80s Skills for a New Mellenium

When I was in high school, we used to make these kick-ass party invites. And when I say "we," I mean my very talented and creative friend Sara Smith. She would cut out all these photos from magazines and make crazy collages out of them, with people saying things like, "Gee Wally, Dad'll clobber us if we miss this kegger!"

I wanted to do something similar for Elijah's 15th birthday, which is coming up next month. So I started collecting all these photos of him and his friends. A couple of the girls in his crowed were kind enough to 'friend' me so that I could copy a bunch of the photos from their facebook pages. I had planned to do it all digitally in a Quark file or something but holy god, it turns out I could probably down-hill slalom better than I can cut out backgrounds in photoshop, and with the number of photos I had, Elijah would've been graduating college before I had it all finished.

So I figured I'd do it the old-school way, like we did it in the 80s.

First, I resized all the photos to 1.5" tall. That made them easier to work with but also made all the faces come out different sizes, which adds variety to the final product. I copied them into a word document and printed the pages out high quality grayscale. I also added some photos (just a few) of Elijah when he was younger as well as "family" pictures - his basketball team photo, the three of us at his 8th grade graduation, the house when it was rolled. (Someone who gets the invite will recognize that, I'm sure.)

Then I began the cutting-out process, which was so tedious it left a blister on my thumb. I glue-sticked the photos to the edges of a sheet of paper while watching several episodes of The Riches on DVD. The intent was to create a frame that would surround the party details (when finalized) in the center. We'll run off tons of copies that Elijah can hand out to his friends. Or that the girls can hand out, if he's too embarrassed.

Here's how it ended up (click on the image to view the details):


I was so happy with the finished product that I took it in to show Elijah, who had no idea I was even working on anything. He & his dad were watching a movie. He paused it and started looking at the photos, trying not to smile. I could tell he was really pleased.

Do not mess with me, people; I AM THE COOL MOM.

About the New Job

Things That Are Great:

1. My dept is me & six other girls, and I really, really like them all. They're nice and helpful and fun and really talented.
2. The parking garage across the street is complimentary. Or perhaps I mean that it's complementary? Anyway, it doesn't cost me anything. Although it'd be sweet it if greeted me each morning by telling me how great my hair looked.
   
3. I may be there long hours during the week, but no one bothers me on the weekends.
   
4. My boss is flexible with starting time because he knows we're there way past closing time.
   
5. Free on-the-job training in Quark.
   
6. No meetings!
7. I spend all day writing. That's it. Just write write write write, review with someone, edit edit, write write write. Before I know it it's six p.m.
8. We're located in an excellent part of downtown where it's possible to WALK to restaurants for lunch. Makes me feel so cosmopolitan.
   
9. Wednesdays are COOKIE DAY!
   
10. Real live paper versions of the New York Times.
    

Things That Kind of Suck:

1. Musak.
   

I have someone I want you to meet...

So I started my new job this week which I totally can't blog about, b/c I don't blog about work as a matter of policy. But oh! If I did! The fodder!! And also? Oh yeah, MY BACK IS SO FUCKED UP. I've been four times to the chiropractor in the last two weeks. He definitely made it better - and not hurt so much, at least temporarily - but yesterday he kind of threw up his hands and said I needed to go get a prescription. So today after work I went to the after-hours clinic place. Got two shots in the ass and three scripts. One of which I had to show a picture ID for. Whoa.

But anyway.

I just want to introduce you guys to someone if you don't know her already. It's my friend CARMEN:

Oh wait, my bad. That's an older photo of her. THIS IS WHAT SHE LOOKS LIKE NOW:






I KNOW!!! She's a fucking hottie! She's lost like 80 pounds. And if that doesn't make you want to get up off your ass & get fit, I don't know what will.

The Second Annual I'm-Not-At-BlogHer Meme

I am: a chick with brains.









I think: therefore, I am.

I know: I can be difficult to live with.














I have: a crush on James McAvoy.














I wish: I were taller.

I hate: even fictional violence.

I miss: Gilmore Girls.












I fear: that my son won't make good choices.












I hear: Pride & Prejudice on Masterpiece Theatre.










I smell: freshly mowed lawn.

I crave: gourmet chocolate cupcakes!














I search: for my purpose in life.

I wonder: if I shouldn't have had more children.












I regret: mean things I've said about people.

I love: solving New York Times crossword puzzles.

I ache: like a lady twice my age.











I am not: at BlogHer.

I believe: in God's grace.

I dance: like a white girl from the 80s.














I sing: as if people have paid to hear me.

I fight: unfairness.

I cry: when I see how hard it is for M'Lynn to let Shelby go.











I win: every day that I stay sober.

I lose: to Big Daddy in Scrabble.











I never: wear panty hose.












I always: straighten my hair.

I confuse: when I have to do math in my head.











I listen: to public radio obsessively.










I can usually be found: on my laptop.

I am scared: that George W. Bush has done irreparable damage to our country.














I need: a thorough spa exfoliation.












I am happy about: a new job with the title "Writer."













I imagine: beach house retirement.

How to Know When You're Officially Popular

When you wake up and your yard looks like this:


Also, when you leave several packages of toilet paper strewn across someone's lawn, there is, apparently, no reason to pick up your trash. It is, in fact, quite all right to leave it on the doorstep:

BlogHerEnvy

So.

I'm sitting here feeling sorry for myself because I'm not with all the cool kids at BlogHer.

I don't know why I even want to be there so bad. I've never been, so it's not like I know what I'm missing.

I'm not trying to make money off my blog. I don't know anything about all the technical shit. I'm not a mommyblogger. So most of the sessions probably wouldn't even pertain to me.

The bloggers I'd want to meet probably wouldn't have anything to do with me. It's probably a lot like high school that way...with the popular table and then...the rest of us.

I'd be the only sober one there. Except for the pregnant ones. I don't typically have trouble being around alcohol but I don't particularly enjoy being around a lot of drunk people. Because really? That's not much of a spectator sport.

I'd maybe meet some new people that I like. Which would be kind of fun. And then I'd come home with a huge stack of cards to blogs that I truthfully don't have time to read.

How could I possibly justify spending so much money on a trip for just myself? No one else in my family gets that.

So.

When do they come out with the deets for BlogHer 09? Anyone know?

In the Army now

This is Big Daddy's brother, SIL and their middle son.

A couple years ago, he moved to Israel and took his aliyah. Which I may not be using that term correctly. What I mean to say is that he officially immigrated to Israel. And in Israel, all young men are required to serve in the military.

So he's now a foot soldier in the Israeli army. Which would freak me right the fuck out if he were my son, but the SIL is surprisingly at peace with it. And also very faithful, because really, what else can you do but trust God at that point?

These are the fabulous 5-Star accommodations provided by the IDF. Here they are actually sleeping inside, but often they sleep outside, in the desert. As his father put it, "He eats a lot of sand." Which I don't even want to imagine what that would do to a person's digestive system.

During their training, the soldiers go on a 50K march (which in my vast knowledge of the world's metric system* comes out to a little over 31 miles). In the desert. I mentioned that they're in the desert, right? The last three or four kilometers, they make the soldiers take turns carrying each other on their stretchers. See how that guy on the right, his uniform is a different color from the guy on the left? That's because it's soaked through with sweat. Ugh. And I complain about the Memphis summers.

* and also metric-conversions.org

This is our nephew (on the left) with a couple of his army buddies. He seems to maintain a surprisingly upbeat attitude. In the photos anyway. Considering ONE NIGHT A GRENADE WHIZZED SO CLOSE BY HIS HEAD HE COULD FEEL THE WIND AS IT BRUSHED BY.

This may or may not be our nephew hanging out of the guard tower. If I had to guess, my money would be on it being him. But I don't want to get anybody court marshaled (courted marshall?) or anything.

I know there are alot of U.S. boys serving in our own military actions in the desert right now. Thankfully, no one I know is there. And thankfully, we don't live in a country where it's necessary (yet) for every young man to go out and actively protect us from mad people who want to blow us up while we have a slice of pizza.

I have so much respect for a young man who would do this by choice on the basis of his own personal religious, ideological and cultural beliefs. Hell, that a kid his age would even HAVE ideological beliefs impresses the shit out of me. And if you pray

(yes, Anelle, I PRAY...Just don't ask me to come to one of your churches. One of those tent revivals with all those Bible beaters doing God knows what. Probably make me eat a live chicken or something.)

then please may I be so bold as to ask you to include my nephew on your list of people for your god to pay a little extra special attention to. Because I would really, really like for him to survive this next year without getting any major body parts blown off. Thank you & god bless.

xoxo

My Brilliant Idea

Have you ever been given one of those AmEx gift cards? Sure, they're great. But here's the rub: you can NEVER USE ALL THE MONEY. If you've got $4.95 left on a $50 gift card, you can only use that if you buy something that comes to exactly $4.95. Did you know that? Yes! You PAY $50 for the card, but you only get to SPEND $45.05.

What a scam.

Then yesterday I was riding in the car, listening to my latest This American Life podcast. And the last couple weeks Ira Glass has had to make a little plea for money at the beginning of the broadcast. Things are tough all over, yo. And he's saying how you don't need to give much...even if everyone who downloaded the free podcast gave just one dollar...I was thinking how I wished I had some money - just a little to give them.

DING *light bulb over head*

So I dug out some old AmEx gift cards and checked their balance. Then I went to the web site, and made TWO donations - one for $1.41 and one for $4.95. Ira gets $6.36 from me and I get to use up my gift cards. Ha ha American Express. You did not get my money! Public Radio did!

Yes!! *fist pumps*

Facelift

The only kind I can legitimately afford. Although not the only kind I need. Heh heh.

I hope you can see this, but if you can't just hit refresh and it should come back. Not that you can read this if you can't see this. Probably my readers are more tech-savvy than me though, so they will figure this out on their own, whereas it took me at least 30 minutes and several Help pages.

I like this new design because it's cleaner and definitely easier to read and hopefully the photo covers the entire screen as I found out my old one did not when I was making blog updates on Big Daddy's laptop in Florida. My old layout looked like ass on his screen.

This weekend I'm getting together with my friends who were in Florida with us. They were nice enough to load all their photos from the trip on a CD for me, since we lost our camera like the second day we were there. (UPDATE: Found! Camera was found in a shopping bag upon return home. Fat lot of good it does us now.) So come back later for more photos of teenage boys in swim trunks. If you're into that sort of thing.

Going for the Green

Lest you assume that everything about my vacation was all rampant consumerism and taking advantage of the gigantic whole in the ozone layer, I want you to know that I made some environmentally friendly purchases as well.


I was very excited when I stumbled upon a small boutique carrying Harvey's seatbelt handbags. See, I have this friend Phoebe who is very stylish and cutting-edge because she used to live in California. And I once saw her carrying this cute woven handbag in turquoise and I was all, "Is that SEATBELTS?" and she kind of grinned and said, "Yeah."


So when I happened upon this store the first thing I did was text Phoebe and say, "Would you think I was copying if I came home with a seatbelt bag?" Because it's been a year or two since I actually saw her carrying it so for all I know she's moved on to some new and equally stylish handbag. Although theoretically, she could still be using hers, since OMG they're seatbelts! They're practically indestructible! She texted me back, "No!! I would think you were very stylish and environmentally thoughtful!" So I totally bought the Boxy in champagne.


Then, when I was checking out, I saw the rack of Envirosax. I've been looking for some reusable grocery sacks ever since Carmen raised the issue about the plastic bags and made me feel all guilty about the size of my carbon footprint.


These are awesome sacks that can carry up to 44 pounds and yet roll up into a tiny bundle that will fit in your purse. I bought three and they carried home all my groceries for a week. The only downside was that the store had sold out of a lot of the designs and had a limited selection. Of course the GREEN ones, which were really the cutest designs, were sold out. I figured the environment doesn't really care afterall what color my reusable grocery bags are, although I did get this pretty yellow one.

Vacation Diary

Friday June 27

• Boys wake me up at 5 a.m. to get on the road
• Everyone is asleep in the car within a half-hour of leaving
• Have no signal on my blackberry through the entire state of Mississippi
• Run in the gym upon arrival to loosen up
• Discover while on treadmill that I don't run at steady pace
• Excited to see that I burned 140 calories
• Later realize that doesn't even cover the chips I ate in the car on the ride down

Saturday June 28

• Day 1 in sun
• Look very pale next to people who are on Day 7 in sun
• Glad we are at temporary hotel and not our regular resort
• Go to Busters for Oyster Happy Hour
• Have lost digital camera

Sunday June 29

• Wake up, coat self in sunscreen, put on suit
• Go down to breakfast, discover it is pouring down rain outside
• Change into sundress, go to outlet mall for shopping
• Buy three suit jackets at Brooks Brothers for less than $300 total
• Buy sunglasses, Hilfiger sundress, Kenneth Cole black pumps
• Elijah buys aviator sunglasses, come with "Sonny Crocket" nickname at no extra charge
• Sun comes out, rush back to beach, rain returns
• Go back to Busters for more oysters & fried crab claws

Monday June 30

• Still raining. Boooo.
• Pack up hotel room & move to Hilton resort
• Hilton fucks up our reservation, tries to stick us in crappy room overlooking parking lot
• Big Daddy calls Hilton Customer Service, raises all kinds of hell
• Hilton promises to move us on Tuesday if we'll spend one night in crappy room
• Dinner with friends at AJ's, had oyster po'boy, was dry
• Big Daddy & I have restless night sleep in double bed

Tuesday July 1

• Sun is shining! Yay!
• Go down early to reserve pool chairs
• Day 2 in sun, laying out by 10 a.m.
• Big Daddy is going to take boys to water park since no rain is forecast
• Calls me around 11 while I am lounging in the surf, asks me to check w/ front desk on new room
• Realize I have been left in charge of changing rooms, cuss Big Daddy
• Go up to room, realize boys didn't even pack up their bags before they left for Big Kahuna's, more cussing ensues
• Get us moved into Junior Suite, lose total of about 1 hour in sun
• Stay at beach until 5 p.m., reluctantly go in and shower

• Realize I wore a one-piece to beach last year, should have used higher SPF on stomach, entire midriff - front & back - is sunburned
• Take boys to Bayou Bill's for dinner, can't find it, give up looking and go to Acme Oyster Bar in Baytowne
• Oyster po'boy and Boo Fries kick some motherfucking beach ass
• Upon return to resort, ask concierge what happened to Bayou Bills, find out it burned down, am sad

Wednesday July 2

• Day 3 in sun (10 a.m. - 4:30 p.m.)
• Apply 15 SPF to midsection and stay out 10 a.m. to 4:30 p.m.
• Boys get photo with former Ole Miss football coach
• Go to friend's condo to cook out for dinner

Thursday July 3

• Sky is overcast, am too red to be out anyway
• Decide to spend day in shade reading
• Big Daddy takes boys to drive go-karts
• After The Track, boys meet our friends at Fudpuckers for late lunch, no one calls to let me know or include me
• More cussing
• An hour after they return, I start getting text messages from Shreveport area code
• Discover they wrote my number and "TEXT ME" on the table at restaurant
• React in true drama queen fashion, tears are shed, may have cried, "I'm just a joke to you!" once or possibly even twice.
• No dinner since everyone else had late lunch

Friday July 4

• Still sunburned, spend day under umbrella at beach
• Don't wear any sunscreen, arms & legs get a little pink
• Also break out in blistery sun rash covering both arms
• Beach is wall-to-wall people, nothing but umbrellas as far as the eye can see in both directions
• Failed to make dinner reservations to eat at resort on the 4th, eat $200 worth of sushi at hotel bar

• Watch fireworks on the beach, they're huge and awesome, am grateful to live in country that celebrates its birth by blowing shit up
• Are so close to fireworks have to tilt neck all the way back like Eva Longoria kissing Tony Parker and fallout falls on our head
• Is all very awesome
• Grand finale is Celine Dion singing our national anthem, which isn't all that patriotic when you think about it since SHE'S CANADIAN
• Take benadryl for itchy rash and go to sleep by 9 p.m.

Saturday July 5

• Last day, sad
• Day 4 in sun
• Lay out all day in SPF 4 despite gross itchy rash because it is last day
• May not have deep island tan, but at least you can tell I've been on vacation
• Go to Stinky's Fish Camp for dinner, new place, food was seriously yummy
• Take another benadryl, go to sleep early, happy, lucky

You haven't been pucked til you've been Fudpucked.

It's taken me a couple of trip & falls, but I've finally realized another lesson on this trip:

If I don't go with the boys, I get screwed.

The first time it happened was Tuesday. After two days of rain, Tuesday dawned clear and bright. I got up early to reserve some chairs by the pool. It's like a cruise here that way; if you don't reserve by 8 a.m., you're laying on a towel on the ground. I ate a light breakfast and was out in the sun by 9:30. I planned to soak up every available minute of sunshine.

Chip was going to drop the boys off at the water park for the day. He couldn't decide if he was going to stay & play or come back to the hotel. They all ambled down with no plans in particular past getting breakfast. Once fed, they were raring to go, and headed straight out to the water park. At some point over omelets and bacon, Chip decided he'd go to the park with the boys.

Unfortunately (for me), this was also the day we were scheduled to move from the crappy room to the Junior Suite. Sometime just before noon, Chip calls me from the water park and says, "Will you check w/ the front desk and see if the room's ready?" I was all, "Wait...how did I get stuck moving the rooms?"

Chip says, "All you have to do is have a bellman move the bags." Which theoretically would be true. IF THEY BOYS HAD PACKED UP THEIR SHIT BEFORE THEY LEFT.

Oh yeah. Clothes and shoes and all sorts of shit strewn all around the room. I doubt the bellman was going to pack that up for me as well. So I had to LEAVE THE SUNSHINE, the fickle, fickle sunshine, who may or may not decide to show its face tomorrow, to go up and pack up their suitcases.

So. Pissed.

/first incident.

Then today: I'm a little sunburned today (the sun actually decided to stay out for two days, and I racked up about 13 hours of tan-time). I figured I needed to stay out of the sun for a day. Plus, it's kind of overcast. Chip decided to take the boys to drive go-karts. I was downstairs, sitting in the shade, reading a book, and they come tell me they're leaving. Chip says (and I quote): "I'm going to take them to get a hot dog and to The Track."

(Chip & Elijah have a thing for this hot dog stand at the outdoor shopping mall place, so I knew that he meant they were going there.)

I stay at the hotel all day. Even picked up around the room a bit. Found us a great restaurant for dinner tonight. Figured we'd go kind of early to avoid the long wait and plus none of us have eaten much. Chip calls me around 3 and I said, "Where are ya'll?" At Fudpuckers. FUDPUCKERS. Like go inside, sit down, order off a menu eating. Without even calling me to say, "Hey, wanna go to Fudpuckers?"

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...don't get fooled again. We have that saying in Tennessee. You probably have it where you live too.

Overheard at the Pool

Young boy, complaining to dad about brother: "I keep trying to catch the football and he keeps pushing me out of the way! He keeps pushing me under the water like this [demonstrates with hand to face] and my nose keeps getting flooded!"

Higher-Powered

When you're at the beach, you have all this proof around you of the existence of god. Like, only a higher power would think to make the place that the water meets the land so beautiful and serene and relaxing. If man had tried to create that himself, he certainly would have fucked it up.

And if you need even more proof that god exists and loves us beyond our human comprehension, look no further than the BOO FRIES at Acme Oyster Bar.

If you don't know what boo fries are, then I feel sorry for you because you're obviously not getting into heaven.