Creativity and Flair

This is a freelance piece that I submitted to a publication. They opted not to use it. I can't imagine why.

When my son was about two-and-a-half years old, his dad, whom I had not yet been married to long enough to have fully trained, clomped around in the muddy yard in hiking boots. (Actually, it’s been 15 years now, and he’s still not fully trained. But at least he’s better than he was. At least he empties the clean dishes from the dishwasher before he puts the dirty ones in it now.)

When he came inside, he threw the muddy boots in the dryer. You know…to dry them. I was not aware of this exceedingly brilliant moment of domesticity until later that day, when I went to put a load of clean clothes from the washer into…

Are you kidding me? What is THIS? My dryer is caked in mud! Oh…I was fuming. I dumped the wet clothes back into the washer and got down on my knees and began wiping the mud out of my dryer.

(By the way, there really is no easy way to wipe dried mud out of the inside of a dryer. If you ever find yourself in this situation, here’s what I suggest you do: 1)Wrap a chain or a rope around the dryer; 2) Secure it tightly; 3) Haul that sucker out to the curb; 4) Drive yourself to Sears; 5) Buy a new damn dryer.)

Obviously this was a task that required a great deal of cussing and cursing the day I married the thoughtless oaf. I believe my exact words were, “He. Is. So. F***ING. STUPID!” To which my two-and-a-half-year-old said from the doorway, “Hey!” (points finger at the offending mommy) “Don’t say ‘stupid’!”

Oh, I raised him right. He knew better than to say “stupid” or (*gasp*) “shut up.” Dropping f-bombs, on the other hand? Completely acceptable. Because I think it’s important to teach our children to curse with creativity and flair. It’s what will set them apart from other college applicants, fraternity pledges and job candidates. Knowing how to make full use of the English language will get you everywhere in life.

I myself learned how to cuss from my friend Shelley’s mom in high school. After hanging out at her house a few times, drinking sweet tea and watching the Michael Jackson Thriller video on MTV, it became apparent to me that it was okay to cuss in front of Shelley’s mom. In fact, it was encouraged.

I had never cussed in front of my own parents. My own parents hardly ever cussed in front of me. When my dad got mad, he was known to release a hardy “Oh…blast!” from his pursed lips. I know for a fact that I never heard them say worse than damn or hell. And once, when my brother was in junior high, he got discouraged watching a football game and said, “This team sucks!” and my dad told him that by jim, he better not ever hear that kind of language out of him again. “You don’t even know what that means,” my dad said. (Hee, hee. The hell!)

At Shelley’s house, they would mock my efforts at cussing. It was like one of those “You Got Served” movies, only with less dancing and more trash-talking. (And also hand motions.) At Shelley’s, I learned the best way to mix-and-match cuss words and how to recognize when the occasion called for the most shocking combinations.

George Carlin made a name for himself with the Seven Words You Can’t Say On Television. That was back in the 70s when you really could get arrested and thrown in jail for saying them on television. Now days, I’m pretty sure numbers two and seven are okay to say on network TV and in the right circumstance (like, for instance, if you’re Tom Hanks), you can probably pull off using number one. Jane Fonda just got away with a four – on the Today show, of all places! Jon Stewart says number three all the time; they just bleep it out, but you totally know that he’s saying it – that’s part of the joke and much of his appeal. Numbers five and six you can still only say on TV if you’re Tony Soprano.

My husband and I never watched our language in front of our son. Even when he was in the mimicking stage of picking up words I don’t remember him ever repeating anything shocking or age-inappropriate. I understand now that when he was six or so, he once told his dad to shut-the-eff-up. Dad’s reaction was swift and fierce and caused the boy such dire trauma that to this day he still doesn’t cuss in front of us.

This is why it’s important to teach your children how to cuss. Using the f-word is no big deal really. There are no bad words, only bad ways to use them. I’d much rather my son use the f-word than, say, use drugs. Go ahead and tell me that your eff-ing English teacher gave you too much eff-ing homework. But don’t tell your English teacher to shut-the-eff-up. Because that s*** will get you in trouble every time.

On Inside the Actors’ Studio, Host James Lipton very famously ends all of his interviews with a questionnaire (“Invented by Proust and brought to perfection by Bernard Pivot”). Number seven on the list of 10 questions is “What is your favorite curse word?” Because everyone has one, even Scientologists and Shakespearean thespians whose names begin with “Sir.” Some of the most highly respected, award-winning, leading ladies of our time, including Jodie Foster, Holly Hunter and Jessica Lange, are proud to boast their love of the word c***sucker. Even Saint Angelina admits her favorite is the F-word. (Something else we have in common! We both love Brad Pitt AND the F-word!)

Personally, I think it would have been grand if, instead of quoting the Eminem line, “You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow/ This opportunity comes once in a lifetime,” Jodie Foster had chosen for her Ivy League commencement address that other timeless quote from his song: “Success is my only motha-f**kin option, failure's not.”

Today, you can learn all sorts of new curse words on the internet. Bloggers have come up with some of the most creative new uses of four-letter words in generations. No way to know where they started, or even what they mean exactly (are we supposed to interpret “asshat” literally?) but it’s encouraging to know that someone out there is taking up the cause of cussing with creativity and flair. We may not leave our children with a better world, but we’ll certainly supply them with the language to complain about it colorfully.