"I had no idea what I was in for."

I knew when I went to work for people who are on TV that I would have to deal with some odd requests and, errr...fanatic fans. I had no idea what I was in for.

Crazy calls and emails that I regularly receive:

Can I send them my recipe for ____________?
So you can sue them for not paying you? I don't think so, honey.

Will they come speak at my kid's school?
How about I give you their agent's number and you can call him & see if he's feeling charitable today.

I'm from Boulder, Colorado. Would they sponsor my charity fund-raising dinner?
WTF?

My son wants to go to cooking school. Will they call him to give him some encouragement?
Sure. And then they'll come speak at his school.

We're coming to eat at their restaurant. Will they be there?
My sources say NO.

Will they come to my house to cook for my wife's birthday?
Well sure. They don't really have anything else to do.

I'm bringing my son's baseball team to Memphis for a tournament. Can we all come eat at the restaurant for free?
Absolutely. Because we never had any intentions of the restaurant being an actual money-making endeavor anyway.

Can I send her a pig?
Why not? EVERYONE ELSE DOES!

I [do hair/ am a make-up artist/ am a stylist] and I'd like to work on the show.
Take a number, sweetheart. They've already got hair/ make up/ stylists.

Can I talk to [him/ her]?
Uhh, no. Especially if you're not willing to tell me who you are and what it's regarding.

I left a message for [him/ her] last week but they never called me back.
I'm so sorry. But keep waiting for that call. In fact, hold your breath.

I bought their cookbook. If I [drop off/ send in] my book to you, will they sign it for me?
This probably seems reasonable to you, but just consider for a second that they've already sold more than FORTY THOUSAND cookbooks.

Where did she get her Piggy canisters?
I have no idea. They were a gift. Really. I don't know. OMG STOP CALLING ME ABOUT THE PIGGY CANISTERS!!!!!

I want to have my own restaurant and TV show one day. Will he mentor me?
But of course. He has this one piece of simple advice for you: "WORK YOUR ASS OFF."

I make wonderful ________. Can I send some to them to try?
Sure. We love eating food made by complete strangers who may or may not be deranged fans. We're daring that way.

I [am a great cook/ have an outgoing personality/ am their biggest fan]. How can I be on the show?
YOU CAN'T.