My Summer '07 Look

I've been wearing a lot of white this season - white skirts, white city shorts, white tanks under wrap shirts. When I saw this photo of Kate Bosworth, I realized that silver accessories would be terribly cute with an all-white outfit. So I set out to find silver flats and a silver handbag.

One of the hardest things about being me is that I often decide something I want to wear, and then can't find it anywhere. I do not know if this is a shopping issue for my city or a lack of talent on my part that I cannot just design and create my own dress/shoe/handbag/necklace.

I found these shoes on sale at piperlime, which? Cute AND cheap - double score! But my lord it was difficult to find a decent silver handbag. The only ones I could find at the mall was this line of clangy and bejangly and horrible, horrible bags, that, for some unexplained reason, are carried by both Macy's and Dillard's. I thought maybe I could remove the 49 key chains hanging from the side but there's no getting around that bling on the buckle which is kind of the hip-hop version of the country/western belt buckle, I think.

I ended up getting a smaller version of this bag at a store I've never even ventured into before. It kind of reminded me of the Lerner's we had at the mall when I was a teenager. Remember Lerner's?

I realize that people in New York and London were wearing cute little metallic flats some year and a half ago, but it's not a look I've seen around here yet, so I still get to consider myself a trend-setter.

(Next on my list: Yellow dress and Red shoes.)

After my short shopping excursion, I got drenched in a thunderstorm that pounded us this afternoon. Then I bought some Dinstuhl's cashew crunch and went home and gorged on it. You know, to celebrate my great accessory finds.

Now I'm back working my way through The West Wing, Season 1. It's fun to watch old episodes and see guest stars that you didn't know back then - like Dr. Cuddy as the call girl that Sam accidentally slept with, and Paris Geller as the aide who leaked Leo's personnel file with notes of his drug treatment. And Representative Becky Reeseman? TOTALLY reminds me of that bitch from New York that I so despise. Only taller.

There's thought-provoking and then there's THOUGHT-PROVOKING.

I have this wonderfully deep and thought-provoking post in my head that was inspired by an NPR story I heard while driving home last night and will be called "The Most Notorious Example of Conspicuous Consumption," but it's 3:30 on a Friday afternoon and that is typically not a time that's synonymous with "thought-provoking" so I think I will save it for Monday. Which is by its nature an incredibly thought-provoking time.

So here is my dilemma, and it has to do with CHEATING ON YOUR HAIR DRESSER. I don't think technically it should be called "cheating" b/c if I go to someone else, he's totally going to know. It's not like, after 14 years, I can suddenly convince him that I managed to cut my own hair.

But there's this girl in my office - I'll call her Phoebe - who has hair very similar to mine - thick, course, wavy. She also straightens hers, but wears it all one length (no layers) in order to not be huge and helmet-like. (Not that mine is helmet-like. Well kind of.) So today, Pheebs comes in with a GREAT new hair cut. She cut about 4 inches off of it and chopped in layers and it looks so freaking GREAT. I think it's shag-layered (as opposed to stack-layered, like mine).

Then she tells me that this guy she goes to is really super at cutting thick hair and that two other girls in the office with massive amounts of hair like us also go to him. Apparently he is some kind of master with the thinning shears.

And I don't want to copy her or anything, but I want her hair cut. I really do. And, ironically, I have an appointment with my own guy tomorrow. So I took some photos of Phoebe's hair that I will take with me tomorrow to show him. But if it doesn't look right when he's done I'm seriously going to her guy and saying, "Give my Phoebe's hair."

Phoebe's Hair

Have you ever cheated on your hair dresser?

Several things that may or may not be worthy of their own posts

Big Daddy bought the entire seven-season set of The West Wing, which came in a nice presidential-style file box. We've been cracked out on it for the past week and a half. Definitely one of my favorite shows of all-time. Probably b/c I work in Communications and I feel like I'm really getting an inside look at what my life would be if I were smart enough and ambitious enough to have worked in The White House. And if I lived in the District of Columbia.


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My Kid bought his dad this HUGE "bling" on his trip. It's metal and it says, "BIG DADDY." It was an extremely thoughtful gift, in my opinion.


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We're going to Chicago over the 4th of July which I am very excited about b/c I really feel the need for a vacation plus: great shopping! on Michigan Avenue! We've got tickets to a White Sox game. Did you know the White Sox play on the South Side? I pinged a friend at work who is a baseball fanatic (I once went to a Cubs game w/ him when we were in Chicago for work and he kept box scores the entire game. I've never seen anyone do that before.) (He was a sports reporter in his former life.) and I asked him "Who should I look out for at a White Sox game?" - meaning star players or whatever - and he said "THUGS."


**********************


Last night My Kid went to a movie w/ his girlfriend. When it got to be almost 10 p.m., I texted him, "R U still in the movie?" A few minutes later he was dropped off at home and I asked him how was the movie? What did you see? Does he say 'yipee kay yay motherfucker' in this one? OK, well I'm going to bed. Good night. I love you. I still had my phone upstairs w/ me and after a minute I got a text message. MY KID ACCIDENTALLY TEXTED ME INSTEAD OF HIS GIRLFRIEND. At first I thought he was sending me a sweet note to tell me how much he loved me and then I realized that his love for me wasn't really all that appropriate unless your name is Oedipus so I went back out to alert him of his mistake and maybe make fun of him a little bit.


Me: What are you doing?
Kid: Getting something to eat.
Me: And texting?
Kid: Yeah, why?
Me: Texting Bailey?
Kid: Yeah...
Me: You might want to send it again. You sent it to the wrong number.
Kid (fearfully): Did I send it to you?
Me: Yep.
Kid: OH GOD! MOM! DELETE IT!
Me: Well it was kind of sweet really...
Kid: MOOOM!!! GOD!! DELETE IT!!!!1!!!


(Hee. Also? I told him I wouldn't tell anyone so don't say anything, OK?)

**********************


Lastly, you know what I find ironic about this photo?



Sporty? Hardly Sporty at all anymore
Ginger? More like Hippy Spice.
Baby? Not a baby at all. HAVING a baby actually
Scary? Only if you think you're gonna get out of paying her child support.
But Posh? Strangely, EVEN MORE POSH THAN EVER.

I have a confession to make

Sometimes I get Ione Skye

confused with Daphne Zuniga

Where I think Today is falling down on the job

I'm getting so annoyed at the Today show.


First, I think they should quit letting Ann Curry do interviews. I like her reading the news. She sucks at interviewing. Even "Best Week Ever" covered her outrageous interview w/ Bindy Erwin. And when she interviewed The Hoff on his promotional tour of "America's Got Talent" she wouldn't even let him talk about the show. She would only ask him questions about his personal life. He kept answering the questions b/c I think he thought, eventually, the interview would turn toward his shameless plug. But it didn't! She talked about his drinking and his divorce and then said, "OK Thanks! Bye now!" and he was all, "Yeah, we were supposed to talk about THE SHOW..."


I've evaluated the situation and I've determined that the problem is that she monopolizes the interviews. She talks more than the person being interviewed! I mean, the whole purpose of a journalistic interview is that you ask questions in order to evoke responses that provide some sort of information. She keeps talking over her interviewee and I hate to tell you this, Ann, but people are not tuning in to hear what YOU have to say. Quit trying to do the talking for them and for god's sake, quit trying to put names on their feelings. Keep it up, and we won't even NEED the interviewee to show up.


Second, what was up with Meredith's interview with Jessie Davis's dad this morning? They found the body - that is news. The missing mom and the unborn child are both dead - I need to know that. But god forbid a tragedy should happen that Today doesn't cash in on!


They gave this father an inordinate amount of time to talk about what a swell daughter she was and how many people came out to search for her. Now look, I'm not saying she wasn't a great person, but when is the last time someone was killed and people went on national TV to say, "Yeah, she was kind of a bitch really. I never liked that girl." Right? I mean, what does the dad have that will add to the story at this point?


At the risk of sounding like I'm blaming the victim (I'm not), the girl had a long-standing affair with a married man that ultimately cost her her life. She made bad choices. It's tragic, yes, but why are we spending so much air time allowing a loved on to put her up on a pedestal? I'll tell you why: RATINGS. A father's grief is not NEWS. It makes me sick, really.

My One True Two Loves

After all the years of complaining about Memphis not having a Sephora, they have finally opened one here. And there was much joy and rejoicing in the household.

Today I went out to do my part to support it financially. I was feeling a little guilty that I hadn't been out there yet. The secret to fully enjoying the Sephora experience is not to be overwhelmed. Take plenty of time, and just play. Try stuff on (I use the back of my hand). Check out new colors and tools. Keep an open mind and just play. Then, when you test out something that strikes your fancy, add it to your basket.

I spent about an hour and a half I think. And here's what I brought home:

Benefit Silky Finish Lipstick in Skinny Dip because I like gloss for the summer but am not being very conscientious about reapplying and of course it's all worn off 30 minutes after I arrive to work. So I'm thinking a sheer lipstick may be a better option for me and this color is very natural.

tarte Cheek Stain in Flush because it's soft and pretty and goes on easily and will look really pretty and natural over tinted moisturizer for a natural summer look. And pretty. Did I say pretty?

Smashbox Photo Op Under Eye Brightener because I tried it on and it is AWESOME.

Benetint Pocket Pal See, I've toyed with buying the Benetint for years because magazines and make up artists are always singing its praises. But I never could see how it would be easy to use on the cheeks and was never too interested in it for the lips. Today I tried it on my lips - just to see what color it would be. I dabbed it on and kind of blended it in and, eh. So I kept looking and kept playing and a bit later I caught sight of myself in a mirror and thought that my lips looked absolutely perfect and rosy. So I got the little "pocket pal" b/c I can carry it around in my handbag, although I doubt I will use the gloss side of it - it's pretty sticky.

For Big Daddy, I got Jack Black Beard Lube because the guy on Today show this week said it is SO much better than the old gels and foams shaving creams.

And they gave me a nice sample of Philosophy Shampoo, Bath & Shower Gel in Banana. Which, if I like it, I'm going back to buy in grapefruit or tangerine or lime. Because I love citrus smells and their stuff smells pretty damn good.

After I shopped, I went to the Crepe Maker b/c you know that expression that "nothing tastes as good as being skinny feels"? Well, a crepe with Nutella, bananas and strawberries comes pretty damn close. It is utter and complete bliss. I ordered, paid and went out to the sidewalk tables to wait for my deliciousness. While I was waiting I opened up all my fun new make up and was spreading it out on the table when finally (I'd waited quite a while) an employee comes out and asks me my name and I tell him and he says, "Can you come inside please?" Which, WTF?? Right?

Inside, the girl behind the counter is holding two tickets, one of which has my name on it. She asked me did I order this or that? And I say 'this' and she says well, I think I gave your order to that lady over there and she ordered 'that' so....do you want 'that'? I said, No, I wanted what I ordered. I said, "I don't even know what 'that' is." So then she proceeds to tell me the difference between the two which I don't really care b/c I WANT WHAT I ORDERED so she agrees to make me another one and I go back outside.

And I'm thinking, what the fuck kind of customer service is THAT? She couldn't come out here and talk to me at the table? I had to pack up all my stuff and go inside so she could tell me that she gave my order to someone else? So I was fuming a bit and then the owner came out and gave me my money back and said my crepe would be right out and it was and I ate every fabulous and free bite of it.

That American Inventor show

Man, they got all these people bringing in the most crazy shit that they've invented and what I really want to know is this: WHY HASN'T ANYONE INVENTED SOMETHING THAT WILL LET YOU PUT LOTION OR SUNSCREEN ON YOUR OWN BACK?

Now that's something people could use.

I personally wanted the KT Tunstall song

So, Hilary has selected her campaign theme song. And now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go select a new favorite candidate.

The First Night

Whoa, this is better than I expected! This is practically like being on vacation, except for the part where I have to get up early and go to work.

I was feeling pretty tired after work, so I figured I'd go buy a book and relax with that until The Closer came on. I spent nearly an hour browsing through Borders - without calling anyone and checking in, letting them know where I was, when I'd be home, had they eaten yet? Did they want to eat? Should I bring something home or do you want to meet out somewhere?

I looked through all the classics and new classics and beach reads and book club books and settled on Carson MCullers' The Heart is a Lonely Hunter. NOT b/c it had Oprah's book club stamp on it (b/c frankly I find it a little self-important that she should presume to tell America what to read), but b/c I had never read it before and I do have a thing for Southern writers and I'm quite impressed that she wrote it at the age of 23.

Then I went to Tropical Smoothie Cafe and got a strawberry smoothie with soy protein which is pretty good but it tastes like they add sugar to it?? Which? If I wanted a fucking slurpee I'd go to 7-Eleven, right?

When I came home, I took a hot bath with lavender salts, slathered on some self tanner and put fresh sheets (also rinsed in lavender) on my bed. Now I'm snuggling up in bed watching The Closer, which just came on but is kind of disturbing already what with the 12-year-old girl stabbed through the heart and all. For the record, Deputy Chief Brenda Johnson is one of my favorite characters on TV. I'm so glad she's back. Her & her great black bag.

I set the DVR on Big Daddy's TV to record the Princes' interview in case I decide to go to bed early. I had to record it on his TV b/c you know my DVR doesn't work but this is not a problem this week b/c I can go into his office any time and watch the show! Woot! There's no holding me back now!

My Plans

So, since the boys are both gone this week (Big Daddy's in Chicago on business), you might be wondering how I'm going to fill the week alone.

TONIGHT
The Closer season premiere on TNT (8 p.m. CT) followed by The Princes' interview on Dateline NBC (at 9).

TOMORROW
Client dinner event after work. I figure I'll be home in time for Big Love at 8. Then I'll probably take a hot bath and wash my hair.

WEDNESDAY
Bikini wax followed by a little peace & quiet. Maybe I'll buy a new book.

THURSDAY
I'm thinking about taking my dog to work w/ me this day b/c I think he's going to be awfully lonely at home by this point. Also? My contract office is out W-F so I'll be back at my agency. So yay that. This will be my last night alone, so maybe I'll arrange to meet some friends out for dinner. And go to bed early.

Either God is or He isn't

This morning I took My Kid to the airport. He and about 35 classmates from his 8th grade graduating class are going to New York and Washington DC for a week.

My Kid's never traveled without us before. I've never put him on a plane alone. He never went to sleep-away camp. He's never gone out of town with his grandparents or the family of a friend. This is the first time.

Last night I gave him my "talk": Safety first and responsibility second. Don't leave the hotel without your wallet and your cell phone. Don't show all your money when you buy something. Keep your stuff together in the hotel room so you don't forget anything when you check out. Call me each night when you get back to the hotel.

Once I got him checked in, checked his luggage, got his boarding pass, listed his cell number on the chaperone's list, he was ready for me to go. (In fact, I had to hide behind a pillar to snap that photo of him.) So I gave him a small hug and was off. I only teared up a little but didn't really cry at all.

This is one of those stepping-off points where you have to say "Either God is, or he isn't." I have to trust that someone bigger and more powerful than I will watch over him. Also, that I've raised him right so that he will make good decisions that will keep him safe and out of trouble.

The Finest in Summer TV

Have you seen the ads for this new reality show called Age of Love? Where the hot 30-year-old Australian tennis star is pursued by a group of 40-year-old bachelorettes while simultaneously being tempted by a group of 20-year-old bachelorettes? I'm totally predicting he goes for the 20-year-olds, b/c I've met Mark Phillappoussis (twice) and he was not interested in 40.

I knew watching "Hope Floats" 189 times would come in handy someday

Me: "I need the Chief Celebrity Officer to sign off on these photos."

CCO's Assistant: "She can't. She's very busy. She's doing a pilot, you know."

Me: "Oh really? Is he cute?"

I don't even live in THAT KIND of city

We all kind of consider Memphis a second-class city. Not in the way that we're not as good as other cities so much that we're just in a smaller playing class. If we were an NCAA team, we'd be be a Division II team. If we were an actor, we'd be a B-List celebrity. Or maybe a C.

Still, that doesn't mean that we don't have some of the same problems that larger cities have. And that's never been more apparent to me than today. Don't know why that is, exactly, except that I spent some time in the Midtown Starbucks that I don't often go to. I usually stick to Downtown during the week.

Now, this Starbucks is hardly in a "bad neighborhood." It's right on the main drag, the 6-lane boulevard that runs all the way from the Mississippi River downtown to way Out East by my house. It's a perfectly respectable Starbucks on a corner of an intersection that I can't recall having any crime issues in the past several years.

But when you sit in this Starbucks and look out the window, you have a lovely view of a big (very big), old (very old) abandoned and run-down house. With a small back porch that is home to someone who is otherwise home-less. Here, let me see if I can take a picture of it for you.

(Obviously, the Lexus parked next to it is a Starbucks customer's and does not belong to the homeless people who camp out on the back porch there.)

Let me see if I can zoom in a little on the back porch.

(You may not be able to tell, but there is a tennis shoe and some empty plastic cups along with some other trash.)

So when I was leaving here today, a man approached me holding some kind of creased and worn prayer card or something. He started to tell me his story but he was kind of mumbling and I couldn't really understand him. Something about, "I used to be a...something something...but God took it away from me" then some kind of plea for help. I gave him my pat, "Sorry, I don't have any cash" (which is often true but actually wasn't entirely true this time) and just kept walking. He went up to the car pulling up into the lot.

(Just to clarify, I don't think this particular guy lives on the porch next door. Although he may. I've only ever seen someone actually on the porch once. It was before work one morning in the winter time and there were two heavy-set men out there. I followed our then-Representative Harold Ford, Jr. (D) out of the Starbucks and across the parking lot. One of the men hollered at Harold asking him for money. He hollered back and asked the man if he'd voted for him and kept walking.)

(Which is not to say that I don't like Harold Ford Jr. because I do. In fact, it was at his rally for the Senate race that I got to meet Bill Clinton. I just think it's an interesting story. I don't tell it to sit in judgement b/c let's face it, he did the same thing I did when confronted with a panhandler.)

It's not that I don't want to help. The real reason I don't give them money is b/c of all that I know about addiction and my personal experience in AA. Not that all homeless people are alcoholics. I know better than that. But I do think that addiction contributes to a lot of homelessness so I refuse to give someone money so he can buy a hit of meth or a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20.

But something else also happened inside the Starbucks. I was just kind of getting set up with my laptop and my NYT crossword puzzle and my iced grande, 2-pump vanilla nonfat latte and my raspberry swirl loaf cake, when this guy - a youngish African American guy, in his early 20s maybe, holding a job application in one hand and a pen in the other - comes over and asks if he can use my phone. Which? Uh, no. I couldn't believe how quickly the lie came out of my mouth: "It's a work phone, I can't let you." OMG. Not like I'd planned in advance with an excuse for just such an occasion. Wow, I've become so callous.

So the guy moves on to the next table, where a guy not much older than himself - a white guy in maybe his late 20s - is sitting with his lap top. The job applicant asked is he could use his phone. I couldn't hear the guy's response b/c his back was to me, but he seemed to be asking the guy a series of questions. Maybe who did he need to call, etc. Then, (and I did hear this one) he asks the guy if he's sick! Like maybe he didn't want him to get XDRTB germs on his phone! And then he hands it over.

And I'm figuring the guy made a call to get some info that he needed for the job app, ya know? He didn't spend too long on the phone and then handed it back to the dude. I'm not really paying a lot of attention at this point b/c the crossword puzzle is going really well and I've filled in 3 out of 4 of the long ones already.

But when I look up again, the wanting-to-use-the-phone guy is sitting at the having-a-phone guy's table with him. And the more I watch, it seems like the laptop guy is helping the unemployed guy fill out the application. And I'm feeling a bit like a twat or at the very least not a very compassionate citizen. When the two men part, they get up and shake hands.

So...I don't really know where I'm going with all this, except to say that I must be some kind of snotty democrat driving my mercedes while I expect my government to take care of all the country's social ills dammit. Which, you know, isn't entirely true, but it sure is the impression I'm getting of myself today.

Kaliegh is never going to read my blog again.

June 14, 1917

Flag Day was my dad's birthday. He would've been 90 today. Flag Day isn't really a big holiday, unless you lived your whole life in the nation's capitol, where all the federal buildings put their flags out today. We used to joke that the flags were out for Daddy's birthday.

I still miss you, Dad.

Case in point

5:39 p.m.
From: Design Agency Account Exec
To: Kalisah
cc: NY and others
Re: New photo of Anna

Can you please send me a high-res image of the new shot taken of Anna?

********

5:40 p.m.
From: Kalisah
To: AE, NY and others
Re: New photo of Anna?

Did we take a new photo of Anna? I wasn't aware that she was at the photo shoot. Can someone please confirm so I know I'm ordering the right photo?

********

5:51 p.m.
From: New York
To: Kalisah
cc: All of the Above
Re: New photo of Ana

As we have been saying all day long. Anna was shot in the orange shirt last Friday. We were sent and approved a photo marked #1234567. I hope this once again clarifies any confusion.

Now was that really necessary? I asked a simple question. I did not allow nor cause the entire project to collapse. And then - I am not kidding you - she spent the next half-hour finding the earlier email that had answered this question already so she could send it to me and copy the world.

********

6:42 p.m.
From: NY
To: Kalisah
cc: C-O, Program Executive Director
Fw: Some previous email from earlier in the day

Kalisah, re: Anna's shirt. This email was sent at 7:19 this morning, perhaps you missed it.

********

6:43 p.m.
To: NY, C-O, Exec Dir
From: Kalisah
Re: Whatever her subject line said

I did. I was in a meeting all morning at my agency so I was reading through multiple emails at one time. Thanks for bringing it to my attention.

Which I think shows a marked improvement in my interpersonal communications skills.

Looking for something to rent now that we're in rerun hell?

So I rented the movie "The Holiday." It may surprise you to know that I'm not really into romantic comedies. Or chick lit. But I thought this one had potential because Kate Winslet is in it. And I have such a crush on her. I think Kate Winslet comes pretty close to being The Ideal Woman. Her, and Helen Mirren. (Apparently, my Ideal Woman has a British accent.) Plus, I just like the title of it, b/c I think they are using the term "holiday" in the British sense (again with the British!) which is a usage I would totally adopt if it wouldn't make me sound all fake-British in the vein of Madonna and Gweneth. To me, going "on holiday" is visiting exotic locations, staying in charming villas, Mediterranean breezes blowing your hair. Going "on vacation," on the other hand, suggests visits to Disney World, long lines, cheesy tourist traps and American excess. From now on, I'm only going "on holiday" and I recommend you do the same.

[Spoilers Ahead]

First, let me say that Cameron Diaz looks great in this movie, and I'm not typically her fan. All blonde and fresh-faced and California Cover Girl and she gets the best wardrobe. Only can she please be in just one movie where she doesn't dance alone in her bedroom? Sheesh. About three-quarters of the way through the movie, I was feeling like I was really watching two separate and distinct films, since the stories of the two girls who swap houses for Christmas really don't intersect at all other than the fact that they each meet someone from the other one's life which, duh. How would you not? You're living in her house.

The end of the movie was extremely unsatisfying, as there is a big build up of "I love you, but we live continents away! And we both have lives! That we can't leave! Whatever shall we do?" that was never resolved. You're supposed to be content with, "Oh, look, we all spent New Year's Eve together in Surrey! Music swells. The End!"

Now, if you really want to see something good, go out & rent the BBC's Planet Earth, one of the most exciting things to come to DVD in years. Remember that video that was making the rounds recently of the great white shark jumping out of the water and eating that seal? Planet Earth. And the night-filming of the lion's taking down the adult elephant? Planet Earth. There is SO MUCH cool stuff here - lots of it never witnessed by humans before - that you'll be completely mesmerized for hours. There's at least 10 different chapters including Caves, Mountains, the Poles, and Jungles. Some of you may have seen the Discovery Channel TV series narrated by Sigourney Weaver. But I recommend this original BBC version narrated by David Attenborough. Appropriate for all ages. (Kids will especially love the birds of paradise trying to attract mates.)

Another sign of my continuing maturity

My swimsuit was delivered today. I ordered it online. I visited lots of sites. I really kind of wanted a 1940s-inspired one-piece with a halter bodice. But I couldn't find one of those anywhere.

I settled on this: a one-piece suit from Lands End ("Swimwear for the real world."). It's got more fabric on it than my last three suits put together I think. Also it's the first suit in as many years that didn't come from Victoria's Secret. Yes, I've traded in the suit I think I can wear for the suit that actually looks good on me.

I have a new obsession

And it's not celebrity photos, although it may appear that way today.

This weekend I rented Word Play. Now, you're probably not surprised to learn that I rented it, since you all know that I do crossword puzzles every day. Plus Jon Stewart is on the cover. What will surprise you - believe me, it surprised me - is that I enjoyed it so fucking much.

You know, I liked that ballroom dancing documentary, and I kind of got into it a little and maybe had a favorite that I hoped to win. But I was not crouched on the sofa threatening to leap off during the ballroom competition. I did not laugh at geeky ballroom humor.

See, I do two Xwords every day: the local paper and USA Today. I remember years ago, when I first started doing puzzles, the USA Today one was SO HARD. Now, it's not challenging at all. It is, however, long. So it works well to print out and take to lunch with you for some quiet midday solving.

And when Jon Stewart said, in the movie, "Occasionally, when I'm staying at a hotel, I do a USA Today puzzle....but I don't feel good about it." I realized that I've really been shortchanging myself. I am better than this. I am New York Times-worthy.

So I logged on to nytimes.com and I subscribed to the Xword puzzle (b/c they ain't given that shit away for free, yo). And I've been accessing the archives to work old Monday and Tuesday puzzles. Because they're the easiest ones. It's like my Times training, see. And, like a world-class athlete in training, I've been keeping track of my times to see how I improve. Which may sound obsessive to you but it's totally not. There was a guy in the movie who's been documenting his solving times in a notebook since 1997.

I mean, I'm no Tyler Hinman, but I don't exactly have my sights set on being the American Crossword Puzzle Tournament Champion. Although, going to Stamford one year might be kinda cool.

How many babies do you think she's hiding under there?

Salma Hayek has gained a ton of weight in her pregnancy.

She's obviously suffering from the I'm-pregnant-I-can-eat-whatever-I-want syndrome. Either that, or gestational diabetes. Which, of course, wouldn't be funny. Uhh, sorry Salma.

Video Music Awards

I don't know who this girl is, but these are absolutely THE FAKEST BOOBS I HAVE EVER SEEN.
You can practically see the seam where the one on the right was attached.

The Garage People

Did I ever tell you all about The Garage People? I can't believe I've never told you about The Garage People.

They live in a house on the main street running through our subdivision. Well, I say they live in the house. I don't actually have any proof that they live in the house. All I can really assert is that they live in the garage. I'm still trying to figure out if The Garage People own the house and simply choose to live in the garage, or if perhaps their children own the house and force the old couple to live out there.

On any given day that it's not above 100 or below 40 degrees, you can drive down Main Street and peer directly into their living room. Which isn't really a living room at all. Because it's the garage. But when the door is open, you see The Garage People - a couple I'm guessing to be in their 60s? - sitting in their recliner chairs, right at the edge of their garage, facing out to Main Street. It seems perhaps they're watching the occasional traffic drive by, but it's actually their TV they're looking at. In addition to their recliner chairs and television, they also have end tables (with lamps), a small refrigerator, throw blankets, a space heater (in winter) and fans (in summer).

If I'm giving you the impression that these people have made a nice home for themselves in a refinished garage, let me assure you that's not the case at all. They have this faux-living room set up in the front corner of an otherwise quite typical garage, with tools and bicycles and lawn mowers surrounding them.

And these people can be found sitting out there in their garage every day. Thus, we call them The Garage People.

For a little while this spring, we thought perhaps Mrs. Garage Lady might have passed away b/c we hadn't seen her out there for a while. But this week she was back and so I'm relieved to report to you that The Garage People live on.

For six years I've been trying to figure out how I can gracefully snap a photo of them for you. But I've yet to figure out a way to do that without seeming stalkerish or rudely gawking. If I were a walker I might be able to unobtrusively grab a photo on my cell phone. But since I don't walk that's out of the question.

Picture or no, I'll be sure to keep you updated on The Garage People from now on.