Beach Vacation By the Numbers

5 - Number of days I enjoyed in the sun

2 - Number of bleach blond Alabama moms sitting next to me at the pool SCREAMING with laughter over how they just don't have anything but HEALTHY food in their house!!!

1 - Number of torrential tropical rain storms that blew in and blew all the lounge chairs into the pool

3 - Number of very loud and very annoying young boys in the family that I somehow kept being sat next to at breakfast

1 - Number of omelets that the mom to those three boys stole off the omelet station that did not belong to her

15 - SPF value I used on my face the entire week

8 - SPF I used on the rest of my body save for my arms that one day at the beach

3 - Number of cute dresses I bought

1 - Number of beach weddings we watched at sunset from our hotel room balcony

1 - Number of rude motherfuckers drinking beer out of glass bottles at the pool

12 - Number of years it's been since I wore a one-piece to the beach

4 - Number of high-calorie virgin frozen fruit drinks I enjoyed whilst lounging in the sun

3 - Number of times I tried to order a slice of chocolate cake and was severly disappointed with what I received

7 - Number of times I swore I'm going to join Curves when I get back to Memphis

14 - Number of times I swore that I will never return to the beach again without chemically straightening my hair first

4 - Number of days it took the cafe before they made my iced grande 2-pump vanilla non-fat latte correctly

1 - Number of bull sharks My Kid caught while deep sea fishing with his dad

2 - Number of days I spent completely cracked out on the Harry Potter book until I finished it

8 - Number of People, US Weekly, In Touch and OK! magazines I read the other 4 days

5 - Number of times I asked another HP reader, "What page are you on?"

6 - Number of nights I went to bed before 11 p.m.

1 - Number of trips to the local Wal Mart to stock up on flip flops and sun screen

0 - Number of trips to the Coach outlet store while it was actually open for business

0 - Number of times I checked my email while I was gone

4 - Number of loads of damp laundry I unpacked upon return

8 - Number of piles of clean laundry that are still sitting on my sofa

2 - Number of suitcases that have not yet been unpacked

6 - Number of newspapers that we don't even subscribe to that were mysterously delivered in our yard while we were gone

7 - Number of treats I've given my dog since picking him up at the kennel this morning

14 - Number of times I swear I've seen the video of that skateboarder falling*

4 - Number of months I figure I can go before needing another vacation


* - I realize that this has precious little to do with my beach vacation except that I just saw it AGAIN while I was typing this.