divided
• 2 cups reduced-sodium chicken broth
• 1/2 teaspoon salt, divided
• 1/4 teaspoon freshly ground pepper
• 4 chicken cutlets (3/4-1 pound total), trimmed
• 3 teaspoons extra-virgin olive oil, divided
• 1 1/2 a 10-ounce package mushrooms, sliced
• 3 large cloves garlic, minced (1 1/2 tsp. of the minced jar kind)
  
• 1/2 cup white wine
• 2 tablespoons lemon juice
• 1/4 cup chopped fresh parsley (omitted)
  
• 2 tablespoons capers, rinsed
• 2 teaspoons butter

DIRECTIONS

Bring a large pot of water to a boil. Add pasta and cook until just tender, 4 to 6 minutes or according to package directions. Drain and rinse.

Meanwhile, whisk 5 teaspoons flour and broth in a small bowl until smooth. Place the remaining flour in a shallow dish. Season chicken with 1/4 teaspoon salt and pepper and dredge both sides in the flour. Heat 2 teaspoons oil in a large nonstick skillet over medium heat. Add the chicken and cook until browned and no longer pink in the middle, 2 to 3 minutes per side. Transfer to a plate; keep warm.

Heat the remaining 1 teaspoon oil in the pan over medium-high heat. Add mushrooms and cook, stirring, until they release their juices and begin to brown, about 5 minutes. Transfer to a plate. Add garlic and wine to the pan and cook until reduced by half, 1 to 2 minutes. Stir in the reserved broth-flour mixture, lemon juice and the remaining 1/4 teaspoon salt. Bring to a simmer and cook, stirring, until the sauce is thickened, about 5 minutes.

Stir in parsley, capers, butter and the reserved mushrooms. Measure out 1/2 cup of the mushroom sauce. Toss the pasta in the pan with the remaining sauce. Serve the pasta topped with the chicken and the reserved sauce.

Fuck-up Factor (chances that I will): Low
Messy Kitchen Factor: High

I made too much pasta. But other than that, there wasn't really a way to mess this up if you followed the recipe. I thought it was really tasty. Chip said the capers were "a nice touch." But he also asked me if there was vinegar in the sauce, and I didn't take that as a compliment. Elijah ate the chicken and very little pasta. Chip ate the chicken and two servings of pasta.

The peach cobbler is considerably easier: Just three ingredients!

PEACH COBBLER

INGREDIENTS

• 1 pouch oatmeal cookie mix
• 1/2 cup cold butter
• 5 cups frozen sliced peaches, thawed and drained.

DIRECTIONS

Heat oven to 375. Place cookie mix in a large bowl. Cut in butter with pastry blender or a fork until mixture looks like coarse crumbs.

Place peaches in ungreased glass baking dish. Sprinkle cookie mixture over peaches.

Bake 25-30 minutes or until topping is golden brown. Serve warm or cool.

I had a small-ish bag of frozen peaches, so I cut the rest of the recipe in half. Besides, I'm not even sure my boys like peaches, so I didn't want a huge batch of this. The recipe said you can use canned peaches, but I loved that the frozen peaches stay so firm and fresh after cooking. I served it with a scoop of vanilla frozen yogurt. It was yummy! I was right about Elijah though - he doesn't like peaches. He just ate the crumble topping.

I cooked the cobbler ahead of time. Once it was cooling on the counter, I started the chicken. The chicken took me about an hour, start to finish, but I imagine a more experienced cook could work much more quickly.

I give today's effort a B+. I would give it an A- if I'd gotten a better response from the family. Although in their defense they were probably in shock.

"We're going to try something different"

Okay viewers and fans and people watching at home. We're going to try something a little different this week: it's called COOKING AT HOME.

(My boys are gonna be all, "Wait...what? That thing cooks stuff besides frozen pizza?? NO WAY!")

A few weeks ago, Big Daddy told me that we could join a club if I would cook dinner at home every night for a month. And I told him I would. Then I realized that the girl who sits next to me at work lives in an apartment that duh, HAS A POOL, and that idea very quickly was brushed to the wayside.

But I did promise Big Daddy when I changed jobs that I would try to help cut some household expenses. I bought an expresso machine and began making my lattes at home, so my Starbucks bill was cut down to practically nothing. And I was supposed to bring my lunch to work, but that hasn't exactly panned out either. So I was feeling a little obligated to help the family save money.

Not to mention the fact that HELLO?? I work for professional foodies. How embarrassing that I NEVER. COOK. Right?

So this week I have a mission. I have collected five fairly easy, fairly healthy recipes and I've created a grocery list. I plan to post a recipe here each day and report back to you how each of them went.

Here is the menu:

Salmon with lemon, capers and rosemary
Golden baked pork cutlets
Chicken Piccata
Memphis Beale Street Burgers
Linguine and clams

God's plans were bigger than mine.

For those of you who don't know, I spent my formative years (age 11 to age 19) in Long Beach, Mississippi, a small town just west of Gulfport/ Biloxi on the Coast. I don't have any family there any more and hardly ever get back since we found a route to Destin that precludes that section of the state. I went back in 2004 for my 20th class reunion, and that was a lot of fun. The next summer, Katrina wiped out my hometown. For the longest time, if you went to the Katrina page on Wikipedia, it showed a photo of my hometown above the fold.

Sadly, although my hometown was decimated, New Orleans - which treated its citizen deplorably, but truthfully was only moderately damaged - received all of the news coverage and attention. And that's all I'm going to say about that.

I'm almost ashamed to say that I have not been back to the Coast since Katrina. I mean, I haven't really had a reason to go back, but just the thought of it pierced me like a sword. Selfish, I know. I had classmates who lost everything, and all I could think was, "I just couldn't bear to see it." Wah wah. Poor me.

So this year, when the Second Annual Long Beach Fest popped up on facebook, I penciled it in on my calendar. And then I find out that some brilliant girl also planned a Mass Class Reunion - for ALL Long Beach High School alumni - that weekend. So say what you will about facebook, but for someone who hasn't lived in her hometown since 1986, I love, love, love getting in touch with all these people again!! There are people who insist they don't want to see people from high school, but I staunchly disagree with that on so many levels.

Level the First: Something I learned at my 20th reunion is that just because you don't want to see people again doesn't mean people don't want to see you. See, Mark Peno did not come to our 20th reunion. Now I don't know what his reasons may have been - maybe he had gained a lot of weight and lost all his hair. Maybe he had no desire to see any of his old classmates. Maybe his wife's sister was getting married in the Bahamas that weekend. Who knows? That's not my point. My point is THIS: I made the cute nametags with our senior portraits on them for our reunion, and I sat at the front table distributing them as people came in. And I can not tell you the number of people who came in, looked over the nametags, laughing at the old photos, and pointed to Mark Peno's name tag and said, "Is Mark coming? I hope he's coming. I'd really like to see him again." So when people say, "I see everyone I care to from high school," I say, "Selfish bastard."

Level the Second: People who think they've kept in touch with everyone they were really friends with in high school are deluding themselves. Because let's face it: when you're 22, you are far more concerned with who's playing at the Hi-Tone this weekend or who scored some good weed and far less concerned with whatever happened to that funny girl you used to sit next to in choir. Would my life have carried on just fine had Debbie Baer never entered back into it? Of course. But it would have been all the more less joyful for it.

Level the Third: And this is something else I learned at my 20th reunion: People change. And the folks that you had absolutely nothing to do with in high school may be the exact people that you have the most in common with today. (And shockingly, it may not be THEM who did all the changing.) Back in 1981, when I was a lowly sophomore with bad hair at LBHS, Wayne Luttrell was a cute, blond, senior on the football team. Do you think I traveled in the same circles as Wayne Luttrell? DO YOU THINK I EVER IN MY LIFE HAD UTTERED ONE WORD TO WAYNE LUTTRELL? Well let me assure you (in case there was any question) I had not. But Wayne is today one of the most outgoing, affable, fun friends I have on facebook. And we can't wait to hang out at LB Fest.

So maybe I didn't get a beach vacation this year. Once again, God's plans were bigger than mine. I'll be back on the coast, in my hometown of Long Beach, Mississippi, on August 7 and 8, as a place I love struggles to lay new roots, and people I love come together to make it happen.

"I had no idea what I was in for."

I knew when I went to work for people who are on TV that I would have to deal with some odd requests and, errr...fanatic fans. I had no idea what I was in for.

Crazy calls and emails that I regularly receive:

Can I send them my recipe for ____________?
So you can sue them for not paying you? I don't think so, honey.

Will they come speak at my kid's school?
How about I give you their agent's number and you can call him & see if he's feeling charitable today.

I'm from Boulder, Colorado. Would they sponsor my charity fund-raising dinner?
WTF?

My son wants to go to cooking school. Will they call him to give him some encouragement?
Sure. And then they'll come speak at his school.

We're coming to eat at their restaurant. Will they be there?
My sources say NO.

Will they come to my house to cook for my wife's birthday?
Well sure. They don't really have anything else to do.

I'm bringing my son's baseball team to Memphis for a tournament. Can we all come eat at the restaurant for free?
Absolutely. Because we never had any intentions of the restaurant being an actual money-making endeavor anyway.

Can I send her a pig?
Why not? EVERYONE ELSE DOES!

I [do hair/ am a make-up artist/ am a stylist] and I'd like to work on the show.
Take a number, sweetheart. They've already got hair/ make up/ stylists.

Can I talk to [him/ her]?
Uhh, no. Especially if you're not willing to tell me who you are and what it's regarding.

I left a message for [him/ her] last week but they never called me back.
I'm so sorry. But keep waiting for that call. In fact, hold your breath.

I bought their cookbook. If I [drop off/ send in] my book to you, will they sign it for me?
This probably seems reasonable to you, but just consider for a second that they've already sold more than FORTY THOUSAND cookbooks.

Where did she get her Piggy canisters?
I have no idea. They were a gift. Really. I don't know. OMG STOP CALLING ME ABOUT THE PIGGY CANISTERS!!!!!

I want to have my own restaurant and TV show one day. Will he mentor me?
But of course. He has this one piece of simple advice for you: "WORK YOUR ASS OFF."

I make wonderful ________. Can I send some to them to try?
Sure. We love eating food made by complete strangers who may or may not be deranged fans. We're daring that way.

I [am a great cook/ have an outgoing personality/ am their biggest fan]. How can I be on the show?
YOU CAN'T.

"Because nothing says *over 40* like a TANKINI."

The saga of the swimsuit. Everyone has one this time of year, don't they? Mine's a little different, though.

See last year I bought a swimsuit that I really liked. A solid orange two-piece, halter top, full coverage on the bottom. I liked it because it reminded me of Halle's Bond Girl suit. (Even though I'm sure it didn't remind anyone who SAW ME in it of Halle's Bond Girl suit.) I totally planned on wearing it again this year.

I admit it - I'm a sun worshiper. Ya'll know my most favorite place in all the world is the beach in Destin, Florida. And I wear sun screen (albeit low SPF), but the simple fact of the matter is: I got my mom's great skin and I LOVE the way my skin looks tanned. It turns THE most gorgeous golden caramel color. Plus, I just find laying in the sun extremely relaxing. I can do it for hours on end (assuming I have a pool or beach to cool off in).

As I've mentioned here before once or fourteen times, we aren't going to the beach this year. And I don't have a pool. Or a club membership. So I have had ZERO days in the sun so far this summer. But I had a plan last weekend. The Germantown Athletic Club (like, 5 minutes from my house) was having an open house! They were going to cook out by the pool and it was open to the public. I'm sure I would've had to take a tour and listen to a sales pitch but so what? I could spend the afternoon at their pool! And frankly, I was kind of interested to find out how much it would cost to join, so I could further harass Chip about signing up.

So Saturday morning I start getting all my stuff together - sunscreen, sun visor, towel, swimsuit...wait. Where's my swimsuit? I couldn't find that mug anywhere. Come to find out CHIP GAVE IT TO GOOD WILL. I'm not kidding. I was so totally pissed at him all weekend, completely with drama-queen wails of "You've ruined my whole weekend!!" and "This was the ONLY chance I'll have all summer to lay out!"

He tried to make it up to me. He said, "Let's go to the mall. You can buy a new suit." I said, "It's not that easy!" Because come on, ladies. We all know it's not.

But today, a former co-worker of mine who is now my new BFF emailed me. We were supposed to have lunch on Friday. And she was all, "I'm not even working on Friday. Instead of lunch do you want to go to the pool?" And I was all "OMG you are my new BFF!" Then I realized, shit, I need a suit.

So I went to the mall. God I hate the mall. But I seriously do not know where you're supposed to buy a swimsuit anymore. Chip was all, "Go up to that tanning salon; they have tons of suits in the window." And I'm all, "They have suits for 20-year-old whores. They do not have suits for 40-year-old ladies."

Why do manufacturers not understand that I want a swim suit that A) does not have metal embellishments on it anywhere, and B) does not have ties on the hips and C) is maybe in a solid color? I found a Lauren suit that was decent but I just didn't like the way it looked on me. I'm about 10 pounds heavier than I need to be and had to admit to myself that I have no business wearing a bikini.

But one-pieces are so HOT. And ugly. And blah.

So I sucked it up and started trying on TANKINIS. I've never worn a tankini and it hadn't even occurred to me to wear one now. Because nothing says *over 40* like a TANKINI. But I was out of options. And it's not great, but I can live with it. And I think the people around me will like it a lot better, too. Like my friend who was kind enough to invite me to her club. I figure the least I can do - and my only hope of ever getting a repeat invitation - is not show up looking like I'm wearing my daughter's swimsuit.