He totally knew but it was still a great party

Yesterday was My Kid's 14th birthday, which I didn't really talk about much here b/c we were planning a surprise party and you never know who might be reading your blog. About 2 weeks ago, his girlfriend (who I will henceforth refer to as "Spice Girl," which has nothing to do with the reunited British pop group but everything to do with the fact that her name sounds like a spice to me) called me and said she wanted to throw him a surprise party and could I help her? So we discussed some options and decided on a pizza place where we could get the little side area. She invited people and I bought some decorations and a cake and made arrangements to get him there at the appointed time.

Turns out we're not all that good at surprise parties.

Ways in which we ruined the surprise:

1. Some girl at school text (texted?) My Kid and said, "I thought we were friends. Why wasn't I invited to your party?"
2. I inadvertently opened the trunk yesterday while he was standing next to me and all the decorations for the party were in there. He said, "You wanna explain that?" and I said, "Oh, damn. I was going to decorate your room this morning for when you woke up!" but he wasn't buying it. He said, "You were going to decorate my room with PLATES?"
3. One of the party guests was standing outside when My Kid showed up. Big Daddy had told him they were meeting me up there for dinner. So when he saw his friend the gig was pretty much up.

My Kid is in the white hat. His friend Alex on the left is the one who was running around outside when the guest of honor arrived.

Here's something I bet you didn't know about 14th birthday parties: It's not necessary to bring a gift. Just give the birthday person whatever money you have on you. My Kid walked away with $115 which is completely outrageous to me.

All I know is, you'd have never gotten 25 people to a party for me when I was 14.

Hell, I don't know 25 people now.

The cute little blond in the middle-right (light shirt) is Spice Girl.

Teenage girls love to pose in groups like this. I'm fairly sure this continues until like their sophomore year in college.

Dream Kalisah

Last night I dreamed I was to carpool to work with Chris (which is kind of weird, since we live in different states). His mother - who was actually the mom from Two-and-a-Half Men - and little girl picked me up and brought me back to their house, where his wife was vilely mean to us all, using a racial slur against a black woman riding with us and then taunting her when she became offended. Then she attacked me with some sort of stuffed and mounted bird of prey that had its mouth open in this attack-like stance and I woke up in heart-pounding fear. (It was much scarier in the dream than it is on paper.) From what I know of Beth, I have no reason to believe that she is anything like this.

Although Chris could totally pass as Charlie & Alan's third brother.

Fall Fashion

I'm really excited that, in addition to yesterday's NYTimes Magazine, there was the added bonus of the official NYT Style Magazine. Some 320 pages of fall fashions, styles and trends. So in addition to all the great reading you get from your Sunday NYT, you get a Vogue-like magazine thrown in for free. Seriously, I spent over 4 hours reading mine.


What I'm seeing for fall is that sophisticated, mature, tailored dresses and suits are going to replace the billowy babydoll dresses and teetering platform shoes. Forties-inspired hourglass silhouettes. Lots of grey.


Here are some highlights from the Style mag:

• Ralph Lauren splurged for the inside cover spaces and it was well worth it to showcase his classic black french artist-inspired dresses, sweater and skirts.


• Expect more practical shoes as shown by Cole Haan's high-heeled mary jane pumps with Nike Air technology.


• I can't believe anyone is still using Kate Moss but there she is - big as life in both the Versace and the David Yurman ads.


• A to-die-for Oscar de la Renta black dress, with full, 3/4-length sleeves, fitted torso, drop waist and full skirt, shown with gray tights


• Several lines are showing Russian-inspired looks, be it peasant or royalty.


• Best Tagline: Stuart Weitzman "OBSESSORIZE"


• A really disappointing cheap-looking suit from Banana


• A Return to the Golden Age of Pret-a-Porter - Marc Jacobs says of his bright narrow coats, ribbed sweaters and multi-hued wide-brimmed hats: "I was imagining a handsome, natty woman from late-'70s New York traveling to Italy for the first time. I wanted something totally precise, sharp, studied and pulled together with absolutely nothing extraneous."


• Doc Martens are making a big comeback, thanks to Yamamoto's hard-edged runway shows and trend-setters like Avril Lavigne. Chloe has some high-heeled Doc-inspired boots in red that are in practically every fall photoshoot you can lay your hands on.


• YSL brings back air travel's lost glamour with "lower-priced bags, tunics, bubble skirts and safari jacket that reflect the house's iconic style while keeping ease and wrinkle resistance in mind."


• "Blog is the New Black" - more designers are keeping blogs these days. Donna Karan says: "I've simply gotten to a point in my life where I want to 'address' people, not simply 'dress' them."


• "The Get: chic clutches [in snappy colors and jumbo sizes], a good stiff belt [shown in leather skins with big metal buckles], schoolboy blazers [from Brooks Bros, Ralph Lauren, and Balenciaga], bands of gold [big chunky rings], shoes of many hues [I TOLD YOU!!]"


• Some of the best jackets this season will have bracelet sleeves, so two must-haves will be cuff bracelets and brightly hued leather gloves.


• On Dressing Up: Ken Downing, fashion director for Neiman Marcus says: "Dressing up is the new cool. Being undone or disheveled is out." Marc Jacobs agrees: "After all the hoopla of layered, grungy, do-it-yourself fashion, it's nice to be masochistically flawless."


• You get extra credit for wearing sequins during the day.


• Peacoats are everywhere, including some pretty affordable ones from Hilfiger.

Come back tomorrow & we'll talk about what's new for fall make-up trends. Happy Styling!

The Day it Became True

Tonight I was watching the movie "Before Night Falls" and it came to that part where Reinaldo has won honorable mention in the Cuban national book contest and the literary guy tells him, "We think you were born to write." and the look on Reinaldo's face is one of such joy. That moment in your life when the dream you have for yourself is validated by someone on the outside.

I remember mine.

It was 1985 and I was taking some classes at the local junior college near my hometown. English Comp, Psych 101, typical freshmen courses. In my English class, we'd been assigned to write a descriptive essay. I wrote mine on "Rude Boys." This was the name my friend Shelley and I had given to the pre-hair band rocker boys of the early 80s. I'm sorry to say I don't still have the essay - I can't imagine why I didn't keep it. But you can imagine the boundless opportunity for description my selected subject afforded me. The long hair, the cigarette in the corner of his mouth, the walk like Bon Jovi in the "Runaway" video. I was later surprised at the complete lack of creativity from my classmates when I learned that some of them wrote their papers describing their earrings and their socks.

Shelley was going to school up the road in Hattiesburg. She came home most weekends (or sometimes I went up there). She was back for our high school Homecoming game this particular weekend. She was going to go to my English class with me (I can't for the life of me remember now why she would want to do this) and then we were heading back to our high school gym to attend the Homecoming pep rally followed by the parade on main street.

So we're feeling all cool and full of ourselves going back to the old school, and we're totally dressed more for a night at the clubs than a high school pep rally. Again, it was 1985 people. I believe I was wearing a straight white mini skirt with big pastel flowers on it, with a short lilac sweater, lace anklet socks, some cheap light-colored pumps and several long strands of fake pearls. The entire outfit probably cost less than $70 at the mall. Strange that I can remember so few other details but know exactly what I was wearing.

Shelley & I are just about to enter the classroom where my instructor is standing outside the doorway in the hall, and she stops me and asks to speak to me before I went in. Shelley went on in and my instructor said to me, "I'd like to read your paper to the class today if you don't mind." I was completely taken aback. I told her of course she could read it but the impact of what she had just asked me was only beginning to rise from deep in my gut and slowly radiate out into my consciousness.

"I was very disappointed in your papers," she told the class. "There was one paper that was creative and descriptive in the way that the assignment required. I'm going to read this one paper to you so that you will understand what descriptive writing is and what your papers should have been." And she began reading my Rude Boy paper.

She never said whose paper it was, but after class several people started coming up to me asking if it was mine. I've often wondered since then if I hadn't been dressed like a ZZ Top video if the other students would have pegged me as the writer.

I was on such a high as we drove back to Long Beach. Shelley and I were chattering nonstop as we were wont to do back then, and I don't know if she said it or I said it but at some point that morning, it occurred to me that I was now a writer.

Reasons Why I Haven't Posted This Week

1. I was in Nashville Monday and Tuesday
2. With a client
3. And a 6 a.m. meeting
4. It was a 3-hour car trip one way
5. I was super tired by the time I got home
6. I've been sleeping a lot ever since
7. And it's still 110 degrees outside
8. Which saps me of my energy
9. And I've been planning a surprise party for My Kid with his girlfriend
10. Which, I have no idea what 14-year-olds do at parties
11. Or what to buy them as gifts
12. Also he's had to rearrange his class schedule
13. Because his geography teacher wants to move him into Honors Geography
14. I didn't even know there WAS an "Honors Geography"

I am 66% bionic

Which means I probably should be nearly so tired as I am.


See What You're Made Of - Visit The Official Site

A shoe philosophy

Phoebe, she of the hair cut that I copied for about a month, is really quite a style icon. I'd be lying if I said that I didn't have a bit of a girlcrush on her. She has the greatest blouses, which is something I really struggle with. I'm always looking for tops b/c they somehow stymie me. I have found in my time a few cute tops, but I really don't have any good blouses. Also jackets, something I have learned the benefits of from those style gurus Stacey & Clinton. Phoebe has great jackets. She even has summer jackets, which I do not have even one of those as my efforts have all been concentrated on accumulating winter jackets. And Phoebe was the first person I knew to wear suit shorts to work. I wear cotton city shorts, with heels, but Phoebe actually owns suit shorts. Which she wears with her fabulous platform heels.


And Phoebe's shoes...Phoebe's shoes...here's the really interesting part. Phoebe has a SHOE PHILOSOPHY. And it is this:

At first, when she shares this philosophy with you (b/c even though you've sort of noticed this, on some level, you're one day discussing shoes - as women are wont to do - and she actually says, "I don't wear black shoes."), you're taken aback for a moment. B/c you've never heard of someone having a grudge against black shoes. Or having a shoe philosophy at all. Plus, black shoes are the standard. How do you not wear black shoes?

And the answer is simple: By wearing other colors. B/c let's assume for a second that you're wearing a black pants suit. (And I'm sorry I don't have a photo demonstration for you, but it took me long enough to create that shoe graphic.) Black shoes and bag are kind of boring, no? What about brown shoes and bag? Now you're accessorized! (And you know what they say about our ability to accessorize!) Black dress? Try a metallic shoe or a splash of color.

And so I have decided to adopt Phoebe's shoe philosophy. In all fairness, I will never claim it as my own. I will always credit the philosophy to Phoebe. The transition will have to be gradual, as I can't really afford to throw out all the black shoes in my closet and replace them with other hues. But NO BLACK SHOES will be my goal. That, and getting that icon onto my sidebar.

Adventures in Homeowership

Tuesday I noticed that our hot water had suddenly become markedly more hot. I've lived in this house for like 6 years and I pretty much know the combination of hot and cold water required for the temperature I desire. But on Tuesday, when I set the water there, it nearly scalded me. In the shower, for instance, I push the hardware straight up 12 o'clock for a nice comfortable shower. But on Tuesday I had to adjust it over to 1 or almost 1:30. So I asked Big Daddy if he'd turned up the hot water heater but he said he hadn't, which was weird, b/c how else can you explain the sudden increased temperature?

Then last night (Wednesday), I went to wash my face before I went to bed and I couldn't get anything but lukewarm water in my bathroom. I checked My Kid's bathroom and same thing. So I told Big Daddy, "I think something is really wrong with our hot water heater b/c now I can't get ANY hot water." So he climbed up into the attic to check it and was not at all happy with what he saw.

The water heater was cracked, the overflow pan was nearly full and the top of the heater was ballooning up as if the whole thing was just about to burst. He & the Kid dragged a hose into the house and drained it (it was actually already empty I think). Then I warned My Kid that he wouldn't have hot water for a shower in the morning and went to bed.

I'm not sure what he did to get ready for school b/c he has to get up at 5:15 and I have chosen NOT to get up with him anymore b/c damn, that is some kind of early. Personally, I gave myself a whore's bath (as my MIL calls it) and tried to shave my legs with cold water which didn't work all that well but I'm sure as hell not wearing pants given how freakishly hot it is outside. Yesterday we hit 106 with a heat index of 113. One of the Elvis fans who'd traveled here for Death Week was the 7th person to die from the heat THIS WEEK (only 2 people died from heat in Memphis in all of last year). Hey, maybe I could just set some pans of water outside in the blistering sun. That should heat it up sufficiently.

AFTER

So, my hairdresser wasn't as sure about the Factory Girl cut as I was. But we talked through several things and he agreed to do it and so he's cutting and looking at the photos and cutting some more and asking questions and continuing to cut and then he says, "I'm not going to go quite as short as hers because I don't want you to look like you have a giant mushroom on your head."

So I went in for Sienna Miller Factory Girl and came out more like Katie Holmes. Which you totally can not see in this crappy photo.

(Actually, it's kinda more like Suri.)

Today, you get the BEFORE photo

You'll have to come back tomorrow for AFTER. Maybe by then I will have figured out how people take their own photo in a mirror.

Easily excitable

Things I am excited about:

1. The Closer and the season premier of Weeds back-to-back tonight
2. My recent purchases, including my new fall IT bag
3. Getting my hair cut
4. Buying new make up to go w/ the new hair cut
5. My recent promotion at work

Things I am not excited about:

1. The 30th Anniversary of Elvis's death (what with the influx of impersonators, mourners and other eccentrics)
2. Having yearly mammograms (I had one this morning and oh my holy hell did it hurt.)
3. Another week of record-breaking heat
4. The internet being out in my whole building for most of the day at work

Update on the Family

The MIL is still in the hospital. I have spent every day of the past 4 days running around in this impossible heat, bringing food to Dad, taking Dad to the hospital, taking food to Mom, grocery shopping for both families, cooking, washing Mom's soiled gowns, buying flowers, going to the hospital, running, running, running. Seriously. My hips & legs are sore.

Mom's problems all seem to stem from her diabetes. She is insulin-dependent but was also on some oral medication which they had to discontinue recently b/c it was ruining her kidneys. Since she went off that, her blood sugar has been all out of whack. The difficulty breathing appears to have been a build up of fluid around her heart and lungs, b/c her kidneys are not doing their job properly and eliminating that fluid from her body.

They've run all sorts of tests on her and everything else looks good. Except those poor overworked kidneys. I'm not sure how much longer they can go on.

Mom's such a drama queen though so that has given us plenty of entertainment. I'd be sitting there in her hospital room w/ her and the phone would ring - a friend or a family member calling to check on her - and even though she'd been talking just fine w/ me two seconds ago, she reaches for the phone and says, "Hello?" in the most god-awful weak and trembling voice. I pointed that out to Big Daddy and My Kid when they were up there Friday night, and then every time she did it they would crack up laughing.

This morning I told Big Daddy, "I ordered myself a dress and some shoes b/c I have had to see your mother naked not once, BUT TWICE this week and YOU OWE ME." He says, "Oh, OK. How much?" and even though I should have known that the conscientious budgeteer was talking about money, I said, "FULL FRONTAL NUDITY." And he starts laughing and says, "I didn't mean how much of my mother did you see, I meant how much did you spend!"

So, like I said, I am really worn out today but of course Big Daddy had to show me up and stay on a conference call for 27 straight hours starting at 8 a.m. yesterday morning so now I can't really complain about being tired.

Tomorrow My Kid starts high school. But I think that's another post altogether.

Re-thinking the hair thing. Again.

It only takes me a day or two to make a complete U-turn when it comes to my hair.

So I have a whole new idea that I'm now obsessed with. And it is Factory Girl.

Now I KNOW that it wouldn't look exactly like this on me since my hair is obviously thicker than Sienna Miller's. And I KNOW that I have cut my hair short in the past and have been severely disappointed every time. But this is different. REALLY. It is. IT IS.

Because I never used a flat iron when I cut my hair short before. And I never left layers long enough to straighten before. So I think this would work.

PLUS - shorter hair gives you better cheekbones.

Picture black liner, smokey eye and false lashes. It would be my signature look. With all my 60s-mod short dresses? With heels? Or boots? (In the winter?) I think it would be sexy & cool & would totally rock.

Now I just have to convince Big Daddy that it would be a good idea.

It's HOT! (You're gonna need a pool!)

Today is the 18th straight day and there is no end in sight. I'm pretty sure the polar ice caps will be melted by the end of the week.

Playing the Good Daughter

Today, for the first time, I took off work to care for an aged parent. I'm not sure what that makes me? Old? Oh I know. I makes me A GROWN UP.

Here's how it all went down:

2 a.m.
Phone rings about a hundred times. My Kid - the only one in the household who's awake - manages to break away from playing video games to answer the phone.

Kid enters our bedroom.

Kid: Dad? Dad?
Me: What's the matter?
Kid: Dad needs to call Pa. I couldn't really hear him, but he said the fire department is at their house.
Me: Daddy. Daddy. (pokes with elbow)
Big Daddy: Hmmm?
Me: Call your dad. There's an emergency.
Big Daddy dials phone.
Big Daddy: Hey....uh-huh...uh-huh...Do I need to get up?...OK. Bye.
Me: What's going on?
Daddy: They're taking Mom to the hospital.
Me: Oh my god. Don't you think you should go up there?
Daddy, who has taken an Ambien a couple hours earlier: (*snores*)

I laid in bed and considered the situation. Should I go? Should I not go? Should I wait and go later? AM I EVEN GOING TO BE ABLE TO GET BACK TO SLEEP ANYWAY?? And all I kept thinking is, "This is why we're here." So I got up and got dressed and was at the ER by 3 a.m.

They brought her in because she was having severe difficulty breathing. When I got there, they had an oxygen mask on her and had taken several tubes of blood but that was it. She was really struggling to breathe. I won't give you the play-by-play of everything that went down in our 6 hours in the ER...well, maybe just the highlights:

• Around 5 a.m. I realized that I could never have been a nurse, when Mom coughed up some rusty-colored sputum and insisted on showing it to me.
• 2 albuterol breathing treatments
• One extra tube of blood
• A chest X-ray
• The possibility of a pulmonary embolism thrown out
• Two trips to the hospital Starbucks (that was me) (BTW, they open at 6:30, not 5:30 a.m.)
• My FIL, who's logged 1,300+ hours as a volunteer at this hospital, insisted on wearing his hospital jacket with this volunteer ID badge and nosing around like he was the CEO of the place.
• A tentative diagnosis from the ER doc of congestive heart failure
• MUCH drama from the MIL, including shushing Dad when the two of us would talk and she was no longer the center of attention
• A call to her blood doctor by the ER doc
• A decision to admit
• (That was a 2-hour process. Which I do not understand b/c I refuse to believe that the hospital is FULL and they had to discharge one to have a room for another.)
• After Mom was in a room, I went to their house to pick up some things for her, including two new long-sleeved Oscar de la Renta gowns that she bought at Macy's just in case but (*sob*)hoped she would never have to use
• Listened to expressions from MIL like, "I'm not long for this world..."
• Helped Mom into one of her new gowns which, I am sorry to report to you, involved seeing my 83-year-old MIL naked.
• The realization that my FIL will not eat or take any of his medications if Mom doesn't do it for him and taking adequate steps to address these parental issues.
• Frequent update calls to BILs on both coasts to let them know what's going on.

And now...I'm going to Baskin Robbins. Because I TOTALLY deserve ice cream.

Here's the thing about the hair straightening.

The vacation hair was a COMPLETE DISASTER.

When I'd go in the water, then sit back in my chair, my hair would start to air dry and I looked like Medusa with snakes for hair.

Mostly, I kept it twisted up in a bun and under a white baseball cap. Which works okay when you're at the beach and your hair is wet.

Not so great when you're in a cute sun dress with cute heels and a cute tan and going to have dinner at an open-air seaside restaurant.

Or when you're shopping for cute dresses in resort boutiques. Baseball caps make it a little difficult to try on clothes.

I tried EVERYTHING, too.

Leave-in conditioner. Silicone serum. Gel. No Gel.

Air dry. Blow dry. Wind-dried out on the balcony.

I'm tellin' ya, the vacation hair was DISASTROUS. I can't show you pictures because there are none. It was THAT BAD.

And I saw this girl at the pool with long, thick, straight hair. And when she got out of the pool and her hair started to dry, it looked really pretty. And that was the deciding factor. I realized if it weren't for the oddly placed waves, my hair would look like that.

And I SWORE I would not go on another beach vacation without having my hair chemically straightened.

I've asked my hair guy before about straightening my hair. He said I don't want to do it. He said it would fry my hair. Whatever. He always says that. I think he just doesn't want to do it.

Yesterday I was talking to this girl from work who has her hair straightened. I was getting the scoop from her. I thought it was like getting it permed, only instead of rolling it, they comb it out straight. And she said, "That's the old way of straightening." Now she goes to this girl in town who trained in New York. She puts the chemicals on, but then takes teeny, tiny little pieces at a time and FLAT IRONS it while the chemical is on. She said it took EIGHT HOURS the first time and cost $150 AN HOUR which, dude, that is way, way out of my price range. I'm thinking I'm gonna have to go with the old fashioned straightening for now.

(She also said that it strips the color out of her hair - like, the NATURAL COLOR, not color she's put on it - so that can't be good, can it? She says it lasts about 8-9 months [depending on how fast your hair grows which of course mine grows like weeds] and the maintenance is just re-doing the process but only at the roots so it doesn't take near as long. Still, $1,200 to have my hair straightened? Dude.)

I used to know this girl who was a cancer patient whose hair grew in curly after she lost it all in chemotherapy. It looked a lot like mine when it grew in, and we always used to talk hair. When hers got long she started getting it straightened. She went to the same salon I go to, but a different location (and obviously a different stylist). Her hair always looked great. She LOVED having it straightened. She said it was the best thing she ever did and even when it rained she didn't have to worry about losing her style. She used to color her hair at the same time, too, and her hair never got fried. I think if my guy doesn't want to do it I'm going to call her and find out who did hers.

Because I just can't get over how great it would be to have to do nothing but put in a few strategically placed hot rollers for body and go.

Beach Vacation By the Numbers

5 - Number of days I enjoyed in the sun

2 - Number of bleach blond Alabama moms sitting next to me at the pool SCREAMING with laughter over how they just don't have anything but HEALTHY food in their house!!!

1 - Number of torrential tropical rain storms that blew in and blew all the lounge chairs into the pool

3 - Number of very loud and very annoying young boys in the family that I somehow kept being sat next to at breakfast

1 - Number of omelets that the mom to those three boys stole off the omelet station that did not belong to her

15 - SPF value I used on my face the entire week

8 - SPF I used on the rest of my body save for my arms that one day at the beach

3 - Number of cute dresses I bought

1 - Number of beach weddings we watched at sunset from our hotel room balcony

1 - Number of rude motherfuckers drinking beer out of glass bottles at the pool

12 - Number of years it's been since I wore a one-piece to the beach

4 - Number of high-calorie virgin frozen fruit drinks I enjoyed whilst lounging in the sun

3 - Number of times I tried to order a slice of chocolate cake and was severly disappointed with what I received

7 - Number of times I swore I'm going to join Curves when I get back to Memphis

14 - Number of times I swore that I will never return to the beach again without chemically straightening my hair first

4 - Number of days it took the cafe before they made my iced grande 2-pump vanilla non-fat latte correctly

1 - Number of bull sharks My Kid caught while deep sea fishing with his dad

2 - Number of days I spent completely cracked out on the Harry Potter book until I finished it

8 - Number of People, US Weekly, In Touch and OK! magazines I read the other 4 days

5 - Number of times I asked another HP reader, "What page are you on?"

6 - Number of nights I went to bed before 11 p.m.

1 - Number of trips to the local Wal Mart to stock up on flip flops and sun screen

0 - Number of trips to the Coach outlet store while it was actually open for business

0 - Number of times I checked my email while I was gone

4 - Number of loads of damp laundry I unpacked upon return

8 - Number of piles of clean laundry that are still sitting on my sofa

2 - Number of suitcases that have not yet been unpacked

6 - Number of newspapers that we don't even subscribe to that were mysterously delivered in our yard while we were gone

7 - Number of treats I've given my dog since picking him up at the kennel this morning

14 - Number of times I swear I've seen the video of that skateboarder falling*

4 - Number of months I figure I can go before needing another vacation


* - I realize that this has precious little to do with my beach vacation except that I just saw it AGAIN while I was typing this.

GONE FISHIN'

Be back Monday, Aug. 6