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I apparently have a problem being NICE to people. I know, right??? I'M NICE!! (I saw Drum Eatenton at the Piggly Wiggly this morning and I smiled at the sumbitch before I could help myself!) But this has been a recurring theme in my professional life.
I've been called out at work before for not being NICE enough to the people I managed when I asked them to do a task. Because apparently, grown adults need buttering up before their boss is allowed to ask them to do any work.
I was once accused of being rude to a co-worker because I sent an email to her that tersely said, "Don't do that again" when she left me to do her work. It was suggested that perhaps I shouldn't send emails when I'm angry, so I can be NICER. See, I think if you're not doing your job, I don't really have to be NICE.
I've been told in more than one performance review that I need to learn to correct people while still being NICE to them. So when my bosses yelled and cussed me out, I was then expected to turn around and coddle the people who actually fucked up.
I know it's a defect in my character, but I just think ACT RIGHT AND I'LL ACT NICE. I don't understand the concept that I should be nice no matter what you do or how you act. That might work for a Miss Congeniality pageant but I'm here to get a job done and frankly, you should be too.
That doesn't make me Miranda Priestly. Miranda was a bitch whether you did your job well or not. That's different. I'm not like that.
But I think being NICE has to be earned, same as respect and trust. I think I should be able to say to someone I manage, "I need this done." and not have to say, "If you have a second, could you please do this me? That would be great, thanks!" I think if you dump your work on me, I have a right to be pissed. I think if you fuck up and I get yelled at for it, then you can expect me to be angry.
What say you? Tell me why nice matters. Convince me that I'm wrong here.
9 comments:
"Shit rolls downhill."
'Nuff said, don't you think?
Yeah, tough call. In my old job, before I was in charge of anyone, I thought to myself, "I'll always do this thing or that thing or NEVER say that thing."
Then you get in charge of people, and they don't do what you want or how you want it, even if you explained very carefully, and it's easy to be pissy about it.
That said, I'm always too nice. That whole bees with honey and vinegar and whatnot.
I just started reading your blog, so it is hard for me to judge much about your personality.......but (and I'm just trying to be honest here), if you've been told THAT many times that you have an issue with tact (being nice...whatever you wanna call it) then I don't think I'd want to be your co-worker because it seems like you have a problem working with people. I don't know what type of job you work in or what type of people you work with (maybe they are real jerks), but YIKES. I always appreciate being spoken nicely to - from my superiors and I know my subordinates appreciate it. That doesn't mean you have to tip-toe around -- just be respectful.
I would have to disagree with the idea that you have to earn being treated nicely. I think nice should be the default and then you get more direct as a situation calls for it.
I hope I'm not being too disagreeable here -- I'm up way too late and just had the urge answer you honestly.
Laura
One of my favorite quotes from Steel Magnolias! Oh, and I don't have an answer for the being nice thing because I'm kind of mean myself. :)
I can't convince you otherwise, because I agree with the majority of what you said. Although, I will say that "polite" if not outright "nice" should be the default. Cooly polite if necessary.
However, you have otherwise described a good chunk of my professional career. I too get told that I am not "nice" that I am "condescending" etc. If I have the explain the same task to you multiple times a day, "condescending" may be the only tone I can adopt so that I don't lose my sh!t on you.
Just saying.
I also think that this is a gender bias. Plenty of men in my job are ballbusters and no one thinks anything by it. Just becasue I have a vagine, do not expect me to be motherly. I have my own children.
It's hard to comment on your specific examples because those are situations that I'm sure had much more context beyond what an after-the-fact observer could understand. That being said, I do agree with a lot of your points and I think some of it is cultural in the South. Full disclosure here: I'm a transplant from Yankee-ville, Chicago to be exact. I am constantly amazed (and I'm talking about business situations here) at the lengths people will go to not give honest feedback for fear of coming across as "not nice." I can't count how many times colleagues have not spoken up in a meeting, only to share their opinions with me after the fact. We're not 6 years old, nor are we working because we have nothing better to do. We're trying to achieve some result, whatever that is, and sometimes that requires taking a hard look at things and being honest in your opinions.
Now to me there's tact, and then there's nice, and I think sometimes people confuse the two. I think you can deliver disagreeable comments, contrary opinions or constructive criticism with tact. But I don't think you should have to spend the 10 minutes prior to that falling over yourself to be "nice" first.
I greatly respect people with different viewpoints who share those and who deliver honest feedback on something I may not have done the best way. I have a hard time respecting people who keep their opinions and feedback to themselves (especially when it could prevent some awful outcome) because they're afraid of being seen as "not nice."
I am not sure that you are wrong, but maybe just a little shortsighted. As both low man on the totem pole and a supervisor for multiple people, I have received both the nice requests, and the down to the bare minimum, "DO THIS." orders. Guess which one gets done first? People will not be as considerate with the work you give them if they feel like you are not investing them with some respect. "She is just so MEAN!" will be the refrain, instead of "Working with Kalisa is easy, because she knows what she needs, and makes sure you have the resourses to get it to her." Having said that, I find that Please and Thank you mean alot as well. If I am asking someone to do something that is not in their usual line of work, I am always sincerely grateful and appreciative for their help. This makes them more apt to help me again in the future if I need them. If the work is something in their daily tasks, but I need it done asap, I ask them to reprioritize, and do this right now. Then I thank them for their help, when I know it has been done right and on time. Sometimes a sincere "Thank you for your hard work." means so much. However if it is not sincere, it can cause more animosity than goodwill.
Sorry this is kind of rambling on, end of the day and whatnot, but I don't think you have to be all sweetness and light. But you should be respectful and appreciative of someone who is assisting you.
I think Varinia hit the nail on the head -- this is a gender thing. I'd love to know when a male in a position of authority has EVER been admonished by his superiors to be "nice" in the workplace. It doesn't happen, period. You are a woman, and pretty, so you are supposed to be accommodating. How fucked up is that?
Nice totally matters. Nice doesn't mean being a pushover, it means acting respectfully. You get way more in life with honey than vinegar, in my opinion anyway.
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