Sex & the Spoilers

There is so much to complain about in this movie I don't know where to start.

Oh wait - I do know where to start: with the STUDDED BELT. Because if you're going to have one wardrobe piece used repeatedly throughout a movie, it should by all means be a STUDDED BELT. Carrie wore hers FIVE TIMES. FIVE TIMES. A STUDDED BELT. Does that sound like a movie you want to see? I thought not.

Someone saw fit to add a woman of color to the movie. Unfortunately, the role was completely superfluous to the plot and Jennifer Hudson overacted the shit out of it. And how is it not offensive that the character was basically a servant? Saint Louise from St. Louis with her borrowed 'Louise' Vuitton. It was all a bit forced. Okay, more than a bit.

The little Chinese girl playing Charlotte & Harry's adopted daughter must have been someone's kid, because she sure as hell wasn't an actress. Is it funny that a 3-year-old answers the phone by saying, "Sex"? I want to find that clever, but it makes me feel kinda icky on the inside.

After all the years of waiting for Charlotte to be a mommy, there was no mommy storyline whatsoever. It's like the writers didn't know what to do with all these extra new characters.

There were precious few Sex-isms, those terrific one-liners that made the TV show so witty and fun ("Miranda's dating an overeater, and he overate her."). Seriously, there were like, two. And one of them was a joke about someone shitting their pants. Ho ho. Funny stuff there.

Speaking of forced, there were several gratuitous scenes of naked male behinds. I'm sure some of you can appreciate that. But they were just thrown in for no apparent reason. I seem to remember it all being a little more natural and organic when it was on tv.

Also didn't love:

• the Fergulicious soundtrack
• the lack of lines for any straight men
• SJP's bony-ass body, all muscles and veins popping out (eww)
• wardrobe choices that didn't even make any sense, like when the girls came over to help Carrie pack up her apartment...in their designer dresses & high heels, or when the four of them went to dinner at their Mexican beach resort...in long dresses (above).

And let's not forget: the bride-of-Frankenstein bird in Carrie's hair (we've all seen the photos).

There were some decent performances. Most notably: Carrie's very dramatic meltdown and Miranda's bitterness at all she gave up for the sake of her marriage.

If you loved, loved, loved the tv show and desperately want to sit through an episode that's been painfully stretched out into two hours, this movie is for you.

If you feel compelled to clap when the theme song plays at the beginning of the movie, you will probably love it no matter how slowly the middle drags on.

If you always wanted more than anything else in the whole entire world to see Carrie & Big live happily ever after, then this is probably the series finale you were hoping for.