Well, well...here we are YET AGAIN.

I can't begin to tell you how much I hate trying to find a swimsuit. Not for the reasons you think - unflattering florescent lights, cottage cheese thighs, saggy boobs. No, I just hate trying to find a damn suit. WHERE ARE THEY?? You can find just about anything on the internet but try to buy a swimsuit online and you seriously have like seven choices. That's it. Seven suits. No more, no less. Pick one, it's all we got.

The frustration is that I know what I want. This. I want this suit. Also? While I'm placing my order, I'd like this bikini bod, too, please.

What do you mean you don't like my suit? I will cut a bitch!

*Ahem* Back to reality. Let's look at some similar suits I found online. I like this color, and the halter top, but it's just too small overall. The bottoms are too low and the top is never gonna hold my girls.

You pretty much have to have the body of a 15-year-old (or a mannequin) to look good in this suit.

Love, love LOVE these bottoms because they have that little scuba belt thingy (like Halle's). I have a feeling they're pretty low-cut though. And the suit doesn't even COME in a solid.

You know your bikini is skimpy when your hair is bigger than your suit.

Look, THIS is what I wore to the beach last year:

That's a MOM suit if I ever saw one.

Because I was fat. And this was somewhat flattering. But I was completely miserable. It was really HOT. Like holy-shit-what-is-with-all-this-heavy-material-wrapped-around-my-midsection??-hot. I think that, up until then, the last time I wore a one-piece was maybe when I was pregnant? So after a week in this thing last year, I vowed then and there that I wouldn't go back to the beach in a one-piece.

And my body definitely looks better this year since I've been running, although I still have a way to go and that's okay because it's like two months until we take our vacation so there's still time. Likewise, I have no delusions of ever making it into that top bikini because hello? I AM 41. Not 14.

Spiegel has some pretty decent (in the modest sense of the word) suits and they're pretty reasonably priced, too. This one is $39 and I'm pretty sure the "brooch" is detachable. It's not that the embellishment looks that bad, so much as "brooch" and "bikini" are two words that should NEVER be in the same sentence.

The bottoms are still a little small for my taste. But Spiegel also has swim separates, which is always a good option in bikinis.

If you're going to purchase a swimsuit online, I recommend that you order several, try them on and return the ones you don't want. If you find a style you like, order it in a couple sizes. You know what it's like in a dressing room; you KNOW how many frogs you have to kiss. So don't expect it to be any different purchasing online. The only difference is you get to try them on in privacy, behind your own closed bedroom door.