"I recommend this book to: EVERYONE."

I've recently finished three books that I can highly recommend to you.

How cool is it that I got an advanced copy of Jen Lancaster's Pretty in Plaid from my secret publishing connection?* So cool that it could only be surpassed by getting an advanced copy from Jen herself when I hung out with her at a conference! Which I did not. But apparently several people did. Only not me. And I guess I didn't really "hang out" with her so much as blather incessantly in her presence a couple times. She is my author-idol.

Anywho, the queen of the memoir has done it again. I especially loved this one because - duh - it's about CLOTHES and FASHION. Plus, Jen & I are nearly the same age, so our histories are quite similar.

Things I have in common with Pretty in Plaid author Jen Lancaster:

• The TV show Zoom
• Laura Ingalls Wilder braids
• Ballerina Barbie
• Swedish fish
• Dotted-swiss dresses in pastel colors
• The TV show Man from Atlantis (When I mentioned this at work one day, no one had ever even heard of it. They certainly didn't believe me that Patrick Duffy starred in it.)
• The TV movie Summer of My German Soldier starring Kristy McNichol
• Jordache jeans that required you to lay down on the bed to zip them up
• Graduated from small-town high schools: She in 1985, Me in '84.
  
• Paid for own college education
• Which took forever.
• She graduated college in 1996; Me in 1997.
• Hair that tends to frizz and turn into a "giant wedge of pizza" when it's humid out
• She devotes an entire chapter to a pair of designer pumps.
  

I could go on, of course, but what more do I need to say than AN ENTIRE CHAPTER TO A PAIR OF DESIGNER PUMPS?

If you haven't read Jen's previous books, I recommend you do so. Not that you need to read them in preparation for Pretty in Plaid, just that they are, every one of them, too good to miss. Jen's writing is smart and witty and biting. A friend recently emailed me that she'd just finished reading David Sedaris' When You are Engulfed in Flames and wondered if I could recommend a female essayist with a similar biting wit. "Every female writer I come across is so filled with joy and hope," she wrote. I wrote back, "Oh, you MUST read Jen Lancaster!"

Pretty in Plaid is out May 5.

You probably noticed that I really enjoy reading bloggers-turned-authors. So of course I picked up (along with half of America) Heather Armstrong's It Sucked, and Then I Cried when it came out.

I can highly recommend this book to anyone who didn't read about Heather's bout with postpartum depression the first time, on her blog. Because if, like me, you've been reading dooce.com for many years, you won't find much new information or insight here. Her writing in the book is true to her hyperbolic style and humor. It's a style that works well for blog entries and has made her the most-read personal blogger in the world. But I frankly found it a bit tedious in a book. I tend to devour in one weekend essay books like Jen's or David's or Sarah Vowell's. But I found I could only read a chapter or two of It Sucked at a time, before the descriptions of baby screams that "bounce off the walls and melt the hair off our heads" begin to exhaust me. And the problem with page after page of this in a book about postpartum depression is, it's hard to take your descriptions of that dark place you were in seriously when the paragraph before you explained how your baby has "used up all the crying. There was no more crying left in the world." or called her "the most stubborn force in the universe, more powerful than gravity, more toxic than nuclear radiation."

Still, it's a story worth telling and one worth reading if, as I said, you haven't read it already on dooce.com.

I normally don't read "graphic novels" — in fact, I've NEVER read one — but that's not exactly what Lucy Knisley's French Milk is. Lucy is a cartoonist (and a very talented one at that). She spent a month in Paris with her mother, and kept an illustrated journal of her trip. And it is FABULOUS! So charming and cute and interesting!

The descriptions of the food and museums and art and markets and cafes were wonderfully enticing. I desperately want to spend a month in Paris now. Only I want Lucy to follow me around and illustrate it all.

Lucy turns 22 on her trip and grapples a bit with becoming an adult and her future and whether she can make a living as an artist. With French Milk, she has not only proven herself a successful cartoonist, but a published author as well. I hope there are more such illustrated journals to come from Lucy Knisley. I recommend this book to: EVERYONE.






* - No, my secret publishing connection can not get your book published. And he does not want to read your manuscript. He's not in that end of publishing. If he were, I already would have sufficiently stalked him and he probably wouldn't be offering me any more galley copies to read.

"Several things conspired to bring me to this point."

How will I be spending this gorgeous Spring Saturday, you ask?

This doesn't even include the sheets.

Don't let the piles fool you. Yes, the laundry is separated, but by color, not by load. Several of these piles -- specifically, the darks, the towels and that mountain of khakis -- are actually too large to wash in one load, even in my front-loader. My best guess is about 13 extra-large loads total.

Several things conspired to bring me to this point. Number 1, two weekends ago, I had foot surgery and spent four days in bed loopy on demerol. In his defense, Chip tried to wash a couple loads of clothes, but (Number 2) the dryer wasn't drying properly.

Chip called Sears to come out and repair the dryer. They scheduled an appointment later in the week. The repairman determined that our dryer needed FOUR new parts. Which (Number 3) had to be ordered. We were instructed to call the Sears Maintenance number once all the parts were delivered and schedule a follow-up appointment to have the new parts installed.

The parts were (Number 4) delivered on Friday, so the follow up appointment was scheduled for Wednesday of this week. Which made today the first day I could tackle three weeks worth of laundry.

Nope. Doesn't look any more appealing from this angle.

In another news, I bought a cheap Mr. Coffee espresso machine ($35 with my Kroger discount card!) this week. So I should have plenty of caffeine to see me through the process.

Thus ends the most boring housewifey blog post ever. Enjoy your day.

"It was rather Frankenstein-ish."

Do ya'll want to see my foot? I realize that you might not, so I'm giving you the option. I, for one, was very anxious to see it. It's been wrapped and bandaged since the surgery and I was given strict instructions not to touch the bandaging. So when I went back to the doctor today for my post-surgery check-up, I was very anxious to get it unwrapped and check it out. It was rather Frankenstein-ish. No offense to the doctor's sewing abilities.




I didn't take a photo of the ankle side. The stitching there is much smaller. My ankle is still a bit swollen and bruised, too. But the doc told me to go ahead and start putting weight on it at home without the boot. I go back next week to get the stitches out.

Also, the pathology report on the cyst is as follows: Adipose tissue and fibrosis with benign neural proliferation. No evidence of a giant cell tumor is identified. So phew. I guess. I have no idea what that means actually.

"I was totally laughing at him behind my book."

So, I'm at Starbucks this afternoon, sitting in one of the big comfy chairs, drinking my latte and reading, and this mom about my age comes in with a boy around 4. She tries to force him to sit in the big comfy chair opposite me. But he desperately wants to go get a chocolate milk from the self-serve refrigerator. He keeps saying, "I want milk!" and she keeps saying, "Wait. Sit right there. Do not move. Sit."

(First mistake: A better response would have been, "I will get you a milk, but I have to pay for it, so please sit here while I get it.")

Every time she ventures away from the big comfy chair he jumps out of it as soon as her back is turned. Each time, he edges closer to the refrigerator before she yanks him back to the chair. "Wait. You have to wait. Sit. Do not move."

(Second mistake: She talks to him like he's a puppy instead of a little person.)

This goes on for several minutes. Finally, she gets all the way to the cash register without him getting up. Once she's there, ordering her coffee and buying his chocolate milk, he walks over to the fridge, picks up a chocolate milk, walks back to the chair, and sits down. She has no idea he's even gotten up. He proceeds to open the straw, put it into the boxed drink, and begin drinking his milk.

Mom pays for the drinks, gets her coffee from the coffee bar, carries it all over to the drink station. She adds cream and sugar to her coffee, opens her son's milk, turns around, and sees him sitting obediently in the big comfy chair. Drinking a box of chocolate milk. The look on her face says "I CAN NOT BELIEVE you just did that." Then she had to go pay for the second opened drink box of chocolate milk.

I was totally laughing at him behind my book. I couldn't help it. The women handled the situation all wrong and she totally asked for that.

There were several things she could have done differently:
1. She could have told him what she was doing - as I mentioned earlier.
2. She could have sat him in the chair with a box of chocolate milk, then gone up to the register to pay for it and order her coffee.
3. She could have taken him up to the register with her, had him select his milk, and said to him, "Now we have to pay for it."

Instead, she was needlessly bossy. She wanted to do it her way and her way was not even good. I understand that children must be obedient, but there is a very important lesson in parenting and it is this: PICK YOUR BATTLES.

Confession

I love when they make LOL Celebs featuring Hugh Laurie.

"Again, with the boot thing."

Elijah's AAU basketball team is playing their first road tournament this weekend. Sadly, I can not go with them because they're leaving at noon tomorrow. And I have this perfect storm of a false deadline and an OCD boss and there's just no way in hell I'm getting out early. So I'm missing the first tournament. Which was the whole reason really that I even got my new camera.

Anyway, Chip's nephew & his girlfriend (the nephew's GF, not my husband's) are staying with us this week from NYC. So I won't be all alone. I'll make them some grits or something.

Some things I have to do. Some things I need to do. Some things I'm just thinking about maybe doing.

1. Go grocery shopping. Ride around and shop on the handicapped scooter thing.
2. Get my nails done (mani only).
3. Go see the 3D Monsters vs. Aliens movie. House is in it. He's the cockroach doctor.
4. Take some photos for a new blog idea I have.
5. Go to the Zoo if the weather is nice. Since I haven't been in years and I've never seen the Panda exhibit. Or the Northwest Passage exhibit. Although I just looked it up online and they rent wheelchairs for $8 or $22 for electic wheelchairs. So maybe not.
6. There are some pretty cool Earth Day events at Overton Park and Shelby Farms but again, with the boot thing. Oh. Nevermind. It's going to rain this weekend anyway.
7. Hang out at the book store. Which I love. But then I always spend too much money.

What would you do if you had the weekend to yourself?

Scroll-down hell

So here it is:


I think I'm making it work for me, no?

"That was the cheesiest piece of pandering I've ever watched."

Spending three days in bed with only basic cable to keep you company can get pretty depressing — especially on the weekend. Yesterday I was so desperate for something to watch I made Chip put in a movie for me. He had rented Australia and Twilight and I figured I would go with the one that wouldn't require much concentration.

With apologies to those of you who have jumped on this Twilight bandwagon, that was the cheesiest piece of pandering I've ever watched. I'd heard that the books are really not well written; I didn't bother picking them up when I read that they're written on a fourth-grade reading level. Sounds like high school romance novels to me.

And I'm sure that parts were left out of the movie...*rolls eyes*...whatever. Seems to me that this Stephanie Meyers woman just jumped on the vampire craze, wrote a flimsy little teenage love story (with absolutely no character development, BTW) and got it to book shelves in time to cash in on the fad. So I give her points for being savvy, if not for being a talented writer. Or the least bit original.

Because there are like AT LEAST a million holes in this story. And if you don't know the story, it is this: Girl meets Boy. Girl figures out Boy is a vampire. Boy brings Girl home. Girl's life is threatened by evil vampires. Boy saves Girl. The end. Tough coming up with that one, I'm sure.

1. All these people go to high school with the whole Cullen clan, and no one's noticed until now that THEY'RE VAMPIRES? Bella is here two days and figures it out? Gee, she's not only pretty, but she must be REALLY REALLY SMART, TOO.
   
2. BTW, that's one hell of a big high school for a town of 1,300 people.
3. The Cullen family (Side note: the patriarch is actually married IRL to Kelly Taylor. And they have a little girl named...BELLA!) has everything to lose in having their secret get out, and yet as soon as this high school junior figures it out, they invite her over? Into their "family"? Isn't that a bit risky?
   
4. And the Dad is a doctor? How does that work exactly? Him being around blood all the time? And isn't it hard to re-establish themselves every few years considering his license is from the 1800s?
5. And why would they settle in a small town anyway? Wouldn't they be able to blend in better in a larger city?
   
6. Uhhh...sparkly skin? Are you kidding me with this, Stephanie? Wow, way to make up your own vampire lore just to appeal to squealing 16-year-old girls.
   
7. I know that young love feels like forever, but this girl is ready to change HER ENTIRE ETERNITY based on knowing this guy for two days? After a single conversation of whether radioactive spiders were involved, she's "unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him." Deeper emotional ties were formed in a 30-minute episode of Three's Company.
   

So forgive me if I won't be eagerly awaiting the next installment of the trilogy. Let's just say that this Twilight series isn't exactly "my own personal brand of heroin."

"It was the size of a very large grape."

The surgery was not at all what I expected. I was having it done at the hospital's surgical center, where they do outpatient surgeries. I arrived at noon - as directed - for 1 p.m. surgery. I hadn't had anything to eat or drink since 8 o'clock last night.

Pre-op started with a pregnancy test (I told them I wasn't PG.), weights & measures, vitals. The nurse handed me a small pill which I totally hoped was a valium but was actually a pepsid probably since I hadn't had anything to eat or drink since 8 o'clock last night. I said, "Are you going to give me something to help me relax?" She told me that they would put something in my IV before they wheeled me back to the OR. Then she took my blood pressure and was a bit alarmed at how high it was, considering I take Inderal for migraines, the side effect of which is that it actually lowers your BP. She said, "You really must be nervous." Then I put on the backless gown and waited behind the curtain.

The surgeon came in & confirmed which foot we were cutting into. The nurse came in and started my IV (after several sticks). Two anesthesiologists came in and goofed around with me. In trying to distract me from the constant needle-poking in the back of my hand, the nurse asked me what I do for a living. I said, "I'm a writer. And I'm totally going to write on my blog about those goofballs."

Once the IV was in, the younger of the two anesthesiologists told me he had the "good stuff" and insert two syringes into the IV. Next thing I knew I woke up in the recovery room with a huge boot on my leg. Chip was next to me. I said, "Where am I?" Then apparently I said, "This is like being an alcoholic only with less vomiting."

Blah blah blah instructions vitals prescriptions. Then the recovery nurse brought in the cyst that was removed to show it to me. Dudes! It was the size of a very large grape! I had no idea it was so big! No wonder I've been in so much pain. Now that I think about it though, I must have one hell of a hole in the bottom of my foot right now.

(As I side note, Chip just picked up my Rx from Walgreens. The doc ordered me 32 demerol and Walgreens only had 30. How the hell does a pharmacy run out of demerol?? The pharmacist told Chip when he picked it up that if I needed the other two we could come back for them later. I was all, "Hell YEAH I'll need the other two." I got 32 demerol coming to me and those babies are MINE.)

When we left the surgery center, I made Chip get me something to EAT. In the recovery room they gave me coke & sprite and I'm here to tell you those were the very best sodas I've ever had in my life. Who knew high-fructose corn syrup could be so good? My post surgery menu consisted of Starbucks and a Dairy Queen chicken wrap and m&m blizzard.

Interesting follow-up report includes an ice pack behind my knee (??) and USING A WALKER. Seriously. A walker. Because I'm 84 apparently. Also, I've had to pee like eight times since I came to. Not sure what to attribute that to exactly. Maybe a big ole fat bag of IV fluids.

Now the numbness in my foot is starting to wear off so I'm going to take my happy pills and see if I can find a Friends re-run on cable. Thanks to everyone for all the good thoughts & prayers. I'm thinking that sleeping through the procedure was probably the best possible outcome.






UPDATE: Okay, I'm not making fun of the walker any more. I guess all day yesterday my foot was still numb because I got up this morning to use the bathroom and HOLY FUCKING A it hurt my foot. Putting any weight on it whatsoever? Turned out to not be such a good idea.

"He's cute to look at anyway."

So...we got a new coach.

Whether he's actually older than all of the players has not yet been decided.

Josh Pastner has been an Assistant Coach at the University of Memphis for one year. Prior to that, he was an Assistant Coach at Arizona for five years under Lute Olson.

Advantages
He was the lead recruiter for John Calipari.
He's smart — as a student athlete he graduated in two-and-a-half years; he also has a master's degree and is a PhD candidate.
He has a lot of AAU connections, especially in Houston where his dad is a big-time AAU coach.
He's been a "student of basketball" which means he's really studied the game, as opposed to some young coaches who have merely played it.
He's trained under two of the best head coaches in the game.
He can maybe talk one or two of Cal's recruits into still coming to UofM???
He's cute to look at anyway.
At least he didn't come from UT. *makes face*

Disadvantages
He has no head-coaching experience.
It will be hard to watch the game live with all those people holding up the MARRY ME JOSH signs in front of you.
His name is kind of hard to remember so he'll end up being referred to as "Coach McDreamy."
The rest of the NCAA may be under the impression that we've hired one of the Jonas Brothers.

Go get'em, Josh Hotty or whatever your name is.